The OP was initially supportive of Lauren until the truth was revealed to their parents, leading to the breakup with Jace, who preferred Lauren. Despite Lauren’s pleas for forgiveness and a desire to remain close, the OP cut ties, finding relief when Lauren moved in with Jace’s family. When parental pressure to forgive Lauren and resume the sisterly relationship failed, the OP moved out at 18 and initiated a period of no contact with both Lauren and Jace, a boundary she has maintained for years despite family disagreement.
When I (22f) was 14 I started dating Jace who was 15 at the time. We were together for 3 years. We’d known each other for years and I always had the biggest crush on him. My sister Lauren (23f now) knew.
She was one of my best friends and I thought we’d told each other everything. But Lauren and Jace were cheating behind my back and Lauren got pregnant. I didn’t know at first and was the first person she told and I supported her.
It was only after she told our parents and they pushed her to say who the father was that she confessed. I broke up with Jace who didn’t care. He was done with me and wanted Lauren anyway.
While Lauren kept begging me to forgive her for hurting me and begging me to still be close to her. I refused and when Lauren moved in with Jace and his family it was a relief.
My parents attempted to force forgiveness on me. They took me to a church therapist and they had a number of talks with me about Lauren being my sister for life and Jace being just a high school boyfriend.
All it did was push me away from my parents and when I turned 18 I moved in with my grandma. I had very low contact with my parents and no contact with Lauren and Jace. They got married just before the baby was born and I ignored the invite.
I ignored when they had their first and then second kid. Lauren made several attempts to speak to me and apologize more but I ignored them and I told extended family that I wasn’t going to change my mind.
Some were quick to say I was a silly child and I’d regret throwing my sister away. Others said I was so young and we both were and hurting people’s feelings when you’re young happens and why couldn’t I hate Jace and forgive Lauren.
My grandma always said nobody was making it better by pushing.
Grandma stood by me through all of this. When Lauren asked her to help pull off a surprise reunion so she could speak to me grandma turned her down. She told Lauren she wasn’t coming to the house as long as I lived here.
And she told her she would not help her trick me or anything crazy like that.
Some of the wider family (my parents included) are mad at grandma but she said if Lauren can have her “mistakes” forgiven by everyone else and be allowed to feel and do what she wants then I should be given the same grace.
But it was argued always that the difference was I was ending a relationship for good while Lauren made “a single mistake”.
Last month Jace died suddenly. I don’t know what happened exactly but grandma got the call about it. Then more calls came and asked me to finally move on and speak to Lauren and support her as a sister should.
I didn’t. I didn’t go to the funeral and neither did grandma actually. She said even if she had wanted to she knew the time would be spent trying to browbeat her into forcing me to reconcile with Lauren and a funeral is not the place for that so she was removing herself from that.
Grandma has been getting shit from so many people in the family who think I should have let go of the no contact now that Jace is dead. Since I never answer to any family members who think I need to forgive Lauren, they go through her.
I hate that she deals with it. But she doesn’t block them because she wants to see just how far they’ll go with her. She said they’re helping her trim her will. Which I find funny and I love grandma’s humor.
But I feel awful that she’s getting the abuse the rest of the family can’t give me. It made me want to ask if I’m TA for keeping the no contact going with Lauren and if people outside my family think I’m a monster.
I have the support of friends and also some family. It’s just… I know we were really young when all this happened. I know once Jace cheated with Lauren he would have done it with anyone.
So I know it’s not like we’d have lasted like I imagined. But Lauren doing it to me just makes it worse because I loved and trusted and was there for her. So she betrayed me and even leaned on me when their cheating led to a pregnancy.
Ever since I found out I wished she wasn’t my sister. I could never see even a civil relationship for us in the future. But I’m aware that it might make people think I’m TA and not her especially now that Jace has died.
So AITA?
Conclusion
The central conflict for the OP is the deep betrayal felt from her sister, which led her to enforce strict, long-term no contact, a decision that has been consistently supported by her grandmother but heavily criticized by other family members. Now, with the unexpected death of Jace, the OP feels significant guilt over maintaining this distance, worrying that her actions are causing emotional strain on Lauren, even though she still views the initial betrayal as unforgivable.
