When the moment comes for a secret to be shared, the line between trust and truth blurs. The friend insists on confidence, yet the other stands firm: honesty lives not behind closed doors but in the open heart of partnership, where silence can betray more than words ever could.
My friend and I have been friends for twenty-five years. We know eachother well. We’re both happily married. We never really dive into deep talks or anything like that. He has said things before that really weren’t appropriate about women (not cheating or anything) and says haha bro code.
I have told him forever that I don’t believe in bro code. IMO if you can’t say something in front of your wife then you either shouldn’t be saying it, you should work on your communication, or you’re not as compatible as you thought.
Plus I’m not protecting someone if they do something that goes against my own personal moral code. I mean if he killed someone I’d be there with a shovel and a hole and not tell anyone, there’s always exceptions.
Much later he wanted to talk to me about something and told me it was in confidence and I told him again, something he already knew, that anything he tells me he’s telling my wife too.
They have also known eachother nearly twenty years and get along great. We lived together for almost a decade – any time he wanted to talk about something he’d go to her and he knew that she’d tell me.
There’s nothing I don’t tell my wife. Same for her. We both believe communication and openness are the key to a happy relationship, and we are pretty fuckin happy. We basically never argue or disagree and both of us know eachother down to the core.
So this last time after telling him again that anything he confides in me will also go to my wife, he got upset. He contacted all of our friends and asked them if they’d go running to their wives when someone confided in them and they’re all on his side.
I understand that it’s not normal, but he has always known this, so it’s not like it’s a surprise.
AITA for not wanting to keep secrets from my wife and being open about that?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing conflict because their long-standing commitment to complete transparency with their spouse directly clashes with their friend’s expectation of confidentiality, especially regarding sensitive discussions.
Is the OP justified in upholding their absolute commitment to marital openness, even if it violates the perceived ‘bro code’ and alienates a long-time friend, or should they have respected the friend’s request for privacy to preserve the friendship?
Here’s how people reacted:
If you’re not willing to hold information in confidence, you can’t be a doctor, lawyer, gov’t employee — or a good friend.
All my friends understand the statement above this and I would argue they are all doing the same thing. Because we love and trust our partners.
If I tell something to someone who’s in a relationship, I do expect that they might talk about that with their partner. But if I want to confide in someone and explicitly tell them that this is just between them and me, then I *expect* them to keep their fucking mouth shut, no matter who it is.
If 99 people say they wouldn’t do a thing but you say you would you seriously think you’re the one who is correct? This has nothing to do with “Bro Code” and everything to do with “being a compassionate friend”. Honestly, I will give you credit for being honest about how much of a friend you AREN’T. My brother was a lot like you and since I couldn’t stop being his brother me and all our friends just stopped hanging out with him. But first we stopped telling him anything we didn’t want everyone to know about. This will be your future.