Yet beneath this calm generosity lies a fragile balance, one that could be shaken by the harsh realities others face. As his wife’s brother confronts sudden unemployment, the shadow of uncertainty creeps closer, threatening to test the limits of their resilience and the true meaning of sacrifice within a family.
My [45m] older brother [51m] lives with me. He’s never really been “good at life”. He’s had a few jobs here and there, but mostly just stuff like Walmart, McDonald’s, and he delivered pizzas for about a month.
He’s never held down a job for more than 60 days. He dropped out of High School, and never bothered to get a GED, let alone any college/trade school. He mostly just sits in his room drinking my booze, smoking my pot, and eating my food while he plays whatever JRPG he’s currently obsessed with.
I don’t mind this, I truly don’t. I did well in life, and my wife invested our money **very** well. So we’re comfortable. I have more than enough resources to support him fully for the rest of our lives, and I intend to do so.
He’s not taking food out of my kids mouths, he’s not cutting into their college funds. It’s literally extra money that I would just be squirreling away if I didn’t spend it on him.
Last night at dinner, my wife told me that her brother lost his job (he worked for a company that recently had MASSIVE layoffs, so it was due to no fault of his own), and asked me if we could float him some cash for bills and stuff while he finds a new job.
I told her to have him send me an estimate of how much he needs to cover 6 months, and that was that (or so I thought).
My brother proceeded to head over to Facebook and post a rant about how people need to be more self-reliant and not ask for handouts they didn’t earn. He didn’t mention my BiL by name, but it was pretty clear that that’s what triggered his rant.
I commented on his post, and I asked him how living off of me for the past 9 years was “self-reliant”. I told him that he is in an incredibly privileged position, because not everyone has a millionaire brother to pay all their bills for them.
I also asked how the allowance I give him every week is not a “handout”.
Anyway, a bunch of his friends from his video game started clowning on him in the comments (apparently he tells people online that he’s an investment banker). He deleted the post, and has not come out of his room since (there is an en-suite bathroom, don’t worry).
My wife says it was fucked up for me to call him out publicly like that, and that I could have been more respectful about it, and my aunt is FURIOUS with me for “airing the family laundry”.
So I kinda think I might be the asshole here. Not for what I said, but for the fact that I said it publicly.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing conflict after publicly confronting his unemployed, dependent older brother for hypocrisy regarding self-reliance. While the OP supports his brother financially without issue, he felt compelled to challenge the brother’s public critique of ‘handouts’ when his own request for assistance for his brother-in-law (BiL) triggered the response. The central conflict lies between the OP’s belief that his public challenge was justified retaliation for the brother’s public shaming, and the resulting anger from his wife and aunt who feel he violated family privacy and respect.
Was the OP justified in using a public platform to call out his brother’s perceived hypocrisy, given that the initial provocation was also public, or did this action cross a necessary line of family privacy and respect that warrants an apology? Which consideration—accountability or familial harmony—should take precedence in this situation?
Here’s how people reacted:
Don’t get me wrong, I have to hand it to you and your partner for doing very well for yourselves that you can house him with no issue. You are both extraordinarily generous to have done this.
But this dude’s past 50. He’s seriously gotta do something. He can’t rely on you forever to give him a way to live like my bitchass who’s still working on it in my 20s. (Yeah I know, the irony.)
Does he need some sort of medical help. Is it the way his mind operates that’s causing him this non-action problem? He may need some kind of cognitive therapy or medication so he can focus on whatever he should be doing, be it schooling or working.
Anyway, you’re NTA. He lied to his friends about what he does for some reason, then he tried to rant because someone else reminds him of himself, and you called him out, which isn’t a bad thing. His lie, and his rant bit him in the arse. He should be taking this moment to look at himself.
>and my aunt is FURIOUS with me for “airing the family laundry”
Btw, has she been helping him at all? If not, she can’t say shit. 😂
Yikes.
NTA. At All. Its good that you pointed it out publicly because I’m tired of people discussing discreetly something private when the AH are the one who started airing their rants/problems. 🙄
Anyways, sit down your brother. Talk to him seriously, it seems he thinks all of your money is his. Are you sure you totally trust him?. Aren’t you worried that something might happen to you and your Wife and all of your *assets* are miraculously trusted to your brother and none will be left to your children, if you have any?. 🤔
And as for your Wife. Tell her about this post and let her read what we think of your brother. All of us thinks he’s a loser for not maintaining his job properly. He knew he had a safety net with you that’s why he had the gall to quit his job whenever he can. A massive idiot too for not thinking he’s in a privileged position.
I do understand that you love your brother and you try to help him at your best. But maybe the problem is that he knows that you will always be there for him? Maybe this is the reason why allows himself to live the way he lives? It’s almost unbelievable that you talk about 50+ years old man as about 17 years old brat. Does he have a family?
If I were you I would help your brother to get some sort of education to be able to improve his life. It doesn’t have to be university. There are many different courses. Don’t give him the food. Teach him to hunt. As much as you think that you are helping him out you probably sinking him and making him to be a lazy ungrateful useless ass
If you were dead broke, would you still feel responsible to basically live this man’s problems for him? At which lengths do you feel you’d go to so your brother can sit on his ass contributing nothing to anything forever? I’d be very curious about this if I were you.
Because it honestly sounds like you were just as brainwashed by your parents blatant favoritism. If not outright groomed to take over caretaking duties after they passed.
*However*, what is he going to do if something happens to you?
He has no life skills, no education, and no motivation to better himself.
You might have taken him on out of a sense of responsibility because your mother couldn’t anymore.
That’s really not a healthy relationship to have with anyone, much less a sibling.
*Especially* if they’re older than you.
You love him, you feel you have responsibility to him, but do you respect him? If you didn’t have the money you did, would you be taking care of him?
If the answers to those questions are both no, it may be time to take a really long look at your enabling behavior towards your brother.
I don’t blame you for feeling that way. And maybe it was time your brother had a reminder that he should not feel superior to people when he is just lucky that you put up with his mooching and provide generously for him.
The problem is that he doesn’t view the wealth you’ve earned as yours. He views it as “ours”. You should sit him down and make sure he understands that you take care of him out of the goodness of your heart and that he has no say at all about how you spend your money. You sound very generous with your family. Auntie can sit down and shut up or make arrangements to come pick him up to live with her.
Financially dependent on his younger brother *and* a hypocrite? Sounds like a real winner.
I’m curious about how you handle this with the kids. You don’t have to answer this, obviously, but how do you approach it with them? Do you explain that this is not how they should be when they grow up? Do they think they’ll get the same treatment should they decide they don’t like college? This is genuine curiosity. How does this situation effect them?
If so, they should be on here responding to all the posts about parents who are doing the same thing to cripple their owns children’s growth into independence.
You should have talked to him in private.
What do you care about his public persona. He probably knows he isn’t self reliant and doesn’t want to world to know. He made that persona do to a low self esteem.
You absolutely call him out publicly for no good reason.
your brother is delusional if he thinks leeching off you is considered self reliant. your wife is a gem you are a lucky man. unless your aunt is financially responsible for your brother, she doesnt have a say in any of this.