The question is whether the OP is wrong (the ‘Asshole’) for continuing her no contact boundary with Lauren following Jace’s death, or if the severity of the original betrayal justifies prioritizing her own healing over familial reconciliation at this time? Readers must weigh the impact of a formative, severe betrayal against the social expectation to forgive and support a sibling after a tragedy.
Here’s how people reacted:
You can – and probably should, for your mental health – forgive Lauren. But that doesn’t mean to ever forget. Forgiveness just means to stop letting her, and the situation, take up real estate in your head. You won’t think about her. You won’t ruminate over it. It’s over, done, next chapter please.
BUT, Lauren has proven you can not trust her. It’s bad enough she chose to screw around with a guy who was taken/had a girlfriend. But that girlfriend was her own sister. So she can claim she loves you all she wants, but she didn’t love you enough to stay away from *your* boyfriend. She didn’t love you enough to tell you he was pursuing her. She didn’t love you so much that it stopped her from having s@x with him. And she didn’t love you enough to not get pregnant and have his baby.
Let’s face it – she doesn’t love you. She wants you to “forgive” her so that it makes her feel better for deceiving you. She wants it because there are probably some family and friends who agree with you – she is an awful person and doesn’t deserve you. You coming back into her life would show them that if you, the person she wronged, can forgive her, they should too. She may be looking for your help with her kids – financially as well as babysitting as well.
And let’s face it, your parents are just as awful as she is. No decent parent would embrace what she did, and expect you, the person who was betrayed, to just forgive and move on. Can you tell me who their Golden Child is without telling me who their Golden Child is? Obviously it ain’t you!
So what do you do?
Tell your family’s flying monkeys(FM’s), “Oh, are you still going on about *that?* I forgave her long ago! She doesn’t deserve for me to even think about her, let alobe consider her my sister any longer!”
And when the FM’s try to get you together with her & your parents, “Nah. I am good. I forgave that sorry lot a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean I will ever forget what they did and said. They have proven who they care about and it isn’t me. So, I have moved on and am making a new family that cares about *me*. And at the moment, you are on shaky ground as to whether or not you will be in that group!”
And should you ever get to the place where you ever spend time with these people again, I would *never* introduce any of them to a partner or spouse. I would *never* tell them where I live, what I do for a living, where I work, introduce them to my children or anything like that.
Your feelings don’t matter to them or their FM’s. It’s all about appearances. You not wanting to be around them damages their vision of the perfect little family they have. Don’t be bullied into participating. You build your life without them.
It wasn’t a single mistake it was months of betraying you. If it was a mistake she would have left him which she didn’t as they did it on purpose they just thought they shouldn’t have consequences. His death means nothing she was your sister and willingly betrayed you and threw away your relationship. Why would you endanger yourself to her now he’s gone she’s still the same person and she wronged you more than him as your family. She still betrayed you whether he is dead or not and she doesn’t get to demand you forgive or let her in your life.
Talk to your gran and tell her it pains you that she’s getting abused for protecting you. Tell her you know she doesn’t want to block them but watching them harass her is hard and you feel so guilty for it. Ask her if she will at least support you going to a lawyer and get them to send a cease and desist letter to each person that’s been harassing her. Cease and desist letters basically threaten taking legal action for harassment if these people contact you about this again once they’ve had this letter. It usually stops it all without ever needed to go further than the letter as it shows you mean it by the fact you’ve actively gone to a lawyer for this and won’t back down. Usually when other realise they might face legal or police actions for something that wasn’t even about them they usually stop as it’s not worth it to them. Where as your sister and parents it will be made clear it will never happen and you won’t tolerate this any more. Talk to a lawyer and get his advice as it’s not just about you but your gran. Then talk to your gran as it’s your right to do this as it is about you. That it would also be protecting her to but to put an end to this once and for all.
Yes, if Jace cheater with your sister he would cheat with anyone. But that same logic if your sister would cheat with your boyfriend she would cheat with all your boyfriends. And it wasn’t one mistake. It was 2 kids and a marriage. She never felt bad because the only consequence she had was you not talking to her, which i am sure was played to make her the victim
Everyone else embraced her “mistake”. I am sure they all supported the wedding.
Your sister showed she is not your sister. The second she thought about cheating she showed she doesn’t give a damn about you. And neither do your parents.
You were kids. And your teenage boyfriend cheating is whatever. But your sister betraying you! That is forever. Your parents betraying you is forever.
