With every pound shed and every step taken in the quiet of her new routine, a silent battle unfolds at home. The man who once adored her unconditionally now wrestles with change, his support waning under the weight of old habits and new temptations, threatening to tether her progress to the past they both are struggling to leave behind.
I was overweight when I met my husband (M41). Before I started working from home, I (F28) didn’t really care about how healthy our meals were, focusing mostly on comfort food, which my husband loved.
Since working from home, I gained two extra hours daily without a commute and started exercising. My family has a history of high blood pressure, making my decision to get in shape urgent.
My husband was supportive initially, but as I lose weight, he has become resistant. He constantly brings home junk food and pressures me to eat it.
My husband is a mailman and walks 15 miles daily, so he is in better shape than I am. His old dinners were two or three helpings of whatever unhealthy food I made. I do all the grocery shopping and cooking, as he cannot cook.
When I say healthier choices, I mean using alternatives like 1% milk instead of heavy cream in favorite dishes and adding vegetables, not completely changing the cuisine.
Since I started this, my husband has doubled his efforts to stop my health focus. He still eats his usual two to three helpings, so the food cannot taste bad. I stopped sharing my goals with him because he becomes surly.
It culminated last night when I made a casserole using broccoli and a lighter sauce. He flipped out, claiming I was pushing my “get better looking” agenda onto him, though my efforts are not appearance-based.
He then accused me of being sick of him and using workouts as an excuse to leave, which is untrue; my workouts are only 40 minutes.
He stated he would drop the issue if I returned to cooking and eating as before. I told him he was welcome to cook his way, but he refused and left upset. I called my sister, who sided with him, saying I was TA for not providing the “fuel” he needs for his job, and that I shouldn’t be the sole decision-maker for meals just because cooking is my task.
Am I the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict where her personal health goal (improving diet and fitness) directly clashes with her husband’s established comfort and expectations regarding shared meals. Her actions stem from a serious health concern—family history of high blood pressure—while the husband reacts with resistance, accusing her of personal criticism and trying to sabotage her efforts to change their lifestyle.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing her long-term health by making necessary, moderate changes to the household food preparation, even if it causes her husband’s immediate displeasure and resistance, or is she unfairly disregarding his established comfort and need for high-calorie meals required for his physically demanding job?
Here’s how people reacted:
Well, it worked. We ate healthy and spent less time on meals and had each other to cheerlead and boost and support each other through our successes and frustrations. We both dropped weight, my back problems and her breathing problems cleared up, we felt physically great and confident in our bodies for maybe the first time ever. We shrunk out of our clothes, but for the first time, clothes shopping was a pleasure instead of a nightmare. I stopped thinking about “what do I *want* to eat?” and just thought of food as fuel, and it was so freeing.
She fell off first. Her family is all morbidly obese and they cook three heavy, multicourse country-style meals a day, every day. When we’d visit, they’d spend the whole time trying to push unhealthy food on us, criticizing our reasonable portions at meals, fretting over how we were “too skinny” and it “couldn’t be healthy” (not true.) She had more contact with them, and eventually succumbed to the pressure. I watched her gain the weight back and become unhappier and her breathing problems return, but when I offered help, she snapped at me for trying to control her. I don’t blame her; she was feeling insecure and hurt and defensive. It was harder for me to maintain my good eating habits without that support, and while seeing her bringing home junk food and having rich foods appear in the fridge again, but I hung on.
Then I got into a relationship.
I had always been an emotional eater but had finally trained myself out of it; my boyfriend (eventually fiancé) was a huge emotional eater and enabler. If I’d had a hard day, he’d suggest getting a ‘treat’, when I resisted, he’d coax until I gave in. When he’d had a hard day, he’d binge wildly and I’d usually cave too. I worked to share his interests, but he made no effort to share mine so pretty soon our main/only bonding activity was food. He’d beat himself up over how heavy and out of shape he was and make grandiose promises about working out and stuff, but if I suggested going on a walk or something, there was always a reason why he couldn’t do it right then.
His weight ballooned. My weight ballooned. All the discipline and good habits I’d worked so hard to teach myself unraveled. People at work were convinced I was pregnant because I was gaining weight so fast. I kept telling myself I’d figure out how to turn it around but it felt hopeless because I loved this dude and planned to spend the rest of my life with him and couldn’t see how to break the cycle.
Then, without warning, he ghosted me. We were engaged. I was wearing his ring. The last day I saw him, he was initiating conversation about when we could buy a house and start a family. The next morning I got a text from him saying me “needed some space.” I never heard from or saw him again. He didn’t respond to texts, emails or phone calls. Gone.
I went into an emotional tailspin, with no discipline to keep myself from eating all my damn feelings. The weight piled on; I’ve finally managed to stop it but haven’t been able to reverse it. I’ve damaged my feet and hurt my back to the point where even sitting is painful. I’m trying to get back into walking, but just a simple trip to the grocery store is absolute agony. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been and in constant pain. I feel hopeless and trapped in the prison of my own body.
I fully accept responsibility for my situation, but make no mistake: support (or lack of support) matters. I apologize for the tl;dr, but if my experience can serve as a cautionary tale, it will have done some good. I don’t have an easy solution to your problem, but I do know that you are NTA.
This is not about ‘fuel’ or nutrition or being healthy or not. It’s about psychology.
Your husband has a physically demanding (somewhat) job. These days he is probably having to work extra hard because everything is getting shipped rather than bought in person. In addition, he has to worry about contracting COVID-19 from the packages he touches.
