The conflict began three years prior when the ex remarried and requested the OP split costs for clothes damaged during a wedding event. Suspicion arose when the OP discovered bruises on her son following this event. As incidents of rough treatment and verbal abuse from the stepchildren continued, the OP documented everything, which led to CPS involvement. The situation escalated when the stepchildren locked the son alone in a garage with dangerous tools, leading to the custody ruling. Now, the OP is facing pressure from the ex’s family, including his parents, to allow their son to attend their upcoming anniversary party where the stepchildren will also be present, despite her explicit refusal.
I (33F) have a 7 year old son with my ex (35M). Almost a year ago I was given full custody of our son and my ex was awarded supervised visitation. The reason for this was the abuse our son was suffering at the hands of his father’s stepchildren (12 and 13).
This was a very difficult battle to win. It started 3 years ago when my son came home from his father’s house and my ex announced he’d gotten remarried over the weekend and he wanted me to pay half toward the clothes he bought our son for the wedding because they got ruined.
Of course I didn’t pay half but I did ask why he expected me to pay and why the clothes were ruined. He said he felt like we should split the cost of big items like that. Then he refused to answer how they got ruined.
Later that evening when I was bathing my son I noticed some bruises on him and it made me suspicious. He mentioned his arms hurt and that the big kids had done it.
A few weeks later my ex called me and asked me to come and calm our son down. He said our son was hysterical and he had been unable to calm him. When I got to his house our son was still crying and wanted to come home with me.
My ex’s wife said one of her kids had accidentally stepped in my son’s foot and my son got scared. But I could hear one of her kids in the background calling my son names and saying they wanted to shut him up.
Over time things got worse. There were more bruises and more days where our son would get very upset at his dad’s house. I spoke to my ex who said his stepkids were taking it bad that their mom had remarried and that they had lost their dad only 4 years prior and it was difficult for them.
He said he and our son weren’t their favorite people. But he said it wasn’t a big deal. I decided to document these incidents and injuries anyway because it appeared to me my ex was not concerned and our son could be at risk in his home.
As our son got bigger he’d verbalize more and more about what was going on. The stepkids treated him like shit and were not embarrassed or ashamed to be rough with him. He’d get pushed and grabbed and a lot of these “accidents” were happening.
I put in a few calls to CPS and they started to offer resources. It pissed off my ex but I was worried for my son. The verbal incidents weren’t on CPSs radar really but the physical stuff they also documented and some of my ex’s family had witnessed things and a few even sent me run downs about what happened.
The incident that brought us to me getting full custody was my ex and his wife leaving the three kids home alone for hours together and the stepkids dragged my son out of the house and locked him in the garage on his own where all the dangerous tools were held.
My ex tried to fight for his right to retain custody but CPS and the judge agreed it was not safe for our son. The reason he only gets supervised visits is his stepkids are not allowed around my son.
My ex’s parents are celebrating their wedding anniversary next month and they want my son there. But my ex and his family are invited and will be attending. I told them I could let them do something with him another time but if the stepkids are there my son won’t be.
They, along with my ex’s oldest brother, feel like I’m being unfair and too strict and not trusting them to keep my son safe. But he wasn’t in the past. I know that for a fact.
AITA?
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a difficult position, prioritizing her son’s safety based on documented past abuse, which conflicts directly with the expectations of her ex-partner’s family, who feel she is being overly strict and untrusting.
The central debate is whether the OP is justified in refusing visitation or attendance at family events where the known sources of past harm, the stepchildren, will be present, or if she should trust the extended family to manage the situation and allow her son to maintain those family ties.
Here’s how people reacted:
My advice about the situation would be trying to communicate with your son about what he wants to do. I don’t have children, but I do have nieces and nephews around his age. Every child is different, but at this age I think he should be able to communicate his wants. I think you should ask him if he wants to attend, informing him that the step-siblings will be there. Make sure to not mention that “his grandparents want him here” so he does not feel the pressure to please his grandparents in order to ignore his wants and needs. Make sure he knows that it’s his choice to make and that you support him, no matter what.
Maybe, if he decides that he wants to go, try your best to make sure he has a way out if things get out of hand. Maybe you can arrange something so if he would like to leave at any point he can let you or a trusted adult know and leave. If he already has his own phone, he could use maybe use that discreetly and you could come to the rescue.
In general, depending on the details of the situation, it sounds like there are many possible solutions. If he doesn’t want to go, you definitely should let the grandparents know about your situation and your worries, so they don’t take it personally.
It’s a sensitive issue and a hard situation on the whole. I wish you OP the best of luck!
Your priorities are clear and right. Do not let white noise doubt your position. Inform any flying monkeys that it is abhorrent that they would risk your child being abused no matter how small the risk or how many people would be there. The courts have spoken and that needs to be respected no ifs ands or buts.
Stay strong and keep your head up.
But I would scorch the earth if someone abused my child.
I would have filed charges against the children. I don’t care if they are minors. Charges should have been filed.
I’m glad your son is out of the situation.
In your situation, this is what I would do…
“It pathetic that you want my son around people who physically and mentally abused him. It is messed up that your son/brother stayed married and allowed my son to be abused. You don’t deserve to be his uncle or grandparents since you all don’t give two shits about my son.”
Then cut contact for them with son unless it’s is supervised.
If your former in laws cared about your sons well being (both physical and emotional) they wouldn’t invite the step kids so their grandson could attend safely
UpdateMe!
They would rather risk your son’s well being over drawing boundaries with the second wife.
Also if the step children have so much problem accepting the new dynamics they would probably be happier with their bio paternal family.
If they are aware then ask them why they think it’s a good idea to put your son in danger and break the terms of the court order
Tell them your son will go if they uninvite the step children.
The terms of the supervised visits should also be followed if his father is going to be there
Stand up for your son and his safety. You’ve been more than fair to offer that he spend time with his grandparents on his own.. I doubt with the history you’ve given that I could be so generous.
My question is, What took you so long? You documented the bruises, but didn’t prevent them until you had enough ammo to get full custody. I cringed reading that your 7 year old boy was dealing with this abuse, while you were “making note” of his bruises
Tell them that court mandated the separation and if theor grandson means anything to the family, then step-brats should not be in attendance, and they’d be breaking the law if they are.
Why is everyone so quick to put your child in harms way? These people all only think about what they want and don’t bother considering the harm that happens to your child. I wouldn’t let them near him again until they prove otherwise
You keep your yours safe, and don’t budge an inch. Good parents don’t hand children back to abusers.
NTA – they’ve proven already that they can’t keep your son safe.
to your house. Don’t let them take him anywhere.
The only way I’d like my kid go was if I was the one that brought him.