As new life blooms next door with the arrival of a newborn, the household dynamics shift, weaving a complex tapestry of unspoken needs and silent sacrifices. Amidst the anticipation of an upcoming trip, the fragile harmony between the families teeters on the edge, ready to reveal the true strength and limits of their coexistence.
My husband and I rent a house with his brother and wife. We live in a very expensive city and this is quite a big house with great metro access, so that’s what’s convenient. We get along fine usually.
My husband and I have a son. He’s just turned five. The early years were the normal struggle of trying to teach basic human functioning to a kid, but now it’s become so fun! During this time there were definitely low points, when he wouldn’t sleep, juggling work and childcare, potty training, etc.
There were quite some bad days, but my husband and I got through them and my brother in law and his wife have never been asked to help. Whatever their plans are at home or out, we have never asked them to change their plans or watch our kids.
Recently they had their own child and are going through the newborn stage. Sis in law is on maternity leave and brother in law is working. So a few days ago, I pick up my son from school and we come home before going to a highly anticipated trip to the movies.
When we get home, sister is in the living room in tears. It seems her newborn didn’t sleep much and has been colicky all day. I sympathise with her and tell her that this stage will be over soon.Then my son and I leave for the movie.
Today my husband told me that both my brother in law and his wife are angry that I didn’t offer to take care of the baby for a while so she could have a break. I’m kind of shocked that I’m being asked to do something that they never have offered to do and we have never asked them to do.
I feel like they should take care of their kid just like we did.
ETA: For all those asking if I resent my in laws for not helping… I think any parent would like help. But I don’t feel entitled to their help when it’s my husband’s and my decision to have said child.
However I am feeling really resentful right now that they feel entitled to my help and the fact that they never helped me definitely makes it worse.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels conflicted because their in-laws expect them to provide childcare support now that the in-laws have a newborn, despite the OP never receiving such help during their own child’s difficult early years. The central conflict lies between the OP’s belief in self-sufficiency for parenting decisions and the in-laws’ perceived sense of entitlement to reciprocal support.
Is it fair for the in-laws to demand childcare assistance when they never offered it during the OP’s struggles, or should the OP have offered help based on a general expectation of family support, even without prior reciprocation?
Here’s how people reacted:
NAH. SIL is overwhelmed and exhausted. The unspoken arrangement/status quo in your household has been that the other couple is not expected to help with childcare. So really, I don’t think you did anything wrong by assuming that was still the case and carrying on with your plans.
However, it seems like she is struggling and honestly it would be kind for you and your husband to offer to help periodically. Not everything in this word has to be 100% reciprocal—sometimes when you see someone struggling the kind thing to do, because you like/love them, is to offer to help even though they dropped the ball in previous, similar circumstances.
It sounds to me like you would all benefit from discussing this properly and letting them know that if they would like help, they can ask but that you didn’t realize they needed a hand. Hopefully once you’ve all cooled down you can find an arrangement that works for you all.
I want to highlight that you say that in the 5 years of raising your child, you’ve NEVER asked for help or received help from your sister and her husband.
First off, I find that incredibly hard to believe. Second, in any case, no sane person would go 5 years without asking their family for help looking after their kids, especially if they lived literally in the same house. IMO you are either exaggerating or have an unhealthy habit of not asking for help / fear of being a burden. I suspect that you’re a bit of both, but I don’t think you’re an asshole.
It sounds completely reasonable that your sister and her husband feel overwhelmed with parenting, especially being new parents. It is completely reasonable to ask for help. Depending on the context, I think it would be a bit rude not to take the initiative to offer your help, but for the most part, I don’t think anyone can expect you to read their minds. For the most part, I would offer a reasonable amount of help WHEN THEY ASK FOR IT.
And you were looking after your own child. It’s not fair to break a promise to him for someone who didn’t even ask you to help. You are modeling boundaries for him, not just for her. You don’t want him to grow up thinking he comes last, after every other person who could possibly have a problem.
It’d be nice of you to offer to help her out sometimes, when you don’t have prior commitments. But in *this* situation, NTA.
You worked through the challenging parenting years without asking for help or being offered help from your in-laws, and since that had been established in your household as the way things worked, it seems natural to me that you should expect that’s how it would be when your in-laws had their baby.
They’re TA for:
1) Not asking for help when they needed it, expecting you to magically intuit when you should jump in to help;
2) Trash talking you behind your back to your husband; and
3) apparently expecting the rules of the house to change for them.
These are all good signs that maybe this living arrangement isn’t such a good one moving forward.
I mean, of course you haven’t earned the title of asshole here. You didn’t go out of your way to be mean to someone or anything.
But geez, you sure missed an opportunity to be awesome. The difference between you and your sister-in-law is that you’ve been there! When you were going through all of this she didn’t have any experience or perspective, she didn’t know how miserable it was. *You* do though. Now that she’s going through it, you have no pity? No care? Just, *good luck, we out!* ?
Okay…
If you ever *do* need help, don’t expect it to come from them. That’s a shame too, what with them being the closest family you have…
When I notice them getting really frustrated I ask them what do we do when we need help
They usually answer “we ask for help”
Then I keep looking at them without moving a muscle until they ask me for what they need.
If my 4 years old kids can communicate their needs, your SIL is DEFINITELY a big girl, and can use her big girl words to ask for help.
NTA.
Technically you’re right. They didn’t help you, so if we’re talking tit for tat, you don’t owe them any help. But personally I I’d feel like crap if I left my SIL crying in my living room to go to the movies. And honestly, shouldn’t help be offered based on when it’s needed. And not based on who helped whom last and with what.
Also you’re not a mind-reader. Would it have been kind of you to do? Yes. Were you obligated to offer? No. Should the SiL have used her adult words? Yes. Just because you were strong enough to deal with a colicky kid without assistance doesn’t necessarily mean SIL is.
NTA. SIL seems a bit entitled to you and your time if you and your family pay rent. But she wasn’t malicious. Perhaps she should have told you she was irked at you rather than venting to her husband, who then yelled at your husband.
Definitely NTA – especially since they offered you guys no help when you were going through the same rough phase.
OP, did you ever ask for help or were in a dire situation/reduced to tears in front of the ILs and they chose to ignore?
ESH.
Them for not offering help to you. You for seeing her in tears and leaving for a movie. Kinda feels like you’re holding a grudge for them not helping you out.
Edit: changed my answer to INFO
Having had kids and finished with the newborn stage is hard earned not being obligated to deal with the newborn phase anymore.
She should have asked. And even if you said no, they’re out of line having a tantrum about it. They should leave that to the kids/babies.
Your SIL is a turgid asshole.
Once you start giving help its going to snowball and become expected, even at the cost of your own family, don’t fall for this.
As the meme says “Its a trap!”
Do people just not do compassion anymore?