The OP found support only from his grandfather, Jack, who accepted him and Marcus. After Jack passed away two years ago, he left the OP an inheritance used to buy a home with Marcus. Recently, after five years of silence, the mother reached out, citing health issues and mounting mortgage/bill problems, and asked the OP to use his inheritance to bail her out. The OP refused, leading to accusations from his mother that he is heartless for holding a grudge, leaving him to question if he was wrong.
I (31M) have had a rocky relationship with my mom, Kara. Growing up, she was very set in her beliefs about same-sex relationships and race. She would often say things like, “I don’t hate anyone, but I wouldn’t want my son living that way,” and “I raised you better than this.”
Five years ago, I came out as gay and introduced her to my then-boyfriend, now-husband, Marcus (36M), who is Black. The fallout was exactly what you’d expect. She flipped out, told me I was “throwing my life away,” and cut me off entirely.
When Marcus and I got married three years ago, she refused to come to the wedding, saying she couldn’t support my “choices.” We haven’t spoken in five years.
The only family member who really supported me through everything was my grandpa, Jack. He was the one person who accepted me and my relationship with Marcus. After he passed away two years ago, he left me an inheritance, which allowed Marcus and me to buy our first home together.
It was bittersweet because I knew my grandpa would’ve been proud, but at least he was always in my corner.
A couple of months ago, my mom reached out—completely out of the blue. After five years of silence, she said she wanted to “put the past behind us” and claimed she “forgave me” for my “lifestyle.” I was skeptical.
Then she told me the real reason she was reaching out: she’s been struggling with some health issues—chronic back pain that has made it hard for her to work—and she’s fallen behind on her mortgage and bills.
She asked if I could help her out financially, using part of the inheritance from my grandpa.
I felt torn. On the one hand, she’s my mom, and she’s genuinely struggling, even if the health issue isn’t life-threatening. But on the other hand, she cut me out of her life the moment I didn’t fit her narrow idea of what a “good son” should be, and she never once tried to apologize or make things right with me or Marcus.
I told her no. I’ve spent years building a life with Marcus, and it didn’t feel fair for her to come back into my life now, only because she needs something.
Since then, she’s been telling our family that I’m heartless and “letting her suffer over a grudge.” Now, I’ve got cousins and family friends messaging me, saying I should help her because “family comes first” and that I’m being petty by holding onto the past.
But to me, family doesn’t disown you for who you love and then come back when it’s convenient.
Marcus supports my decision, but I still feel guilty. I know my grandpa cared deeply about family, and I don’t want my mom to lose her home. But it’s hard to believe she’s reaching out now because she actually regrets how she treated me and my husband, and not just because she’s in a financial bind.
AITAH for refusing to give her any of my inheritance?
Conclusion
The OP is currently experiencing guilt despite having clear justification for his actions. The central conflict lies between his mother’s immediate need for financial aid, stemming from a difficult life situation, and his need to maintain boundaries against someone who actively rejected him and his husband for years without offering any genuine amends.
The core debate is whether familial obligation, especially when faced with potential homelessness, overrides past emotional harm and the lack of demonstrated reconciliation from the offending party. Should the OP prioritize his mother’s immediate financial survival, or is prioritizing his emotional safety and the integrity of his relationship with Marcus the correct stance when the request is entirely self-serving?
Here’s how people reacted:
When Adult children stop talking to a parent…there is a reason…Noone wants to make themselves an orphan by cutting off their parents, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’m sorry your mother is like this, and Congratulations to you and Marcus, I hope you have the BEST life together!
Remember: The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. So don’t let your family get into your head with the “but shes family” bullshit. If they really believed that, THEY would help her out.
Just because she birthed you, doesn’t mean you have any obligation to help her. You didn’t ask to be born, she *chose* to have you. Just as she *chose* to disown you when you told her you were gay.
She can kick rocks.
The guilt will lessen over time, and hopefully it isn’t too long because her behavior shows nothing has changed. If she really regretted her former actions she wouldn’t make your connection contingent on suddenly paying her bills. She would say something like I understand but can we still be in each other’s lives. Basically she’s full of crap and her problems are her own.
I know from experience how much it sucks to lose the hope that your toxic parent isn’t ever going to change, of be capable of a healthy relationship. You might want to have a look at r/raisedbynarcissists. It’s a good source of support.
Your grandpa may have loved her but he decided ultimately to leave you his inheritance, not her, and for a reason. You would be going behind his wishes if you help her now. She made her choice when she disowned you and now have to leave with that.
You and Marcus get to be free and live for yourselves.
You don’t owe her anything.
Tell them to take up a collection for her. They’re her family too. NTA.
If you choose to help her, have no expectations that she will be a better mother.
Not for your mom. Her Bigotry comes first. And before that her wants.
Your “momma” deserves what’s is coming her way.
She needs to reep what she sowed.
She’s a fucking vulture. She doesn’t care about you at all. She wants the money.
You’re sticking up for your family and putting them first.