The user ignored their initial attempts to connect until two days prior, when she sent a single email stating clearly that they would never know her child or be part of their lives, demanding they cease all contact. Despite this explicit boundary, her parents have continued to reply to the email, arguing that she is overreacting and claiming the source of past conflict, Luna, is no longer an issue, leaving the user questioning her actions.
I’m (25f) pregnant with my first child and only a few weeks ago my estranged parents found out about my pregnancy from someone I know back in my home town. They reached out so excited to find out they were going to be grandparents and wanting to be involved but I ignored them and continued ignoring them until two days ago when I replied one time and made it clear they will never know my child or be in our lives and that I wanted them to stop contacting me.
This was all via email btw.
I have an older sister Sam (28) and she had a best friend Luna. Sam and Luna met in pre-k and became fast friends. Luna was over at our house all the time and eventually she started saying really awful things to me and bullying me.
She called me names, mocked me whenever I asked if I could spend time with her and Sam, threw stuff at me when she’d see me and even made a game out of spitting at me and seeing how many times she could hit me.
My parents knew and they did nothing but once I was 7 they sat me down and told me that Luna had a bad time at home and she was mean but she needed us and I needed to understand. And how Luna was so important to Sam and she would grow up into a better person if we didn’t abandon her.
She used to come along to extended family parties and dinners. I remember one time mom’s side was all meeting up and because my parents didn’t say Luna was coming we were a chair short for a bit.
Luna took the chair and then said there was no room for me at the table just like there wasn’t room for me anywhere and I should cry in a corner somewhere. Mom’s family were horrified and I started to cry.
I was like 9 by then. My grandparents ended up leaving the table and getting one for just the three of us and they spoiled me while they refused to pay for a single thing Luna consumed.
They asked me what was going on too and I told them EVERYTHING. Afterward my parents got so much shit from mom’s side of the family and my mom’s parents contacted my dad’s parents and they were shamed by both sides.
When they had enough of that my parents told Sam that Luna needed to come over less or she needed to be nicer. They sorta stuck to that for a while. My grandparents checked in on me weekly to see if my parents were “letting that spoiled little madam into the house to abuse me” and I think that was the deterrent for my parents.
But then when I was 12 my parents let Luna move in with us. They said her home situation was worse and she was going to apologize and we were going to make sure she felt wanted and welcome with us.
I got a “sorry, I guess” from her but I could hear her making fun of me to Sam whenever me and my parents weren’t around. She’d laugh about how I looked betrayed when my parents told me she was moving in.
She found it hilarious.
I think you can see whose side Sam was always on.
I lived like that for a little over a year before it got to be too much and I told my grandparents Luna was living with us. They went ballistic on my parents and after weeks or months of fighting about it my grandparents insisted I was going to move in with them.
My parents protested against it but my grandparents said they couldn’t be trusted to take care of me. My parents wouldn’t kick out Luna for me so yeah. I lived with my grandparents the rest of that time and I actually live in the same neighborhood as them with my partner now.
I actually had zero contact once I moved in with my grandparents. These emails were the first contact in more than a decade. My parents keep replying to that one email. I got like four within a few minutes about an hour after I sent it and they’re telling me I’m taking this too far and they said Luna isn’t even in the picture anymore.
AITA?
Conclusion
The user is currently standing firm on maintaining complete separation from her parents due to years of unaddressed emotional abuse related to her sister’s friend, Luna, which her parents prioritized over her well-being. This results in a conflict between her need for protective boundaries for herself and her coming child against her parents’ current desire for inclusion and reconciliation.
The core question remains whether cutting off contact entirely, especially now that she is pregnant, is an overreaction given the parents’ assertion that the historical issue (Luna) is resolved, or if the decade-plus of silence validates her decision to protect her new family unit from further emotional harm.
Here’s how people reacted:
The only reason things got a little better for a while is because your grandparents stepped in and shamed them. But that only lasted a while before they decided the best way to make things ‘better’ was to make things even worse for you by forcing you to live with your abuser.
I’m so glad you had your grandparents and they stepped in to get you out of that house.
As for your parents, they’ve had years to try and get back in contact, some of those years while you were still a minor and living with your grandparents, and could have used that time to prove to you that they’d changed and they were sorry for prioritising an abuser over their child. They chose not to do that, and are only in contact now because you’re having a baby. I’m guessing your sister doesn’t have kids, so yours is the first grandbaby, though they’d likely push either way. Even now, though, they’re not trying to make up for what they did or show you they’ve changed. It’s just ‘Luna isn’t around anymore, so why is this still an issue’. Like you’re the one with the problem when it’s your parents who continuously betrayed you for years and left you to suffer.
