OP attempted to advise Nina, suggesting she should wear a wig if she felt uncomfortable, mentioning her own past experiences trying to impress boys. This advice led to an intense, negative reaction from her son, who became extremely angry. He accused OP of being an overhearing white woman who had no right to advise a Black girl on her appearance, calling her a ‘Karen.’ The OP is now left shocked and questioning if her intentions were wrong.
I’m (37f) a white woman, out of my depth on this topic, and too scared to ask anyone who is African American face-to-face. My son’s (14m) first girlfriend is an African American girl (13f), who we’ll call Nina.
Usually, when I see her, she’s a bubbly social butterfly. She smiles a lot and is very talkative.
Recently, I noticed Nina seeming less confident the times I see her. Her change in demeanor was the most noticeable change but I also noticed the recent lack of wig, makeup, and jewelry.
I didn’t even realize the two things were connected.
One day, I was to drive them to a party. My son was upstairs and Nina was downstairs. She looked like she was dreading going to this party, and I asked her what’s wrong. She said she doesn’t feel pretty.
I asked her why and she said she’s still getting used to showing her natural hair. I asked her if she feels uncomfortable showing her hair, why is she doing it. She said my son thinks she looks cooler this way.
I told her I used to do things just to impress boys when I was her age. I told her she can wear a wig even if my son doesn’t want her to.
Days later, I’ve never seen my son more angry with me than that day. He said I’m a white woman and I shouldn’t be advising a black girl how to look. He said called me an overhearing mom and a Karen.
I was too shocked to speak as I never seen him so angry. Am I the asshole ?
Conclusion
The central conflict for the OP lies between her genuine desire to support a young girl feeling insecure and crossing a significant boundary related to race and cultural presentation. While the OP acted from a place of perceived concern regarding self-esteem and external pressure from a boyfriend, her advice was perceived by her son as an unsolicited, racially insensitive intrusion into how a young Black woman should present herself.
The question remains whether the OP’s intentions to offer support about insecurity justify the nature of the advice given, especially considering her admitted lack of knowledge on the topic. Readers must consider: Was the OP’s attempt to empower Nina by suggesting she wear a wig a helpful act of allyship regarding self-confidence, or was it an inappropriate overstep based on racial ignorance and cultural assumptions?
Here’s how people reacted:
You, little boy, do not get a say about anyone else’s body, period.
He doesn’t get a say, a vote, or even a minor opinion other than “I like it, or it’s not for me, and I will take myself out if it’s a dealbreaker.”
Next time you see his girlfriend, if there is one, I would ask her if it would be okay to have a conversation with her mom and just let her know that you support her wearing her hair however she likes it, and it’s come to your attention that your son has expressed a preference for natural hair, but frankly, you think she should do whatever she wants and he can either accept it or he can go kick rocks, and you’re trying to nip this “policing of her body” stuff in the bud, and if she hears anything else about it, please call me so I can talk to my child about it.
You’re actually being the OPPOSITE of being a Karen, because you’re checking your son’s misogyny.
If his girlfriend wants to wear her hair natural and go lighter on makeup and jewelry, she’s free to do that, but if she really likes a bold look and to wear jewelry and she wants to do something else with her hair (wigs, colors, etc) then she should do what SHE wants to do. Period.
All you did was tell a beautiful young lady to do what she wants and not to care what other people think. You didn’t give an opinion, you didn’t tell her X was better than Y, you told a girl to be herself. I don’t know many women, young or old, no matter the ethnicity, that doesn’t do something with their hair, makeup, jewellery and clothes to make themselves feel pretty. I know white women who wear wigs, because they like the versatility and can go from colour to colour, length and style depending on their mood.
Your son is stupid. He’s doing exactly what he’s accusing you of. Telling a black woman what she can and can’t do, and dictating her appearance. I’d be telling her to dump my son and find someone who actually respects her and her choices if it was me. She’s only a child, but it’s never too early to learn the lesson about respect.
I’d check his browsing history to see what kind of BS he’s been consuming. This sounds like red pill/AndrewTate/manosphere talk. Is the dad in the picture? This boy needs a sharp education in how to treat women. Whatever he’s picked up from TikTok and the internet is doing him immense harm. The fact he dares talk to his mother like that is an indication something has gone horribly wrong.
