In a world where love and respect should weave the fabric of connection, the husband’s family disregards the quiet wishes that protect privacy and trust. What should be a celebration of new life becomes a battleground for respect, as the wife struggles to reconcile her values with the relentless push of familial expectations.
I (27F) recently married my husband (27M) back in May of this year. My husband and I recently found out I was pregnant and are very excited to first time parents. However, there’s an issue with his family.
For context, my husband’s family is very large and close knit. Because of this there are boundary issues.
My husband’s parents had two kids, my SIL (29F) and my husband the youngest. Whereas I am one of three sisters and me being the middle child. Both my older and younger sister each have children of their own and I have learned boundaries when it comes to posting their children on social media (I usually post their kids hands or backs of their heads) because I respect my sisters and their wishes.
My husband’s family disregards this notion and will post whatever.
Recently, a friend of ours is due to give birth and my MIL stated she couldn’t wait to meet the baby before they leave on a New Year’s trip that was planned a year ago. Now I know I’m wrong here when I asked why she would think said friend would allow visitors since it’s holiday season and people tend to get sick.
She gave me a look but didn’t respond.
Now a week ago I found out I was pregnant and my husband, bless him, was so excited he told his parents and sister. Soon I got flooded with congratulations texts from his extended family which infuriated me since I don’t know how far along I am.
I told my husband I’m very early and not out of the woods yet of possibly having a miscarriage. My husband got defensive at first but when I told him I didn’t even get to tell my parents or sisters and the hurt in my voice he quickly apologized.
Tonight we had dinner at his parent’s place to celebrate the news but also go over expectations for future news that we want privacy and to set boundaries. Once dinner was in full swing his mom had started asking us about our birth plans and when she thinks I’ll be due so she can ask for time off.
She asked what hospital we decided and she couldn’t wait to be in the room. She then mentioned to have a room ready in our house so she can assist us with the baby. I looked at my husband and back at her because she kept rambling on and not allowing me to speak up.
Finally I cut her off and told her it’s just me and my husband that’ll be in the room only. Once we get home we want a week to ourselves to enjoy baby. For her staying with us I thanked her for kindness but she won’t be living with us.
She looked offended and said her son would want her to be there. I looked at my husband and he told his mom that he agrees it should only be us in the room and no one else.
My FIL, bless him, tried to defuse the heated discussion by stating to his wife that it’s okay and times are different. She somewhat simmered down and asked once I find out the gender if I can allow her to do a gender reveal.
I told her we don’t want to know the gender it’ll be a surprise. She said, “that’s okay bring me the ultrasound photos and I’ll know.”
I so badly wanted to respond back to her but honestly I was so emotionally drained. I stayed quiet the rest of the night and have been a tad distant to my husband. Yesterday, I got a text from my husband’s relative stating I was an AH for telling MIL she can’t be in the room and am robbing her from that experience.
Reddit, am I the AH for telling my MIL no?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is navigating the intense emotional terrain of a new pregnancy while facing significant boundary violations from her husband’s family, particularly her mother-in-law (MIL). The central conflict lies between the OP’s fundamental need for privacy and control over her personal medical information and immediate post-birth experience, and the in-laws’ expectation of immediate, deep involvement based on tradition or assumed familial closeness.
Was the OP justified in firmly asserting her boundaries regarding the delivery room and post-birth living arrangements, or did her direct communication unnecessarily disregard the MIL’s desire to be involved in major family milestones? The debate centers on where the rights of the new parents end and the expectations of the extended family begin.
Here’s how people reacted:
Explain that you two are a team. His mother was not the one he made vows to. You and he are going to be putting *his entire damily* on an “information diet.” *anything* he wants to tell anyone in his family *has to be agreed upon* by both of you! (Idk the level of close conversation he has with his dad, but maybe insist on him *not sharing* with FIL anything you don’t want MIL to know)
I don’t care how *close* the family is!! There are some things that need to be private! Others have pointed out that birth is **not** a spectator sport.
Good luck, OP
You’re not robbing her of any experience as she has given twice!
I don’t understand this entitlement of some folks seeming to think it’s acceptable to tell someone that they will be in the delivery suite while they’re giving birth. The person who is giving birth has the right to have who ever they want and to exclude whoever they want including the father!
I’d start being firmer with your boundaries with MIL and anyone else who oversteps. Your husband needs to start having your bad and initiating conversations with his family about expectations going forward.
Praise your husband for sticking up for you against his very difficult mother. You are not the asshole. This is your baby and your life. You and your husband need to do what is best for you and not bend to this demanding woman who seems to want to make your delivery about her self.
NTA. I’d just laugh and ignore.
Have your hubby tell his family to keep their noses out of your (combined) business. And to tell his mom to keep her mouth shut.
You can’t rob his mom of something that was never hers to begin with.
Be sure that his mom knows your family policy regarding pics of the baby and social media, and the consequences of violating said policies.
NTA
Literally “Please politely fuck off”.
Set that boundary right now with his side of the family. Those that carry water for the overbearing Mil get told off and blocked.
Hospital ob floors are locked down now. If they aren’t on the visitor list, they don’t get buzzed in. If they persist, security will escort them off the premises.
Oh hell no. Deliveries are the most stressful, primal, ‘at my worst possible moment’ intensely intimate events.
Privacy is paramount and anyone who doesn’t get that is deluded, entitled and ghoulish. They can just fuck off. I would never EVER try to insert myself into those moments. As a granny, it was a no brainer to be told no parents would be invited to them. And I didn’t ask, of course!
The birth of this child is about you, the person who is giving birth. It is not an event for others to experience. It may be time for MIL to be on an information diet.
Blessings to you in your pregnancy.
NTA
But in all seriousness, you are the patient what you say goes.
Keep those boundaries firm. And be clear with your husband what YOUR expectations are. Don’t expect him to know or intuit your feelings. Be clear. You’re on the same team.
Kudos to you and your spouse for having a unified front and setting boundaries. Keep it up. It will make your home so much more peaceful.
It’s not her business.
NTA. Absolutely NTA.
It’s absolutely ridiculous that this should even be a question. 🤦🏼♀️
If possible, maybe you want to move to another city?
She can be in the room for that