In an instant, the fragile trust between mother and daughter cracked when Jasmine revealed Jessica’s harsh words to a homeless man, a man whose suffering mirrored the very struggles they had once endured. The coldness in Jessica’s voice echoed through the mother’s soul, igniting a fury born from love and disappointment. This was more than just a lesson in manners—it was a battle for the humanity that defines us all.
I (34F) am a single mother to two girls, ‘Jasmine’ (16F) and ‘Jessica’ (14F). Their dad died when I was pregnant with Jess, and I had to work hard. We hit rock bottom, and I was barely making paycheque to paycheque but I managed to get a degree, become successful and we live well.
Point is, I know how fucking hard it is to be at the bottom of society, and my daughters know this, which is why I was livid at my daughter’s actions.
Yesterday, Jasmine showed me a video of Jessica cussing a homeless man out and telling him, ‘stop asking me for money, you’d earn it yourself if you weren’t so fucking lazy and spending what you earned on substances.’ When the homeless man complained about the cold (we live in NE England), Jessica responded ‘Yeah people camp for fun, even in December, you can’t complain, you’re living someone’s holiday.’ Fury was an understatement for what I felt, as I thought I had raised an empathetic daughter.
Along with finding the homeless man and making her apologise and help pay for a hotel room for a night for him (she paid £20), as well as signing her up to volunteer at a food bank – I decided to take her up on her offer of sleeping outside.
I locked her bedroom door so she couldn’t go in, put a sign on it saying *Closed for the holidays,* pitched a tent in the garden and filled it with blankets and the sleeping bag I used when I was camping in Norway on a family holiday as a teen (aka really bloody thermal).
I slept in the room closest to the garden for that night so I was nearby if anything was to go wrong. She was reluctant to do it, but chose it over the option of not having access to her phone until the Christmas holidays are over.
In the morning, she was crying about how horrible it was to wake up on a cold mat and get disrupted sleep due to birds. After comforting her, I asked her would she like to do that everyday like the homeless man.
It struck a cord with her and she was crying over her actions, while even after the £20 she was rolling her eyes and her apology was not sincere. This afternoon, I came home from work to Jessica making a big meal to donate to the homeless people who live on the road near our house.
I was proud of how she turned over a new leaf, and after taking the food to the people, my sister came over. Apparently, my nephew and Jessica were talking at school, and he asked her about her plans for the afternoon, and she said that she was going to cook for the homeless.
My nephew asked what triggered that, and Jess told him everything, which he relayed back to his mum. My sister said that my punishment was too harsh, and just the £20 and the food bank would have done the trick, and I’m second guessing myself.
AITA?
Conclusion
The mother experienced intense anger because her daughter’s harsh words towards a homeless man contradicted the values of empathy and understanding she tried to instill, especially given the mother’s own past struggles. The resulting punishment—spending a night outside in a tent—was an attempt to force the daughter to directly experience a fraction of the hardship she mocked, creating a sharp conflict between her actions and her mother’s expectations of compassion.
The core question remains whether the mother’s punitive, experiential measure was an appropriate reaction to teach a lesson about hardship and empathy, or if it was an overly harsh response driven by personal history that overshadowed effective discipline. Should the goal of discipline be immediate behavioral correction through shock, or consistent character development through mediation and restitution?
Here’s how people reacted:
Due to that, I’ve grown up to be able to empathise really well. I’m not one to question what a homeless person does with the money I give them, whose to say I’d use it for anything better. I still volunteer. I have a strong interest in politics and societal interests.
You’ve also supported your daughter that it is okay to say she was wrong. So many people go through life being too proud to admit they were wrong. Your daughter when she was wrong, and it dawned on her, she had no problem doing something to fix it.
We don’t teach Math and English in school by just telling them, we give them problems (experiences) to help them understand on their own.
How effective is your local housing council? What reasons would they have for not helping that man? I was lead to believe that living on the street put someone at the top of the list.
Edit: forgot to add NTA!
You called her bluff on the fake apology and gave her a choice; phone or camping. She chose to stand her ground on her words and learned her lesson. Personal humility is a good thing. Certain kids (me included) need to learn things the harder way for it to hit home. This will stick with her in a good way, for the long term. Don’t worry about your sister, she isn’t Jess’ parent.
Sometimes people need to experience something first hand so they can empathise, and your daughter has learned a valuable lesson here.. well done (to both of you.. she admitted that she was wrong, and that takes a lot of guts)
a definite NTA.
Holy hell if I did the same thing, i would have been lucky If I even got the tent, my mother would have said to make a lean-to.
Sadly, a lot of people are a few missed paychecks to bring homeless. Was this harsh? Maybe. But would she have learned the same lesson about empathy and basic compassion?
You were right to teach your kid a lesson, but probably should’ve just gone with the tent from the start and left it at that. Double punishment *is* kinda a jerk move when injury or property damage aren’t involved, IMO.
NTA