You were not advising her on her Blackness.You were advising her on autonomy. You were telling her that she had the right to do what she wanted and not what some man wants her to do even if he’s your son. This is a position of love and has nothing to do with personal is the political
Tell her she looks beautiful no matter what she wears but that she will FEEL beautiful when she wears what she wants regardless of what a man wants her to do. And that the man who really cares for her will want that too.
Many Black women choose to wear wigs.
Tina Turner
Lisa Bonet
Beyonce
Many Black women choose natural hair
Traci Ross
Erykah Badu
I certainly could go into the whole narrative about Black hair but that’s not what this is about.
However about your son
You need to have a sit down with your son and tell him exactly what you’re telling his girlfriend. But if he really wants her to be comfortable then he has to want what she wants. That name calling is out but Karen is known as somebody who tells another person of color what they should be doing and so if he’s concerned about that name he needs to look in the mirror
That his telling her what he prefers will be best for her is exactly what is oppressive.
NTA, but you need to smarten this little psiher of yours up right now because he should not be allowed to talk to ANY woman the way he talked to you, and he does not get to tell ANY Black girl she looks prettier if she does X and Y with her makeup, clothes or hair. She’s thirteen goddamn years old, she’s still growing and learning and she will do that just fine with the guidance of *her own community*, thank you very much. This little boy needs to stay in his damn lane in more ways than one.
You son told her he thinks she looks better without makeup and with her natural hair, or told thats what he wants her to do?
I think if it was just your son telling her what he thinks and she made the changes on her own accord, I dont think he is an Andrew Tate mini. He is probably trying to make her feel better about natural sense and too young and obtuse to see its having the opposite effect.
Even though you knew what was up, he didn’t. He saw it as his white mom telling his black girlfriend that she looks better white passing. Not what happened, but based on his anger I think it came there.
Everyone else he’s a misogynistic incel while I think he’s on the complete opposite side, just doesn’t realize he’s not actually coming from a good place.
HOWEVER, it would have been a LOT better if you had complimented her hair first, before giving her the very sage advice you gave.
There is a very strong feeling from black women that white people think their natural hair is unattractive. This is probably why your son thought he was doing something positive for her by encouraging her to ditch the wig.
I’m glad you encouraged her to be herself and not to change to make a man happy. There’s a lot of subtleties to issues people from other races have that can be hard for white people to see, and that’s the only issue I had with your reaction.
Time to sit your son down and have a little chat. He’s not an authority on anything just because he currently has a Black girlfriend. He needs to stop using the relationship to claim authority he doesn’t have.
There’s a huge difference between encouraging someone to be content with their appearance and making someone miserable and not want to go out because they feel forced to look a certain way. And then there’s the way he spoke to you. He sounds like a misogynist ah.
YTA because YOUR SON is dictating how his girlfriend appears. YOUR SON has crossed the FIRST threshold for an abuser: controlling what his significant other wears.
Your job is not to give advice to that young girl. Your job is to guide your son. Correct the problem. And the problem is your child.
You might want to tell your son that as a white adolescent male, he has even less place to be telling a young woman of colour about her appearance and that he’s a hypocrite for criticising you.
I find it ironic be says as a white woman you can’t say that, but as a white male he feels entitled to his male privilege to do so. My kid would be sitting down for a serious talk a respect and his complete lack there of.
How did he come to think this way? I’d find out asap and put the kibosh on it.
Make that make sense. No youre not TA but your son needs a good ass-kicking to bring him down from his high horse!
He’s already taking it out on girls his own age and talking to you like that?
Get him help. NOW
I’d advise asking him why he got so angry at you reassuring the girl that she has control over her own body and appearance. You might not like the answer,
Neither should he.
NTA
Your son is on his way to not being a good man btw. Please get him in therapy. Good luck.
Your bigger problem is that your son is a controlling dick.
Did you raise an asshole on purpose?
YTA for raising that boy
NTA
It was good advice. Don’t fret.