This isn’t just about Luna’s treatment of you, it’s about the way your parents abandoned you to your abuser. They were fine with watching you suffer so they could pretend they were good people. They clearly haven’t changed because they clearly refuse to acknowledge that what they did was wrong and showed they were bad people. Appearance is probably a big thing here, too. Someone in your hometown told them you were pregnant, so their friends and neighbours are talking about this. They’re clearly wondering why your parents aren’t involved with their pregnant daughter, and your parents are now trying to save face.
This attempt isn’t about you or mending your relationship. They’re still just trying to make themselves look good and they don’t care what effect that will have on you. Keep the NC. These people don’t deserve to be in your life, or the life of your child. Given they clearly prefer Sam to you, prefer non family members to you as well, it won’t be long before someone else is being prioritised to the detriment of you and your child. Keeping your parents out of your life doesn’t just protect you, it protects your child, too. And it proves you’re not like your parents, you won’t let an innocent child suffer to help an abuser.
Your decision to not allow them to be involved in your child’s life seems to stem from a legitimate desire to create a safe and supportive environment for your family. It is commendable that you are taking this stance, especially considering the trauma you experienced during your formative years.
While it may be difficult for them to accept your boundaries, it is essential for you to prioritize your mental health and the well-being of your child. You deserve a nurturing environment free from past pain and negativity. Ultimately, only you can determine what is best for yourself and your family moving forward.
Keep documentation of everything they try to do or say. Sounds like restraining orders may be needed in the future. Won’t lie they will likely try and get your sister or other family involved. I’d make it abundantly clear to other family members that you don’t talk with your parents or sister and they don’t need to know where you live, work, or hang around. Also warn your friends, I’ve had too many instances of friends trying to help cause they weren’t aware of the situation.
Your parents showed you who their priority was when you were a child. They have made no effort to contact you until it would be to their benefit. They want to be the grandparents because grandparents. That is something you earn by being a truly loving parent. If Luna has been out of their lives this long, why have they not tried to reach out? What makes them deserving of a place in your life now because you’re pregnant??
The answer to that is NOTHING. You owe them exactly what you got growing up – NOTHING.
Ignore the emails and live your happy healthy life. Congratulations from an internet Mama and “extra” gma for baby.
Check if grandparents rights are a thing where you live. Many states have none, some have them, but it’s more if one parent dies type of scenario. There are a few that are very permissive even if there is no relationship between grandparents and grandchild. So just for peace of mind, check it out so you know if you might have to take action.
Sounds like your parents loooove being the ones who swoop in to dote on people. Luna, the new baby, etc. People like that feel important and special when they’re in the “I’m doing everything for this little tyke” spotlight. That’s fifty percent of why new grandparents are suddenly super-interested in adult kids who have cut off contact.
Keep on doing what you’re doing — your baby does not need this drama and neither do you.
(Would still love to know what happened with Luna and Sam though.)
No one has the ability to change the past. This isn’t about Luna or even you. It’s about your child. If you think their presence in your child’s life will negatively impact your child, then protect your baby. But don’t drag your child into this situation because you are holding a grudge against your parents.
They let Luna bully you for years and ignored your well-being, and now that you’re pregnant, they suddenly want to reconnect? That doesn’t erase the neglect and hurt they caused.
You don’t owe them anything. Protecting yourself and your child is what matters, and setting boundaries is the right call.
I’m curious though, what happened to Luna and why isn’t she in the picture anymore? Your parents had time to contact you before now.
I wonder what else went wrong for them that they think your child will be some sort of do over or consolidation prize?
They went more than a decade without contacting you, they are garbage parents, and they deserve the same amount of consideration they gave you these 10+ years, which is zero. If Luna pops back in, they’d abandon your child too, so don’t even give them the opportunity.
Protect your peace. Being a parent is hard enough without adding toxic people in your life
Don’t allow them to establish any kind of connection with your child as that can help them gain grandparents rights if they live somewhere that recognises them.
What is the saying f around and find out. Your parents have and you get to live a happy life without them
NTA. Actions have consequences, and now they’re finding out those consequences.
I’m so sick of this “grandparents rights” shit. Just no.