> She tried to convince me to sign my daughter up some kind of pre teen beauty pageant.

You mean “child abuse competitions?” Yeah, I wouldn’t be signing up for one of those, either.

> She tried to say we should ask her and that I shouldn’t make this kind of choice on my own and implied that with how busy I must be at work it was normal girly things would slip by me and it’s ok.

Gross.

> At this point I told her to get out of my house and to mind her own business and to not dare question how I parent my daughter, bringing up I was polite enough not to say how disgusting I think it is she makes her daughters do those kind of pageants.

Look, it’s pretty clear that you and she were not going to be friends. Could you have been more tactful? Maybe. But whatever.

NTA

If you want to mend the bridge a bit, just “apologize” at some point. Not because you were wrong, but just to be on better terms. Say that you were stressed, that you’ve looked into it a bit more and didn’t know x and y positive things about pageants, and that you’ve talked to your daughter about it and she’s not interested, but thanks for bringing it up.

The depth of your “apology” should also be tempered with the understanding that if she thinks you’re friends again, her “helpful” suggestions may begin again. lol

ESH, but her more than you. Calling someone’s extracurricular activities “disgusting” when they harm nobody – and even if they are distasteful, they rarely cause harm; the people I know who participated in beauty pagents and developed eating disorders generally blame other parts of their lives for the bad stuff and feel that the pageants were essentially harmless. I mean, yes, there is statistical overlap, in that the kind of parent who instills eating disorders is frequently the kind of parent who likes pageants, but there are also a lot of parents who raise their kids well and also do pageants non-destructively. Like gymnastics and ballet – do it on a normal kid level and it’s beneficial; do it on a high-pressure heavily-competitive level, and you risk messing up your kid for life.

And because of that, she was an asshole for pushing like she did, and a far bigger asshole for disrespecting who your daughter is. Still, that doesn’t really absolve you completely.

Out of curiosity, where in the United States are you? Imma gonna semi-randomly guess Georgia.

ESH soft because it sounds like she was just trying to be a good neighbor and include your daughter in an activity her daughters enjoy, but was too pushy, and you were patient at first but your final response was hurtful. I think those pageants are gross. Especially for young children. But these girls aren’t that young. You could at least ask your daughter what she thinks. I’ve known some girls (slightly older) who won scholarship money from pageants even.

At this point, I think you and your daughter would benefit by having at least a cordial relationship with your neighbors. Perhaps you could write a note explaining what you told us here. Pageants aren’t common where you’re from and you felt she was making assumptions about your parenting. But you may have snapped. You’d like the girls to get along etc.

Going to go against the grain here and say you are the YTA.
Yes, the mother was very pushy but you’ve moved to another culture which might seem alien to you. She wasn’t rude to you, was trying to make a connection but you definitely were rude in response.

I suspect your attitude was driven by your distaste for the pageants. You got angry and there seems to be little to get angry about. You should have just politely declined and made an excuse so that she’d leave. Never a good idea to fall out with neighbours unnecessarily.

NTA.
The way you raise your daughter is nobody else’s business.
Although in some States (especially Southern) these pre-teen pageants are quite common (and I personally agree with you they lead to early sexualization of children – gross and typical of a certain sector of American culture and hypocrisy – just my 2c), your neighbor clearly overstepped her boundaries.
If I know the type, unfortunately I have to warn you to be ready for never-ending harassment and passive-aggressive behavior on her part from now on…

NTA.

> I know these shows are more common in America than the UK

They’re really not, but try telling that to the parents who’ve decided to let their whole families’ lives revolve around the things to the point they can’t hear and accept a simple “no thank you.” Maybe next time, it would be better not to get sucked into the reasons you’re not interested and end the visit if that doesn’t get the conversation shifted to a different track, but hopefully there won’t be a next time like this again.

NAH – this may not be popular but I am going to say it – Your neighbor sounds nosey and pushy but also well intentioned.

You are also completely right to put your foot down after the repeated pushy attempts to change your mind.

People are different and want/like different things for our kids. Definitely keep your boundaries on what you think is appropriate for your daughter with the “know-it-all” next door but maybe consider looking at the intentions of her comments too.

As a fellow Brit who has moved to the US – NTA. It really is a culture shock. Did you move to Southern states by any chance?

Your daughter sounds kick ass and acting like any girl should do. So places here are still somewhat backwards in cultural and societal norms that we’re used to – it’s good to set boundaries. I dare say you and your neighbor can still figure it out still – if you felt so compelled to.

Did you move to the southern states? Because this sounds like a very “southern suburbian mom” vibe from the lady you described (I’m from the south, so I’m quite familiar).

Either way, NTA. People like this will step all over you if you don’t set boundaries and expectations. They take advantage of people’s instinct to be kind and non-confrontational to be assholes.

You’re definitely NTA.

NTA She’s a pageant mom. She likes to spend her money on outfits, coaches, entry fees and a weekend at some random Radisson Hotel for a made up beauty contests and titles. It’s a culture all of its own. If she was trying to “recruit” you and your daughter there probably was a financial gain or advantage for her and her daughters, some sort of discount or finders fee. Pay her no mind.

NTA. She offered and you declined. She should have left it alone. She sounds like a pageant mom. Trust me. There are a at more American moms that hate the pageant thing than there are moms who like the pageant thing. People just get caught up. She was pressuring you to do it she should have offered and let it go. I was a tomboy too. Nothing wrong with jeans and t-shirts.

NTA. They aren’t the norm here, and usually pageant moms either have a bad rep, and are made fun of. While there can be benefits to doing pageants, like scholarships and stuff, generally they are just toxic. You didn’t trip over any cultural norms, she was being a pushy busybody.

NTA. Sounds like either she can’t handle girls veering from the traditional, uberfeminine path, or one or more of her daughters was asking why they had to do those pageants when other girls like your daughter don’t have to and why couldn’t they do Taekwondo like your daughter?

Opinions are like assholes, everyone got one and some are just shitty.

NTA. You know what’s best for your daughter. Don’t let a random project their own internalizd misogyny onto you, your family and your situation. She needs to stay in her lane.

NTA – your neighbor overstepped. She’s a busy body and you don’t need that in your life. Pageant Moms are the WORST. You are just unfortunate to have her as a neighbor. Find other Moms at the Dojang to talk to.

NTA whatsoever. If she wanted to convince you, she should have addressed your concerns and pointed out little-known benefits, not attacked your parenting.

I’m dying to know which state you’re in.

NTA you tried to be polite and she wouldn’t listen to you. You know your daughter better than she does