So when he comes home he wants a lot of extra tasty food- it is a psychological reward / relaxation / pleasure after working a long hard day. THAT is why he wants his big fatty meal.
The substitutions you have done in your cooking may make the food less fatty and more nutrient dense, but they will also make it taste differently. There really is no substitute for fat and salt and whatnot in food.
And you say yourself that is a big part of why he fell in love with you- you made him the food he loves and that was a big part of the ‘love language’ of your relationship.
Now (from his POV), you are taking that away from him. From his POV, you’ve arbitrarily decided that the both of you need to get healthier, and thus eat food he doesn’t enjoy as much, he doesn’t feel he has any say in this. So your more healthy cooking seems to him like something you are doing ‘to him’. Thus he gets pissy about it.
And while you are right that the way you are cooking now has many benefits, you didn’t consider his POV. That’s why I don’t say it’s a clear cut case.
OTOH, he’s doing the same thing- only considering his point of view, not yours. He isn’t considering that you will be eating the same food he is, that you AREN’T on your feet all day getting tons of exercise, and that what you cook for him affects you as well since you are eating it too. He also isn’t considering that it’s his duty as a partner to support you and your efforts to be healthier.
I suggest talk with him and work out a compromise- for example one night you cook unhealthy food but make lots of extra, the next night you make healthy food and make lots of extra, so you can each trade off- one of you is eating a fresh meal, the other one is eating reheated food, but you both are getting what you want (you get healthier food, he gets fattier food).
>He then accused me of being sick of him and using my workouts as an excuse to get away from him,
>Since I’ve started doing this my husband has doubled his efforts in trying to get me to stop working on my health
Oh wait that’s why! He’s awful.
>he needs for his physically intensive job
Many would argue that your healthier food is better for him as it probably contains less bad fats and more protein.
Normal people support their spouse when they want to workout and be healthier. My spouse is a bit heavier and has recently started boxing and running on a treadmill. She does this when I’m around or not around, makes no difference to me. She’s happy and feels better and is more aware of the food we eat and has started making food that’s better for us. Cool with me I love food.
NTA and I would tell him to either learn to make his own damn food or he can find different pushover to be a housewife cuz that isn’t you girl. Also tell your sister to shove it for trying to push that sexist crap. The one who cooks has all the say if the other person in the relationship has offered no support in it until they don’t like it anymore.
Given the age difference, and his comment about your “get better looking agenda”, I’m inclined to agree with the others who have suggested that he’s feeling insecure and may be worried that you’re looking to attract someone younger. If this is the case *and he’s right* then you are TA otherwise he is.
Two other possibilities have been suggested as well, that he fetishised your earlier appearance — some guys have a thing for big women — or that he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. He’s TA in both of these scenarios, but only a little bit in the first one (for not telling you up front) and a whole lotta TA in the second one.
Only you can decide which of these situations is closest to the truth, and what you do about it depends on whether to want to stay in the marriage or not. Seriously. I think this disagreement has the potential to reach that level.
I’d say this all stems from insecurity on your partner’s side. Some variation of you’re doing this to be more attractive to other people and/or will leave him.
This isn’t actually about what you are cooking but what you are eating. Even if you made 2 versions the less healthy for him and more healthy for you he’d probably not like it.
He prefers you being unhealthy. Maybe he thinks you’re out of his league otherwise and you’ll realize that and leave.
Your husband is being really weird and controlling. The fact that he said he thinks you are trying to look better and doesn’t acknowledge the fact that you want to FEEL better is an issue. A lot of emotionally abusive relationships rely on tactics like that because one partner wont want the other one to better themselves. They think if they keep you looking and feeling crappy they have more security in keeping you around. If he doesn’t want to support you that is really shitty. As for not supplying him with the “fuel” he needs for his job, maybe chuck a box of protein bars at his stupid face and let him fend for himself.
You guys need a heart to heart to figure out what is *really* eating at him.
>He flipped out and said I’m trying to push **my “get better looking” agenda** off on him even though my efforts to get in shape have nothing to do with how I look.
This is all armchair psychology but it sounds to me as if he feels threatened by your interest in improving yourself and is afraid you might be doing it to start shopping elsewhere for a man.
He may not even realize this himself but I think it’s a fair bet to say his problem is NOT with the food.
NTA. Girl, run!
He’s trying to control what you eat and to be honest it sounds like he wants to keep you overweight so you have less confidence and stay with him.
There’s a reason older men date younger woman and it’s usually because they are easier to control.
If he’s got to 41 and is incapable of making a dinner for himself then that’s his problem.
I appreciated the “cooking was one of my tasks in the relationship” part. Since then adults can’t cook the things they like for themselves so they have to get a special chief-cook and call it a relationship task?
NTA
Keep doing what you’re doing, and if he keeps complaining say that you want to get couples counseling
>She sided with my husband and said I was being TA by not providing him with the “fuel” he needs for his physically intensive job
Also, I’m sorry, but your sister in an idiot
No matter the reason, insecurity doesn’t excuse toxicity.
He’s literally trying to fatten you up so you feel insecure and don’t switch him out for a newer model. He might need to consider therapy or confidence building exercises. Either that or he fetishized how you used to look.
I suggest trying to prove to him your family’s history and show him what you planned. Maybe teach him how to cook- solves two problems. You get time together, and he can eat what he wants.
If he doesn’t like the meals, he can cook his own food. I guarantee that 2-3 servings of the food you’re cooking is “sufficient fuel.”