This strange habit, innocent yet destructive, fractures the harmony between them, testing their patience and love. Beneath the surface of everyday challenges lies a deeper emotional turmoil, where the simple act of soothing their child becomes a battleground for understanding and control.
So my husband and I have a 5 months old son. He’s our first and as new parents we struggle a lot but no complaining as we help each other all we can.
However I have been having this tiny, little issue with my husband lately. He constantly takes our son’s pacifiers and chews on them like a dog for no reason causing them to be ruined.
He does this everytime he spends time with our son. he’d end up taking his pacifier from his mouth and then putting it in his mouth then start chewing on it and ruining it with his teeth.
I always have to get a new one or multiple but soon get chewed on and ruined. I asked my husband what the deal was and he said he doesn’t know he can’t help it, can not control himself whenever he sees that pacifier he’d just grab it and chew on it.
I sternly told him to stop taking our son’s pacifiers and ruining them causing me to spend money on new ones. But he does it again.
Last night our son couldn’t sleep (because of the heat) and I had to wake up at 2am to him crying. Before I tried to get him to calm down I looked for his pacifier. I found it on the counter looking completely chewed out and ruined.
I woke my husband up immediately to ask if he just ruined the new pacifier I got for our son. He said he did. I asked if he was serious and he tried to make light of the situation after I told him now our son can not settle without his pacifier.
he said he’d get new one in the morning under condition I stop getting in his face about it.
I ended up blowing up and yelling at him because our son needed his pacifier to sleep and he just ruined it by chewing on it like he was a dog. He looked at me confused and said “it’s just a pacifier why make a big deal out of it”.
I had him get up to get our son to calm down and he threw a fit about how controlling I was and how unfair it was for me to yell at him in the middle of the night and calling me crazy for making such fuss over a pacifier.
I reminded him that I already told him it was weird and wrong of him to take and ruin his son’s stuff like that but he still said I was being too harsh on him for a small mistake.
I spoke to my sister about it this morning and she told me that he could be having stress issues explaining his behavior. I felt guilty since he said he couldn’t help it. But I feel he doesn’t care.
Hell he doesn’t even get replacements.
Maybe him dropping things constantly.
Conclusion
The original poster is clearly distressed by her husband’s repeated, seemingly inexplicable destruction of their infant son’s pacifiers. This behavior creates a tangible conflict between the mother’s need to provide comfort items for her child and the husband’s inability or unwillingness to control an action he admits he cannot help. Her frustration stems from the disrespect shown to her requests and the direct negative impact on their baby’s well-being and their finances.
Is the husband’s behavior an uncontrolled stress response requiring professional help, or is it a deliberate disregard for his partner’s boundaries and the needs of their child? The debate centers on whether this unusual action excuses the resulting disruption or if the pattern of ignoring clear requests makes it a significant relational problem.
Here’s how people reacted:
Chewing and movement are stress relievers for all animals. Think dogs chewing on carpet in a fit of anxiety, or how a long jog can relieve tension. Him chewing on your sons pacifiers is likely to release stress. The problem lies with him being an adult with access to many coping mechanisms, and your child is quite limited. It’s selfish of him to ruin them, especially if it means your son goes without. In my opinion, he should be responsible for providing and replacing these pacifiers (stop buying more out of your own pocket, if they’re going in his mouth the money should come out of his pocket). He should also feel responsible for his habit effecting his sons health, and your health. Assuming you’re the one who birthed the child 5 months ago, your body and brain are still recovering from the physical trauma of it all. If the kid is up at night fussing and can’t get back to sleep because— “Sorry, Junior! Daddy just couldn’t help himself from chewing on the pacifier, but Mommy will make it all better.” I would feel pretty miffed, too.
I would have woken him up and told him to go get another pacifier right then, or that he could deal with cranky baby until another one was procured. He created the mess, he gets to fix it. Then maybe he will stop pretending that it’s NBD.
Also, get your husband a necklace with a sturdy silicone object at the end, that he can gnaw on instead of the pacifiers. I believe you can Google Chewelry and get some ideas. We had to get one for our kiddo when he was younger and eating the top of his shirts. The necklace kept him from chewing on his shirts until he grew out of it. Maybe it will stop your husband from taking the baby’s stuff.
Repeat that five times out loud. Still feel guilty?
NTA, WTF did I just read. “He can’t help it” BS.
Edit: even if he spontaneously developed a “sensory issue” after the baby was born as some posters suggested, it’s no excuse to CONTINUE taking pacifiers from a literal baby to ruin. He could chew on pens, pencils and gums all he wants. Why in the world is it his wife’s responsibility to get him adult chewables or whatever??? Why doesn’t he acknowledge that what he’s doing is disruptive to his son and wife in turn. Sensory issues are not an excuse to be an ahole.
Well that’s just jaw-dropping, even on top of everything else.
You’re clearly NTA here, but I’m not sure what you do next – this isn’t behaviour that’s open to rational argument.
For the child, maybe get a stock of several pacifiers and stash them so you’ve got some in reserve. For the husband, a quick Google suggests that pacifiers are available in adult sizes thanks to a particular corner of the fetish community, so maybe get him one of his own.
Your husband might not be able to help himself but he is an adult and could easily have gone and got another one after destroying it or looked into some type of help/support to find out why he suddenly has a need to chew pacifiers.
Personally, my kid never had them but its a parenting choice and i dont envy your situation
Not because of what he was doing though.
It sounds like he has some sort of compulsion/issue so I’d go a bit easier on him. That’s not normal behaviour.
However, I know he might be embarrassed but I have a huge problem with people not taking accountability for their actions. The fact that he was making you feel like you didn’t have the right to be upset and calling you controlling is the issue I have with this.
Your husband is an ADULT. He is taking his sons soothers away and causing his infant distress. Worse is pacis are not cheap , spending 7$ a damn day on a pack will add up just because your husband won’t act like an adult and not ruin his infant sons paci.
If he needs to chew on something that bad why not get a bracelet, necklace, etc? They make tons of items for adults to chew on that won’t get ruined.
I understand the stress response but he’s an adult. Him having to get up is a consequence. Maybe you should talk to him about ordering his own thing to chew on.
Added by request. It’s been recommended by several posters that your husband should see a therapist. They may be a bigger issue here and some of his behavior is concerning.
Order your husband some chewelry – there are tons on Amazon and it’s made for older kids and adults. And buy a bulk pack of pacifiers and hide some.
He’s taking something out of his own child’s mouth for his own use. This is just not normal.
Next time you buy more pacifiers, get him his own. Separate colors from the ones for your son.
Then insist on therapy.
I think the biggest issue here is he can’t see, or seem to understand, that’s he’s taking from his own child and is acting as though his needs are the priority over a literal baby.