Thirteen years later, life has moved forward with new beginnings—a marriage, a child, and the weight of past wounds still lingering. The father’s late wife is gone, and loneliness creeps in, but the daughter stands firm, refusing to be a consolation prize, guarding her heart and home with quiet strength amidst the echoes of a fractured past.
When I was 15, my father married a woman I just could not get along with. And there was a lot of friction with her daughter as well.
Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house instead, effectively banning me from his own home.
I said thanks but no thanks and stopped seeing him as per the custody schedule.
He did make attempts to fix our relationship but I wasn’t interested. We would see each other at family events and we were nice enough to each other but that’s it.
It’s now 13 years later and I’m married with a 1 year old.
His wife has passed away in an accident a few years ago and I’m assuming he’s lonely now.
But I don’t really want to be his backup plan.
He comes to see my son once a month and I only see him at the park and don’t engage much with him myself.
Last December, he point blank asked me why I never invited him to my home for dinner or why I never accepted his invites to visit him.
I told him the the truth. He was very upset but it’s the reality of the situation.
Was I the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) clearly established a boundary 13 years ago due to significant, unresolved conflict with their stepmother and stepsister, leading to being effectively barred from their father’s home. While the father has since attempted reconciliation, the OP remains hesitant, viewing current contact primarily through the lens of their father’s present loneliness and feeling pressured to act as a ‘backup plan,’ thereby maintaining emotional distance.
Given the history of extreme conflict and the father’s past action of altering custody arrangements, is the OP justified in continuing to limit contact and refuse invitations based on past emotional damage, or does the passage of time and the father’s current apparent loneliness create a moral obligation to attempt a deeper reconciliation now?
Here’s how people reacted:
INFO: Why couldn’t you get along- was it purely their fault or were you at fault, too? What was your father’s role?
>Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house instead, effectively banning me from his own home.
Sounds like father tried to have some kind of solution to a shitty situation.
>I said thanks but no thanks and stopped seeing him as per the custody schedule.
It was a hard situation, but this part was your decision.
>He did make attempts to fix our relationship but I wasn’t interested. We would see each other at family events and we were nice enough to each other but that’s it.
Again, father made an effort, which you rejected.
>It’s now 13 years later and I’m married with a 1 year old.
>
>His wife has passed away in an accident a few years ago and I’m assuming he’s lonely now.
You are older and in new life situations. He has a grandchild, you a child.
>But I don’t really want to be his backup plan.
So, don’t be. There is space in between nothing and everything.
>He comes to see my son once a month and I only see him at the park and don’t engage much with him myself.
He is interested and still trying. It’s probably awkward AF for him and many would have given up.
>Last December, he point blank asked me why I never invited him to my home for dinner or why I never accepted his invites to visit him.
>
>I told him the the truth. He was very upset but it’s the reality of the situation.
Not surprised he was upset. Based on what you’ve written, you were hurt by not being a part of his household, but we don’t know what happened or the circumstances then.
>Was I the asshole?
Based on the info you’ve given: YTA, but mildly. You are clearly holding on to a lot of feelings from those times, and it might be good to communicate and see if you can work through it. You are an adult now.
EDIT: spacing & small addition (mildly TA)
When I was young my father remarried a woman who… well, let’s just shorthand it to say she likely wouldn’t have married him if she’d known he would start asking for more visitation once he had a wife. She had already dumped each of her three children on whomever was nearest at hand in her search for yet another meal ticket so… yeah. I grew up spending more and more time with them (my mother was maternal only in the sense that she gave birth) and was hurt by how little interest he had in my actual person and feelings. I noted that he doted on her, catered to her, and would move the stars to keep her from sulking but my actual *needs* we’re an inconvenience best ignored. I once made the mistake of asking him how he could place anyone so far above his only child and this was his response: “She is my WIFE. She will be in my life forever. You’re going to grow up and get married but SHE will always be with me. When you have a family of your own you’ll understand.”
I don’t know if your father ever voiced this to you but it sounds like he absolutely *thought* it.
Now you have grown up. You have a spouse and a child of your own and (hopefully) you know just how wrong that sentiment is. And he is, contrary to his plan, without the woman he chose and catered to. This is not your fault.
He made his choice.
You protect yours.
It is up to you whether you may, one day, decide that you want to try and have a cordial relationship with him. Maybe you might consider asking for some time for a conversation where you get the opportunity to tell him just how it felt, 13 years ago, to have your Dad put his new wife and stepdaughter first, and all the painful emotions that went along with that decision. That the thought of having visits at your grandparents’ felt like you were an outcast, etc. An indepth conversation with lots of “I felt. ” sentences. Then he might understand just why you are acting as you are now.
I have done the same. I have been advised to not let the opportunity pass you by to speak your mind, because one day the parent will be gone and so will that opportunity. I spoke all my emotions, got everything off my heart. It did feel good. (Didn’t change the relationship. )
edit: thank you for the multiple awards, kind redditors !!!!
He didn’t say he never wanted to see you again. He said he wanted to see you someplace else, and you are the one who said thanks but no thanks. I know you were a teenager, but that’s not exactly a child and I’ve seen enough AITA posts from the other side to know that sometimes 16 and 17 year olds can be extremely toxic. The fact that you gloss over that part and leave absolutely no details tells me there is a chance you were one of those.
Apparently OP’s dad made attempts to fix their relationship.
If the issue was OP, then it still wasn’t right to just ship them off to the grandparents, but there is A LOT missing from this post.
That being said OP has no obligation to have their dad in their life, but I’m suspicious as to whether the dad is completely at fault.
If the answer is no, then N-T-A and you’re entirely justified. If yes, then Y-T-A for not being more empathetic toward the difficult position your dad was in in trying to maintain a relationship with you while also protecting his wife/other (step) child.
Your birth parents were not together and that didn’t mean that your father had to stay alone forever in order to be part of your life.
You can hang on to that resentment now, but you may be depriving your child of a grandparent because of it.
>When I was 15, my father married a woman I just could not get along with. And there was a lot of friction with her daughter as well.
Why couldn’t you get along with her? What was causing the friction between you and her daughter?
>Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house
Who was starting the fights? What was the fighting about?
Without getting a clearer picture I can’t really give a judgement.
Do you want a relationship with your father? Do you want him to have a relationship with your child?
If not, NTA
If yes, I would reconsider your stance. A grandparent is a wonderful thing to have in a child’s life. The woman is dead. The best revenge is living well.
Seems a little harsh on your part, but I don’t have all the context. NAH.
I’m wondering if he still has a relationship with the stepdaughter.
He put all his chips in the losing horse and now he is trying to get into it with the backup. You are nice enough to let him see your son.