Ask your parents “if I forgive her and have a relationship and she sleeps with my partner or betrays me again, will you support me going no contact again? Can I get that in writing and motorized. Because the whole family has proven that they will not protect me. I want some garuntees” maybe put some consequences. If she does the Everyone puts your name alone on the deed to their houses or something. If they refuse, they “so you admit that she will betray me again and you admit you will support her in her future betrayal? Thank you for letting me know”
I am a big fan of putting your money where your mouth is. Especially with the golden children. If they are as perfect/sorry/reformed, prove it! And giving them another opportunity to abuse you is not proving it.
Your grandma is a star! I’m so glad that she’s there for you, standing firm against the flying monkeys. I hope you appreciate how special that is.
As for ‘forgiving’ your sister: forgiveness cannot be forced. If you don’t actually forgive her of your own free will, it’s wrong for your family to try to pressure you into \*pretending\* that you forgive her – that wouldn’t be real forgiveness anyway. Perhaps in the very distant future you will be able to forgive her sincerely. But that time is not now, and nobody can bring it closer by telling you you’re wrong for your sincere (and frankly, entirely justified!) feelings.
What they’re really saying is that they don’t care about *your* feelings, and they just want to be able to pretend none of this happened, because it’s inconvenient for *them*.
Well, too bad. It did happen, and it was Lauren who did it.
Jace’s death doesn’t change that, and you have no obligation to pretend it does.
You might forgive her being an untrustworthy backstabing selfish asshole, but that doesn’t mean you have to forget how her moral compas stands.
To everyone reaching out I personally would reply the following: “Sounds like you apparently would be ok that *enter name spouse* would have an affair with *name brother/sister*. Good for you I guess but we don’t share the same moral compas so stop bothering me with accepting your incestuous POV”.
It’s not about it being a high-school boyfriend. It’s the *betrayal* of what Lauren did. Yes Jace sucked too for cheating on you, but she is your sister who you loved and cared for. Your trust in her was and is completely broken, and an apology isn’t going to fix that or undo all the hurt caused by their actions.
Lauren sounds like she has lots of help and support from the people trying to get you to reconcile. You being there is (imo) just another set of hands/ears.
NTA
Sounds like your grandma has a spine of steel. You know, at her age one has a different perspective on this stuff. I could be a grandma and what would have made me feel bad at 22 I wouldn’t give AF about now.
In fact, I’d be having fun with these people.
“You’ve called me 10 times this month about the Widow Trash. Got anything new to say? It’s getting boring.”
Or, if Grandma does decided to call a lawyer, “Wow. This will really help my cease and desist/harassment case against you. Thanks!”
NTA of course.
Idk why people are acting like Lauren deserves forgiveness simply because she’s your sister. Do they not realize that a betrayal from your own sister cuts deeper than any boyfriend could ever dare? She didn’t give you a second of thought when she intentionally slept with her sisters boyfriend, never cared how that would impact you. High school boyfriend or not, your sister betrayed your trust and your bond as siblings.
Unfortunately for Lauren this is the bed she made. She maybe should have considered the impact of her actions.
Just because Jace is dead doesn’t mean the hurt is gone. It also sounds like Lauren can’t take no for an answer. I also feel like she’s not sorry. She married Jace and had more kids with him, that doesn’t sound like regret to me. It’s also really not cool that the rest of your family, besides your grandma, is on Lauren’s side. Even if this was just a dumb high school romance, it doesn’t change the fact that Lauren lied to you and then used you for emotional support.
Protect your peace OP, don’t give in.
She slept with your boyfriend. I don’t care what age you are at, that’s not something you do. At age 15 you know better. Doesn’t matter if the boy is dead now.
Also, can your Grandmother also be my Grandmother? “But she doesn’t block them because she wants to see just how far they’ll go with her. She said they’re helping her trim her will.” What a Badass thing to say!
She slept with your boyfriend, and now she’s lost you for life.
It doesn’t matter if he is here or not. Betrayal is betrayal.
She’s a horrible person, and blood does not give you a free pass at being a shitty human
Keep up the no contact
those are choices, and sometimes those choices come with consequences
don’t like the consequences? tough shit
your sister made her bed and she can stay in it
Each and every time she met up with Jace behind OP’s valley, Lauren made a choice. Again, and again.
She reaps what she sowed.
And that doesn’t change whether he’s alive or not.
Seriously, the comment about “trimming her will”, made me lol.