There are moments, when you are disabled, when you realize the limitations you have make you very vulnerable and you realize that having to rely on people for the daily care of living events is terrifying. And my disability has been with me my whole life. Having to make this realization after losing function in an accident, I imagine, must have been doubly terrifying.

But then the people that he was forced to rely on abandoned him. I am so, so, so glad he has you two. So glad.

Being physically disabled does not mean that we don’t know our own minds. BIL knows what is best for him and your sister trying to force this on him for his own good is a part of ableism called infantalizing.

Please stay in his corner and support him. You may also want to try to find a therapist who has a specialty of working with people who are disabled or are in pain.

Many hugs to you for all you do! NTA

NTA. I can understand needing a break from taking care of someone who needs that level of assistance. Regardless they should have never just stopped visiting, and they shouldn’t of just pawned him off on you like that. If taking care of them was too much for them they should have been honest about it from the beginning. And now they want a relationship with him. A year later. He is a grown man. His body was injured not his mind. He says he does not want a relationship with them they should respect his wishes. It sounds like his parents and your wife will not let it go and will try something like this again when your not home. He should be prepared for something like this to happen. Hopefully they don’t do that but who knows. I always believe hope for the best, plan for the worst.

NTA. It seems like out of everyone you are the only one who actually cares about Jason and his feelings. Everyone else just wants what best for themselves including your wife. I understand she wants her family back together but this is not the way to do that. Her parents made their choice and now they must live with the consequences. It’s understandable that they couldn’t take care of him obviously being elderly but to completely stop seeing him after a life altering accident, they are assholes for that. If Jason chooses to never see them that is HIS choice not theirs and certainly not your wife. She’s being completely selfish.

Jason is lucky to have you in his corner. I think you made the right choice to slam the door on them. Now they know how it feels to shut someone off.

NTA whereas your wife isn’t she the king sized asshole?

“She knows what they did was bad but this was the chance to make it better and Jason doesn’t know what’s best for himself because he’s still upset about what they did. “

Jason is a grown man who may be physically disabled but his mind is not, and he is perfectly capable of knowing what is best for him. By disregarding his wishes she is treating him like a child, she is not wanting to make the peace for Jason, she’s selfishly trying to create a reconciliation for herself so she has a complete family again despite the hurt and pain this will cause Jason.

I would show her this thread, so she can see outside views of the situation and that she is truly the asshole.

NTA. For context I had a stroke 11 years ago in my 20s.

I fought hard to keep my independence and I’d be devastated if my agency was ignored by my husband the way your wife ignored her brothers.

Your wife is the one I’m angriest at here. His parents are sucky and I’d cut them from my life for good. Your wife’s betrayal is more insidious. His agency still matters and is not conditional to his sister approving of his choices.

Your BIL doesn’t deserve to be treated like his wishes don’t matter. He said no. No one else gets to decide for him.

Thanks for being a great BIL

Edited: thanks for my awards friends. First time for everything!

NTA. Imagine abandoning your child because their mobility issues are difficult for YOU when YOU’RE not the one who’s had a life changing accident. And then feeling entitled to a second audience with that child because you’re his parents, and dismissing his pain over abandonment and lack of contact because he should just get over it so they can all be one big happy family again?

Your BIL isn’t destroying the family unit. Your MIL and FIL did that when they decided they just needed a little break from the “small” thing that is their son’s life.

NTA

Your wife sure is though. She tried to force a Come To Jesus talk on her adult brother. One where he would literally be a captive audience. No, she does not know better, she does not get the final say and she needs to knock it off with her overblown sense entitlement to make such big decisions for others.

If and when Jason is ready to have a conversation with his parents, he will decide when. Not his meddling flying monkey sister.

You sir, are the hero we all need.

NTA
If Jason doesn’t want to talk with them, or see them, there’s a good chance that the talk your in-laws want, won’t lead to anything good.
Your wife should, instead of deciding when Jason talk to his parents, talk with Jason about what needs to change for him to hear them out.
I get he’s mad, it was a asshole move to just “abandon” him (in lack of better word).

He may be paralyzed, but he has the right to refuse to see them. Your wife needs to understand this.

NTA. Why are they trying to manipulate Jason and you that it’s in Jason’s best interest to make up with his parents. He is an adult and has been hurt physically and emotionally due to the accident and then the parents just abandon him. He can’t trust them anymore. Your wife and her parents are the asshole. They need to leave poor Jason alone and not make his life more miserable. The parents act privileged and need to be put back in place.

I dont think anyone’s the asshole here. Everyone seems to care about very important parts of the family or dynamic. What the parents did was extremely selfish and your Bil is lucky to have you. He will talk to them when he’s ready.

Even though I feel its the right move eventually, forcing someone in a room with people when they can not leave by their own will is kind of brutal.

NTA

Your wife is massively overstepping the mark. Her brother may be physically disabled, but if he has an opinion it needs to be respected. This is ableist and plain wrong.

Wat next, will she shove food in his mouth if he tells her he’s not hungry?

The in laws can write a letter that your sister can read to him, but barging in after being repeatedly told no is not okay.

NTA As someone with mobility issues from a spinal injury and headed for a wheelchair, I would be horrified by being trapped in that situation if no one listened to me. You did Jason a solid here by respecting his wishes. It’s not like he could just leave. They wanted a captive audience, regardless of him and his feelings. It’s completely disrespectful.

NAH (except the parents), although I think if you’re respecting Jason’s wishes you need to keep your anger in check. Otherwise you’re doing the same thing your wife is doing, and taking matters into your own hands.

I’m not going to call your wife TA for attempting to be a peacemaker, albeit clumsily. There must be a happy medium here somewhere.

NTA. If Jason wants to speak to his parents he gets to decide when and where, not your wife. Jason will meet plenty of people through out his life, who thinks they can make decisions on his behalf simply due to his disability. His sister shouldn’t be one of them.

NTA Your wife should not have removed BIL’s already limited agency by trying to create a situation where he would be forced to interact with the parents, who he clearly does not want to interact with.

NTA. Your wife doesn’t get to decide for him. She needs to listen to him and follow his lead. Its quite disrespectful and rude to decide she knows whats better for his relationship with his parents.

NTA. Your brother in law absolutely does know what’s best for his own emotional well-being. He shouldn’t be forced to clear the air until he wants to do so.