Meanwhile, his ex-wife’s expectations hang heavy in the air, a silent decree that he must bear half the burden despite earning more and having already made sacrifices. The father grapples with the injustice of it all, torn between standing firm and being labeled the villain, as the future of his children—and his own peace of mind—hangs in the balance.
Both my kids are in college.
Through my teaching job, my kids can attend my private college ($55k plus tuition) for free, or one of our exchange colleges for close to free.
My kids don’t like any of the colleges in the list, including mine.
My ex wife is proposing that it is fair to pay the amount of our state college’s tuition plus room and board (though they could live at home if they attended there). The cost is $30k per kid, which means $30k each for my ex and I.
$30k is over a third of my annual salary.
My ex has already told the kids that this is a done deal. I will pay, she said, “whatever you decide to pay” and she will “somehow take care of the rest.” So clearly the expectation is (if I’m not a total dick) that I will split it half and half.
She makes less than I do.
I don’t want to pay any of it. I stuck with this job in part for the benefits. The tuition benefit, specifically.
I also don’t want to say “okay I’ll pay $5k per kid per year because they could be going for free and they chose not to,” because then I’m the asshole.
Conclusion
The original poster is in a difficult financial and familial conflict. He feels obligated to support his children’s choice of schooling, despite having provided a significant, cost-free alternative through his employment benefit. His ex-wife has set a high financial expectation ($30,000 per child), which represents a substantial portion of his salary, leading him to feel taken advantage of, even while fearing being perceived as a “stingy jerk” if he refuses.
Is the poster obligated to financially contribute significantly to his children’s chosen, expensive college education when free options were available through his employment? Or is setting a firm boundary based on the value of the benefit he secured, even if it means disappointing his children and ex-wife, the more appropriate action?
Here’s how people reacted:
Thankfully she had good sized scholarships but they didn’t pay for everything, especially the year she studied abroad in Italy. But she worked really hard and we tried to help with smaller things whenever we could (we had 3 other children as well).
I think children appreciate their educations more if they help pay for them. I know this is true of my daughter. She is very proud of her accomplishments (graduated summa cum laude from both universities with the highest average in her degree programs).
I suggest figuring out what you can afford. Then discuss what the other parent can afford. Then go from there. Encourage your children to look into scholarships, grants, and work study programs. Also encourage them to look at colleges that offer their area of study and compare their costs. In my daughter’s case, her area of study was only taught at a few universities so she was limited. If your children are looking into degree programs that are more common, they can compare the success rates of the programs and the costs for the colleges they are interested in.
Can they get into a spot like MIT? Then it’s mostly free anyway. If not, no shade, neither can most people. They want the sciences? Ok – most smaller colleges in programs like the one you have mentioned have an honors or niche division in the sciences so that they can compete with the more expensive colleges. Your kids need to more thoroughly investigate your school and the partner schools for that kind of program.
Your ex sucks for being completely unreasonable and irresponsible. You need to talk your kids through the reality of this situation. They are sooooooo very short sighted if they do not take advantage of free tuition for their undergrad. They could then afford a masters!!
Just sit them down. Their visions are unrealistic. You are not squashing any dreams. You are teaching them to make solid and responsible financial decisions and to think about their future. And that is an incredible lesson.
Your kids need to grow up and get a job and work thru college. Also, if you pay 1/3 if your income then it doesn’t leave much for your future either.
I would have never expected my parents to pay for MY CHOICE to further my education. College isnt the only route for a good future. Trade schools, and there are some jobs that have on site training. Or even online college or night school. The options are there.
I find it unreasonable for your kids and your ex to demand you pay if the kids are not making their own efforts.
I worked all thru my years at college and survived and can say that I have no college debt. I know the college I went to was not as expensive as say ivy league etc but I still made it work and my parents didnt pay a cent. They worked hard their whole lives for me. Why would I put that burden on them?
* Did it ever occur to you to have a conversation with your kids before they were choosing a college?
* Did it ever occur to you to create a 529 plan and save for college expenses?
* Did they look at colleges with merit aid?
* Do you remember being a teenager? How would you have felt when you were 18, about your parents telling you where you had to go to college?
You could have sat your kids down years ago and walked them through the financial implications of choosing different types of schools and told them how much you could help and what their responsibility would be for different options. To just spring your decision on them now (since you clearly haven’t made it yet) is kind of on you. I’m going with a soft YTA.
But it may be too late for that. Figure out an amount you can live with, and tell them they have to get the rest in loans if they don’t want to go to the school that you’ve arranged to be free. They could always go to one of your free network schools, and then switch after 2 years, so all this resistance, given the high cost, is a bit crazy.
Is there a compromise you can find? Like a 2 yr community followed by their dreams college. Do you even know what colleges they have been accepted to? Would they be accepted to a college on your works list?
Are you helping your children look into scholarships and grants?
How much ARE you willing to pay out of pocket?
You chose your job in part so your kids could attend tuition free, but did you ever ask your kids if they wanted to go there?
But your ex also can’t force you to spend money that way.
But then you sound as if you’re not willing to pay anything toward their college expenses…
I think this is an ESH situation, with the possible exception of the kids, but I’m not entirely sure about even that.
2. Why don’t they want the free or nearly free options? Is their hearts set on some very particular education that can’t be had elsewhere? If this is the case, and you want tonsupport their dreams, you might discuss options with them. They can take some loans or whatever and you can help with some parts of it.
If they want to go to the school of their choice then they can get a loan and a job and pay for it.
Why would they want you to go broke and not have money to leave them or help them with something else later. Sounds like maybe they don’t understand money.
Parents paying is an optional gift. You’re not required to pay for anything.
Your ex is a a-hole to claim it’s a done deal without talking to you.
There are other ways to help that don’t involve spending so much of your salary. Help them research and apply for scholarships.
Your contribution is that list of free schools.
No way would my kids expect me to pay $30K when they could go for free. It wouldn’t even be a thought in their heads. Talk about entitlement.