Yet the presence of the other woman — his secret partner — threatened to unravel their fragile peace. At the graveyard, her lingering nearby was a stark reminder of the wounds still fresh and the boundaries fiercely guarded. Amidst sorrow and fractured trust, this family fought to hold onto their privacy and each other, navigating grief complicated by betrayal and the silent rage of a son caught between love and heartbreak.
Three weeks ago my husband died in a car accident halfway across the country. He said he was going to a work trip but we later found out that all of that was just another one of his lies and he was actually on a cheating trip.
Something he’d seemingly been doing for at least the past 5 year. So yeah… It’s beens a very fun few weeks. Feel fantastic. Our kids are 7f, 14m and 19m. Only the eldest knows about the affair and we all agreed to keep it to ourselves.
The problem lies with his partner. She wanted to be involved. I told her that wouldn’t be possible and she should respect our privacy. Even putting my feelings aside, though he’s trying to be strong for his younger siblings, my eldest is battling with his anger and grief.
Having her there would only cause problems. Regardless, she was there when we arrived at the graveyard standing some distance away but she was still close enough to everyone to just make her stand out as if she wants to be seen.
I told my brother and he removed her without causing too much of a scene. Afterwards she sent me a text which summarised basically called me selfish for blocking her from being there and saying I robbed her of the chance to say goodbye properly.
For some reason this is slightly bothering me. I’ve found myself justifying my actions to myself repeatedly since receiving that text. I still believe I did what was right and put my kids first.
She had no business there and her presence would only cause drama. She could always go to his grave whenever she wants to say goodbye. Was I the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is navigating intense, fresh grief following the sudden death of her husband, complicated by the discovery of his long-term infidelity. The central conflict arises from the late husband’s secret partner demanding inclusion in the immediate family’s mourning process, specifically at the funeral. The OP asserts her need to shield her children from further distress by excluding the partner, prioritizing her family’s privacy and emotional well-being over the partner’s desire for public acknowledgment.
Given the OP’s commitment to protecting her children during a time of profound loss and betrayal, was her decision to exclude the husband’s partner from the burial appropriate, or did this action unjustly deny the partner a necessary element of closure? The debate centers on balancing the rights of the surviving spouse and children against the emotional needs of a secondary intimate partner.
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA for not wanting her there for obvious reasons. I will never deny that. On the flip side, it was a 5 year affair and they built a relationship so she did have a right to say goodbye. That being said, she should have been far more tactful about it and chose a time that wasn’t the funeral when the rest of the family was going to be there.
You weren’t selfish for wanting her gone, but you all had a relationship with him.
I know I’ll get downvoted on this but I don’t care. This isn’t a simple situation. Had it been a shorter affair, no question the other woman was 100% in the wrong. Being a lengthy one changes the dynamic a bit.
She thinks *you* are the selfish one? Is her head really that far up her ass?
Your children’s need to grieve and say goodbye to *their father* without their father’s *affair partner* looming in the background is far more important than anything she wants.
How cruel ~~and thoughtless~~ (edit: this wasn’t thoughtless, this was a calculated choice) although I’d expect nothing less from someone who knowingly engages in a years-long affair with a married individual. (FWIW, your husband is equally to blame but this is about her actions).
You were complitly right. She might had loved him, but he keeped her a secret and she was okay with beeing a secret while he was alive. So she should also be in his death. Sorry, but that was not her place to be there. She can visit his grave after. And she can also have a small ceremony by herselfe. Ask a priest to read some texts morning a photo or such things.
Just block her number and try to forget about that person.
Sorry for your loss. All the best for you and your children.
She should be absolutely ashamed of herself. I get she’s grieving but so is his family who just lost a husband and father and now also have to deal with the fact that he was unfaithful. And she wouldn’t be grieving if she didn’t mess around with him in the first place. If she had any class at all she would stay away.
And please for the love of God keep the lawyers close in case she comes knocking claiming she’s with child demanding money.
If she wants to “say goodbye properly” she can pay for a memorial service of her own.
Having an affair with someone who already has a spouse and children has drawbacks. Not being welcome at weddings, funerals, and other family functions is one of them. She can not plausibly claim to be surprised at being asked to leave.
Though I’d have happily nudged her into the hole and encouraged her to enjoy eternity with him, but I understand that you didn’t want to cause a scene.
Seriously though, your husband and the homewrecker caused undue harm to your family. She’s owed nothing. Has, in fact, taken far too much from you and your kids already.
She was playing around knowingly with a married man who had a family and now she has the nerve to call you the selfish one???
No sympathy for her, You do what you need to do to protect your kids and family
She apparently knew she was having an affair with a married man and father and she is unreasonable expecting anything from you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, this must be a hell of a time.
This lady needs to know her place.
She was a side piece and she needs to stay where she belongs. Your family is grieving. She has no right to destroy that.
She was selfish enough to cause your husband to be on the road that day.
She can visit his grave any other day.