Kenny, worn from his mechanic’s grind, fails to see the invisible scars her labor leaves behind. His refusal to share the burden, masked as fatigue and pride, ignites a storm of resentment and loneliness. What should be teamwork feels like a contest of worth, threatening to unravel the promise they once held dear. In their struggle, the true cost of unbalanced love begins to surface—one that no amount of excuses can mend.
I (26F) am a part time housekeeper. I go to night school to finish my degree. I have a fiancé, Kenny (29M), who is a mechanic. The problem started between us almost recently. I have been asking Kenny to help me with the household chores more.
But every time he gives excuses that he is busy or tired all day after dealing with cars. I get his job is a physically demanding jobs but so is mine. I clean houses during the day and have to attend my classes in the evening.
I only have 1 year left and lately we are thinking about marriage. So, I am working extra hard for that.
Kenny doesn’t think my job is that hard. He always says I am just weak and lazy that I complain about cleaning houses. We have had multiple fights about it but every time we would resolve it.
This week, I asked him if he could clean the kitchen because I have work load and my exams are near. He refuses because he claims he works more than I do. And just because I am a housekeeper I should do it.
He then tried to justify his reply by telling me that if our car broke down he would fix it because he is a mechanic, so since I am a housekeeper I should do it.
I tried many ways to explain how physically demanding my job is. Many people think housekeeping and cleaners or organizers do nothing for society but the truth is different. We make a house livable.
And it takes times and sometimes hours to do so. It is physically and emotionally draining and not to mention how underappreciative some people can be. But no, the fight just escalated.
Lastly the thing that made me want to throw him out was when he said “I don’t see why you have a problem. My mom had 7 kids and still had a squeaky clean house. You on the other hand are making excuses.
It’s not like your job is hard. It’s just cleaning houses. If you can do it in other places why not here. Try working as a mechanic.” I told him I need space from him and he stormed out.
He and I haven’t talked. Did I go too far?
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) is facing significant conflict due to her fiancé’s refusal to share household responsibilities, viewing her demanding work schedule and studies as less valid than his. Her actions stem from a need for equitable partnership as they plan marriage, directly clashing with his dismissive attitude toward her physical labor and reliance on traditional gender role justifications.
Is the OP justified in demanding equal household contribution given their combined strenuous work schedules, or is the fiancé’s belief—that his physical labor inherently excuses him from domestic duties—a reasonable expectation within their relationship framework?
Here’s how people reacted:
OP, it’s not laziness or fatigue that motivates him to put you down. It’s his belief that women are weaker, and should have certain roles because they are weaker. He thinks he should come home and neither clean or raise the kids because he’s done a ‘hard man’s’ job all day. The gains in women’s equality and their widepread acceptance by society has completely gone over his head.
It’s easy to continually forgive this attitude because you love the rest of him. But unless he’s prepared to change his attitude, then you’re going to get angrier and angrier over time because you know the truth (that housework is hard) and you’ll burn out. You should reconsider marrying him unless he’s willing to change his opinion.
If you had broken bicycles at home every single day then his argument would make more sense. House chores are something that needs to be done all the time. It’s a humongous amount of invisible unappreciated work. And for some reason mostly women are expected to do it. I’m not a housekeeper but an IT specialist and I’m still doing more chores at home and getting into arguments over it
Your partner is lazy and doesn’t appreciate your work. Stand your ground.
Not far enough. This attitude is not going to change. When you start having kids, he’s still going to be telling you you are lazy and making excuses for anything you ask him for because he believes he works more than you. He thinks he’s worth more than you too. He has no respect for you.
Do not marry this man! Do not have kids with this man! He still has lessons to learn about respect and empathy, and it’s not your job to teach him.
NTA
He has made it abundantly clear he considers house work to be a woman’s sole responsibility.
It’s concerning that your fiance is a disrespectful turd who doesn’t do his share. If you have kids with him someday, count on doing all the work yourself.
This behavior will intensify if you get married. Guys like this don’t get better, they get worse.
Do you want a life like this forever, with a guy like this?
Do you want your CHILDREN to had a dad like this?
Absolutely leave his ass.