As the hours dragged on, the sanctuary she sought was shattered again by a FaceTime call, thrusting her into an unwanted spotlight during her most vulnerable moment. The weight of isolation grew heavier, not just from the physical torment, but from the emotional distance of those who should have been her support, revealing a stark divide between pain endured and empathy received.
I was in labor for 26 hours and was in a lot of pain as I didn’t take an epidural. My husband was constantly on the phone either playing games or talking with his ‘bros’ being really loud.
When I asked him to please hang up, he’d hang up the phone and then like 10 minutes later call them back. He really wanted to talk to them because his friends went on a boys trip without him because I asked to stay back so he could be here when I went into labor; they were calling to tell him about how their trip was going.
He apologized to them, blaming it on me being a nag. I was really annoyed and told him if he wanted to talk to his friend, he could do that elsewhere so I can be in pain in peace. He was like, ‘Alright, fine, baby, I’ll just call them back later,’ so I had about 20 minutes of peace until his mom FaceTimed him, where he proceeded to put me in the video call.
His mom makes a comment about how she remembers when she was in labor with him and that she still did herself up; she even claimed she looked so good the doctor even was flirting with her.
I was holding back everything inside me to not say something, as I didn’t want to disrespect my mother-in-law, but at the same time, she sometimes just makes the stupidest comments at the worst times, and at this moment, I could not stand talking to her.
A nurse ends up coming in and could tell I was upset and asks me if everything was alright, and I tell her I just really want to be alone. She ends up kicking out my husband, and in turn, he ends up missing the birth of our first-born daughter because he left the hospital because he was pissed off that I got the nurse to kick him out of the room.
He refused to come to see his daughter afterward because he was angry at me for kicking him out. My mother-in-law, who did visit me in the hospital, wouldn’t stop talking about how I’m such a bad wife for removing my husband from the room.
When I got home, he kept on bringing up how I ruined a moment of bonding with his daughter and how he could never forgive me for that. Am I the asshole for kicking my husband out of the delivery room because he was making phone calls?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced extreme physical distress during a long labor and felt unsupported by her husband, who prioritized social calls and then failed to respect her need for quiet. The central conflict arose from the OP asserting a boundary by asking for quiet and later asking the nurse to remove her husband, which directly clashed with the husband’s expectation of constant access and the mother-in-law’s judgment regarding wifely duties.
Given the husband’s persistent disregard for the OP’s pain and requests, was removing him from the delivery room a necessary act of self-preservation, or did this action cross a line by preventing him from witnessing the birth of his first child? Where should the line be drawn between a laboring person’s right to peace and a partner’s right to participate in the birth?
Here’s how people reacted:
**Husband and his mommy dearest are gaslighting you. This isn’t your fault. It’s theirs.**
*constantly on the phone ether playing games or talking with with his “bros” being really loud, when I asked him to please hang up he’d hang up the phone and then like 10 mins later call them back*
You were in labor. His job was to be there for you. Instead, he could last an hour without finding something else to amuse himself with. That’s not being there for you. It’s putting his amusement ahead of your needs. He was distracting you with his calls and games. He could have taken those calls and gone out of the room to show you some respect. He had other options. Or he could have just been bored for a while and sucked it up like an adult.
*He apologize to them blaming it on me being a nag.*
Did he apologize to **you** for his rudeness and lack of help? Did his mother apologize to you? The person owed the apology is you, from both of them.
During your labor, **he blamed you for being upset, but it was his behavior that was wrong**\– his lack of attention, his lack of interest and his rudeness in showing you that he wanted to be elsewhere. He was making very sure that you knew that he didn’t want to be there, by constantly being on his phone instead of helping you, talking with you, or just being quiet and waiting patiently. Sounds like his constant phone stuff was him punishing you for asking him to stay behind.
**How does that get turned into blaming you for him missing the birth? He was planning to not be there anyway. You had to ask him to stay home.** Most husbands would automatically tell their friends that that timing was too close to the birth, and they weren’t making plans for those weeks. You know, because they wanted to be there and help out.
*his mom FaceTimed him where he proceeded to put me in the video call*
Very rude of him. Her comments were rude, too. Doesn’t he know she’s like this? **He should have been protecting you, not exposing you to insults during this time.** He should have told her off and hung up on her for what she said to you. I’m betting the nurses were appalled at his behavior, the whole time.
