Despite the user’s attempts to maintain civility and give Tia space, the situation escalated until Tia deliberately or accidentally destroyed a cherished antique pitcher belonging to the user. Following this incident, the user ended the relationship with John. Recently, Tia sought the user out to complain about John’s new girlfriend, Jane, who responded to Tia’s aggression by damaging Tia’s property, leading the user to conclude the matter was resolved without her involvement, which caused the user’s sister to question her lack of empathy.
I (38f) dated John (40m) for about 6 months (we had known each other for a year before we started dating). We broke up 3 months ago.
The reason for the breakup was because of his daughter, Tia (16f). From the very beginning she was hostile towards me. Rude comments. Putting me, my cooking, etc down. Constantly referring to me as “that bitch”.
She said I was the reason her parents broke up. (False. They broke up 10 years ago, 9 years before I met John).
I have a stepmom who went out of her way to try and push her way into my life. So I actively did everything I could to be the exact opposite. I tried to give her space. I tried talking to her, asking her what I could do to at least make things between us civil.
Her answer: I could voluntarily leave this world.
John was no help. He’d threaten to ground her, take her things away, but they were empty threats and Tia would just continue her tirade against me. Her mother, Chloe, (who honestly is awesome) even tried to talk to her and figure out what her problem was.
Tia couldn’t come up with 1 reason why she didn’t like me, she “just didn’t.”
It all came to a head one night while they were at my house. We had ordered food and I went to go pick it up. When I got back I found John in my dining room, sweeping up the remains of my grandmother’s antique pitcher.
My grandmother meant the world to me so seeing the pitcher destroyed broke my heart.
I demanded to know what happened and Tia gave me a smirk and said, “Oops. It was an accident.” I asked her how it was “an accident” and she just shrugged and said something like, “I think I bumped the table and it just fell off.” There’s no way that can happen.
My dining table is heavy. You would have to slam yourself into it to even shake that pitcher.
I told them to leave and spent the rest of the night crying. The next day I called John and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He tried to talk me out of it, but my mind was made up.
Fast forward to 2 days ago. I leave work and there’s Tia. She started going on about John’s new girlfriend, Jane. How Jane is a monster. Evidentially Tia tried her old tricks on Jane, but Jane gives it right back to her.
Tia calls her names, Jane calls her names back. Tia insults Jane, Jane insults her back. The worst was that Tia “accidentally” broke something of Jane’s and in retaliation Jane took Tia’s phone and smashed it.
I asked her if she had told her mom. She had and Chloe decided that Tia wasn’t to go over to John’s anymore. I told her something like, “It sounds like everything’s settled then.” Tia started crying, asking if that was it?
I just looked at her and said, “Yep. Your mom handled it. It’s not my problem.” And I left.
I was talking to my sister about this last night and she called me an AH. She said that obviously Tia is hurting and needed me. She came to me for a reason and the least I could have done was be a shoulder for her to cry on.
I just don’t feel anything. I think I’m just numb to Tia now.
So AITAH?
Conclusion
The original poster is facing a conflict between her deeply negative and painful history with her ex-partner’s daughter and the societal expectation that she should provide comfort to the teenager now that the daughter is experiencing similar negative consequences from a new relationship. The user feels numb and detached, viewing the situation as irrelevant to her life now that the relationship with John has ended.
The central question is whether the user was justified in refusing to offer any comfort or support to Tia, given the severe mistreatment she endured, or if she failed in a basic human responsibility by not being a shoulder for the hurting teen, regardless of past actions. Should past abuse completely negate any current obligation to show compassion?
Here’s how people reacted:
It is annoying and impractical for her to think the answer here is for you to provide child care. It is dismissive of the fact that you are busy already, and you only have about 7 months remaining of the time you’ve allowed yourself to be on hiatus so it’s a short-term solution. It’s too bad that she’s letting her situation cloud her judgment. You are not heartless and that was an unfair response for her to have had, and inappropriate behavior all throughout this interaction.
She is not a baby. She didn’t come to you because she needed you or even wanted you. She came to you because she thinks she can manipulate you.
You showed her understanding and generosity every time she was an absolute wretch and Jane has now shown her that she’s answerable for her behaviour.
She wants her dad to get back with you because you didn’t retaliate. Even if it was a possibility, she would be back to her old self within a week.
BTW, she also lied when she said that she has told her mum and her mum said she doesn’t have to go to her dad’s anymore. She’s 16. Her mum doesn’t get to make that decision if there’s a custody arrangement in place. It has to go to family court to change a custody arrangement.
OP did the right thing in all instances. If the parent isnt willing to (firmly) back up the Step-Parent in front of the kid then they need to remain a single parent. It’s extremely unfair to ask someone to take on the responsibility of a child who isnt theirs, while simultaneously refusing to give them any authority/agency in the situation. It’s a setup.
Your sister thinks YOU were the asshole here…?
Tia has come to the “find out” portion, it typically comes after the “fuck around” period.
This little brat treated you like garbage for MONTHS, constantly put you down, purposely destroyed something your grandmother left you and you should take her feelings into consideration? Why…?
NTA Op, sorry this story got me a little heated, you did nothing wrong and maybe in future Tia will learn to treat people better (the petty side of me finds it hilarious how Jane doesn’t put up with her crap)
NTA, and your sister is out of line. This is not a 10 year old is a 16 year old problematic teenager that is not related to you and is going to be a pain to any woman his father ever gets involved with. She did not even care to build a relationship with you and destroyed something you cared for dearly. Sorry you don’t owe her anything. You could have gone out of your way to help and console, but not obligated in any way.
I’ve seen this happen. A friend refused to marry her longtime boyfriend because his daughter was horrible to her. She eventually dumped him and left the state. The kid was shocked. Even more when the dad followed my friend, who wouldn’t take him back. After years of being bullied by his kid, she didn’t want to see him again.
Good for you for getting out. NTA
Tia got what she wanted—OP is no longer in her dad’s life. She f’d around and drove OP out of her dad’s life. Unfortunately for Tia, it’s find out season.
OP has no obligation to do anything. Tia went out of her way to make OP’s life miserable and, to top it off, she destroyed a sentimental item that belonged to OP. So 🤷🏻♀️, what did Tia expect? The lack of self awareness astounds me.
I am sorry she deliberately broke your cherished antique.
Your sister is wrong. You did nothing but try to be a good step-parent. Tia didn’t want you around her father. She blamed you for breaking up her family. Which you didn’t do.
Tia for being just a mean brat.
John for introducing partners to her so often and so quickly, then acting like a tool when she rebels against them.
And you for not at least dismissing her cry for help a little more gently. It isn’t your problem, but you could have found a nicer way to say it.
Also sounds like that kid needs therapy – she has some sort of trauma associated with her parents divorce or a previous gf of the dads. Something happened there.
Neither Tia nor John are your problem.
and I like Jane btw. Tia needed consequences for her behaviour and Jane seems the only one being willed to give her these. Not saying you were wrong with your approach morally wise but Janes‘ seems to be the one working.
No respect , you owe her nothing . The parents separated or divorced 10’yesrs ago. She seems like she needs so much therapy . Wondering why the mom won’t let her go over . Tia is reaping what she sowed
Nothing you can do about it.
Thowing down with a 16 year old is ridiculous but it appears to have got her attention.
She’s still trying to stir sh*t and create drama.
Once she’s rid of the new gf – she’ll go back to her old tricks with you.
Lying to her and pretending to care would undermine the reality that’s hitting her. Which was a long time coming.
Good riddance to John.
Maybe she has learned.
Also, her dad sounds like a dick. Introducing two women to her in the space of a year.