Her heart aches with exhaustion and frustration, yearning for a break she’s never been granted. When hope arrives in the form of her boyfriend’s generous offer, it feels like a lifeline—an escape from the relentless demands at home and a step toward reclaiming her own future. But even this new beginning carries the bittersweet weight of leaving family behind.
I (F20) have three siblings who live at home. M22, M15, M12. My older brother does not work and does not go to school. My middle and youngest brothers are in Middle and High School.
I have been taking care of them for about six years now. My parents both work.
I am the only one who cleans, and makes food, and takes care of the dogs. I have access to a car that I share with my brother, but he takes it to go see his friends and hook up with tinder randos.
So I have had to bring home groceries on the bus, because oh yeah I also do the grocery shopping.
I have tried talking to my parents about it but they say that my brother is finding himself and the younger ones have to concentrate on school. I am in my third year of college and it is wrecking me.
My boyfriend (24) has talked to his parents and they are letting me move into the apartment over their garage, he will be paying the rent for the apartment. He lives at home rent free but he also graduated and has a great job, so we talked about it and it is fair.
We are committed to each other but we are way too young to think about moving in together or getting married. I am not saying that this is too young for anyone else. We just know what we want in life and until I get my nursing degree and get a job we aren’t ready.
My parents went away this weekend for NASCAR in Vegas. It is their third vacation this year. I do not begrudge them their holidays, they both work hard, but I am tired of being an unpaid nanny/dog sitter.
So I grabbed my laptop, clothes, and a few other things that I have been gifted. I waited for my older brother to get home, And I left. I told him I was going out for milk but my boyfriend was waiting in the car around the corner.
He started texting me about twenty minutes later saying he needed the car. I did not take the car. I left all the keys on the counter even my house keys.
My grandparents pay for my education so there is literally nothing my parents can hold over me. I let him know I wasn’t coming back and I let my parents know after the last race that I had left him in charge of the younger kids and bailed.
They drove straight home instead of spending the night partying and driving home today. Everyone is mad at me for being so immature and thoughtless. I just don’t care anymore. I talked to my grandfather and he says that I am right and my brothers can look after themselves.
My mom keeps calling and complaining that the house is a mess, I was only gone for 9 hours before they got home but my brothers are pigs.
My older brother says I am an asshole because my parents are making him do everything that I used to do. I cannot find it in myself to give a shit.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) reached a breaking point due to the unsustainable burden of domestic labor and childcare within her family, feeling unappreciated and overworked while pursuing higher education. Her central conflict lies between her right to self-preservation and the family’s expectation that she continue acting as a full-time unpaid caregiver, an expectation which she decisively rejected by leaving.
Given the OP has established independent financial support for her education and secured alternative housing, was her sudden departure a necessary act of self-liberation, or was it an overly harsh method of communication that unfairly shifted the entire household burden onto her siblings? Readers must weigh the right to establish personal boundaries against the immediate responsibility felt toward family members.
Here’s how people reacted:
To your mother: “Mom, I tried to talk to you for *years* about the unfair burden you were placing on me to clean up after my brothers, not to mention all the other chores you expected me–and only me–to do. You had opportunity after opportunity to come to a compromise. So now, it’s yours and Dad’s problem, not mine. I now consider the topic closed. So, is there something else you would like to talk about? Otherwise, I’ll say goodbye for now.” (And if she continues trying to complain, say goodbye and hang up… Don’t stay on the line letting her continue to berate you.)
NTA. And good for you for getting out of that situation
I went through similar things with my own parents, and it took a lot of therapy to understand the full ramifications of what my parents had done to me and my siblings — this included how I related to people at work and within relationships, because I was always defaulting to “parent” mode having been so used to it, that I had difficulty setting boundaries. Kudos to you for leaving, and I wish you all the luck. Sending you good vibes.
Your older brother is an adult and doesn’t contribute anything. You however, do everything that is basically mostly your parents’ job to do. Contributing to the household is one thing but you do everything while your older brother freeloads. You are being parentified. You have to take care of the household and your younger siblings, which is not your responsibility.
Your parents are the AH in this. Work is not an excuse, if they want a clean house they can hire a cleaner. If they want someone to care for the children, dinner and everything, hire a nanny. They also should have pulled your brother’s head out of his behind a long time ago.
Do you also have important documents like birth certificate and SSN?
Call all 3 credit reporting agencies and lock them. Then no one can open credit in your name.
Close your current bank account and any credit accounts and open new ones.
If you have financial aid ask the department if there is a way to safeguard your account from someone who may have all your info and may pose as you.
$$ is usually the first place they go. They could use the cops, mess with your enrollment, insurance-anything that they have access to that might make you vulnerable.
It’s your parents’ job to parent. Not your older brother, not you, they are the parents. I’m sure your parents work hard but they should only go on holidays if ALL their childrens’ need are met, even if it means to pay someone to take care of the young ones. You are doing the job of a nanny and maid for free while studying, and they get to go on vacation? No.
Enjoy your new life and make sure you don’t start taking care of someone else with your newly found free time and energy. Take care of yourself.
I’m sure you’ll find that almost everyone reading your post will be mentally sending hugs and support to you.
(That blew up! OP, every single one of these upvotes is the love and support Reddit has for you – be well)
Definitely not the asshole for escaping that horrible environment, many parents work very hard without turning one of their children into an unpaid domestic servant, if you want your kids to help out around the house for some pocket money or something that is different, but that is usually regarding all of the kids, not singling one out to be slave to all others.
so basically my interpretation is that because you are the girl of the family you were expected to carry the responsibilities of your parents, older brother and younger brothers. And now that you’re gone your older brother is upset because he doesn’t get to be lazy anymore.
You are so NTA op
You are TA too. Not for leaving, but for how/when you did it.
I hope nothing goes wrong in your relationship cause if it suddenly doesn’t work out, and you have no-one paying your rent, you’ll have no choice but to go back; and it won’t be pretty
It just shows that they never believed anything they said about him needing to find himself.
They just needed you to shut up.
NTA
Your parents were wrong for leaving you to do everything. Your adult brother is taking the piss. Let them all sort this out together, it’s no longer your problem.