*He ends up missing the birth of our First born daughter because he left the hospital because he was pissed off*
He behaved badly. He pushed his mother into your face and she insulted you. You needed peace. **He got asked to leave the room because fathers in that situation do not usually act that way.** Instead of being self-aware and contrite, he blames you and gets angry at you. **He ought to have gotten angry at himself, not you.** You weren’t behaving badly, you were working damn hard. **He had the choice what to do there, and his choice was to stomp off and indulge his tantrum.**
*He refused to come see his daughter afterwards because he was angry at me*
Again, his choice. **He focused on blaming you, not himself. His behavior was the problem**, not you asking him to behave. He’s making up reasons to blame you here. This is gaslighting, pretending that you are the one at fault, that the situation isn’t his bad behavior but your objection to it.
*mother in law who did visit me in the hospital wouldn’t stop taking about how I’m such a bad wife for removing my husband from the room.*
What nonsense. I’d stop having visits from her. She lies. **You aren’t a bad wife. You were objecting to his bad behaviors, and the nurse did something to protect you so you could do your labor. He is at fault here. Not you. MIL is also at fault here, not you.**
*he kept on bringing up how I ruined a moment of bonding with his daughter and how he could never forgive me for that.*
He can’t have it both ways. He was going to go on the boy’s trip with his friends and possibly miss the birth. So which did he want? The boy’s trip? The birth? Because it’s his own fault that he missed it. Not yours. The nurse was protecting you, and helping you. He wasn’t.
I hope he isn’t like this all the time. Because I want to come rescue you from him if he is. Where’s the love? Where’s the pride? Where’s the compassion for what you were doing? Where’s the concern for you? Where’s his protecting you from people being rude and insulting to you? Where’s him acting like husband at all? He’s being a selfish jerk, not a husband.
You deserve better than this. He needs therapy. And to apologize for about the next six months, not throw blame at you. Good grief.
NTA. They both are, though. Huge ones. T-rexes.
Tell him –
“You missed the birth of your daughter because you threw a temper tantrum and left the hospital. If you had been focused on me and the baby instead of playing games and having loud phone calls with your friends, I never would have asked you to leave the room. You’re mad that you missed this moment? Well I am mad that when your daughter and I needed you most, you prioritized chatting with your friends and complaining about what a nag I am. I am mad that when I was in an incredibly vulnerable position you let your mom insult me. I am mad that you are blaming me for something that was the consequences of your own selfish actions. I am mad that you are still making this situation about yourself and playing the victim instead of celebrating that I gave birth to our daughter.”
ONE. MUST. NEVER. PISS OFF. PARTNER. WHILE. SHE. IS. DELIVERING. THEIR. BABY.
Your partner’s job is to wipe your forehead with a cold wash cloth. Clean your shit off the floor if you have an accident (I don’t gaf if there’s a nurse there, it’s the least the partner can do to demonstrate their undying appreciation). Have their hand crushed. Make sure the right music is on. Most of all, don’t fucking breathe without baby mama’s permission.
*edit* if you can (and some states include this in coverage now), I highly recommend having a Doula. When my wife first raised the idea I thought it was some happy dippy shit, but to have someone in the delivery room who can serve as an advocate, coach, aide and has been there for a few dozen/hundred births is massive
Everyone sucks here EXCEPT the OP so… NTA and everyone else is (except the nurse… she rocks!)
He chose to leave he hospital. He chose to boycott the hospital. He chose to be an AH in the delivery room by not being there for you and for Face Timing with his mom who started to make everything about her (who does that?). Yes, it’s boring watching your wife suffer through labor pains, but the answer isn’t to act like a two-year-old and play with your phone. If it was boring for him, can’t he guess what it was like for you? You were bored, in pain, and concerned about your baby.
He has regrets because he messed up. Now he’s trying to blame you.
I’m sure that you have some regrets now too, like why are you with this jerk?
That’s a whole lot of red flags from your husband:
1) had to be told not to leave on a boys holiday when his wife would likely be giving birth to his child
2) ignored his labouring wife to chat with his friends on said trip
3) called them back after being told to hang up
4) answered a video chat from someone you didn’t want in the room
5) allowed that person to be disrespectful towards you
6) went off in a sulk instead of visiting you and his child as soon as he was allowed back in
If he has a problem with the situation you could ask him what he was feeling the last time he had a new person escaping from his vagina so you can compare notes and come up with a compromise.
(And your MIL? I just can’t. The good news is if you kick your AH husband out, you can lose the AH MIL, too!)
He deserved to be booted from the room.
I’m sorry that you didn’t get the support you needed because your husband was too busy checking in with his bros.
What are you going to do now? I think it would be better to be alone than stuck with him. I’m being serious.
You have every right to decide who gets to be in the delivery room with you, and your husband’s behaviour was inappropriate.