In this tender moment, generations collide—the idealism of youth gently tempered by the wisdom of years. The mother’s candid reflections reveal the unpredictable, often harsh realities of childbirth, reminding them both that love and resilience are the truest birth plans of all.
So I’m a mom of three kids. My oldest kid is my daughter, 23, and she’s four months pregnant right now with her first baby. She and her boyfriend are really excited to be parents and are preparing way ahead of time.
They’ve made a birth plan, they’re buying baby clothes, in talks with a doula and midwife, etcetera.
She’s the first of any of her friends to have kids, so she’s been coming to me for advice. Recently we sat down for a mother-daughter lunch and were were talking about her birth plan.
She asked my opinion on it.
I pretty frankly told her my honest truth; she was being unrealistic with her expectations. My first pregnancy didn’t go as planned (she was breech, which ended in an emergency c-section).
With my last two I wanted a home birth, but with a VBAC that’s risky and I was advised against it. None of my pregnancies were comfortable (all my kids liked to kick the crap out of my insides, and I had gestational diabetes with my last).
So my daughter asked me to elaborate more. And I told her. About the tearing, the episio, pissing yourself, hair falling out postpartum, how much breastfeeding can hurt. I didn’t sugar coat.
I went into pregnancy blind and had a rude awakening when I started having kids.
She got visibly nervous during our talk. I assured her none of it was unbearable; I got my kids out of it after all. But it wasn’t an amazing experience and “forgetting about the pain” wasn’t accurate in my experiences.
I told her she needed to be ready.
She asked if I was trying to scare her off a home/natural birth and I’m not… I just wanted to let her know things don’t always go as planned. We didn’t fight, but she got huffy and started saying I wasn’t helping, she just wanted some advice not scare tactics.
My husband thinks I should have been more tactful as well… but I think she needed the hard truth about it all.
Conclusion
The mother shared intensely negative details about her own childbirth and postpartum experiences, intending to prepare her daughter for potential difficulties. This created a conflict where the mother’s desire to provide a ‘hard truth’ clashed directly with the daughter’s need for supportive advice regarding her birth plan.
Was the mother justified in sharing potentially distressing information to ensure her daughter was realistically prepared, or did her delivery method undermine her daughter’s excitement and right to seek positive affirmation during this planning stage?
Here’s how people reacted:
She didn’t ask “is there anything I should know about giving birth” she asked
“What do you think of my birthing plan”
While the information you gave her was all accurate and good, every pregnancy is different. You’ve had three children and know this. Responding with “I like *insert parts you think are fun or relaxing here* but just keep in mind that a birthing plan is an outline and not an absolute. Be open to change it when you need to.”
If she asked for more information from there, more would be needed.
Right now shes pregnant, excited, scared, and more than anything likely just….needs her mom.
But a lot of scary birth stories are just to scare or to show off what horrors your survived or to punish her for getting pregnant and fear makes birth so much worse. In that case, YTA.
And everyone pees and poos when giving birth— don’t scare her about that.
I’m pregnant with my first and would have 100% appreciated you being honest with me if I was your doctor. She needed to hear the hard truth. Birth can certainly NOT be sunshine and rainbows. I respect you for being honest. My mom did the whole natural birth, breastfed, didn’t have morning sickness. She told me “yeah it hurt but it wasn’t too bad”. Meanwhile I’m over here at 29 weeks, still vomiting on the regular, heartburn that is burning my insides and being punched in the bladder so much that I’m leaking, uncomfortable 24/7. I wish I was told more about the shitty parts.
I thought I’d have a “natural birth” all calm, serene, labour in a pool etc. I was induced and ended up in an emergency section. Breastfeeding hurt like a mofo. Healing from the section HA! It got infected. Cluster feedings 😫 I think you showed her the other side and it probably burst her bubble. But I wish my antenatal/breastfeeding classes covered more.
Letting her know that things may not go as planned is one thing, but she also stands the chance that things will go as planned. Or that what was bad for you may not be for her. No two pregnancies/deliveries are alike.
This is her first birth, and she’s apprehensive. Your job as a mother is not just to dispense information wholesale, but to encourage, support and reassure. Yes, she needs to be ready for delivery, but she doesn’t need to be ready for everything all at once, and she can’t be.
Also, it’s not cool to scare a pregnant lady. I dreaded pregnancy and birth so much I nearly didn’t have kids. My experience was really positive. You’re not wrong to talk about your experiences but geez, bad timing.