But trust shattered in an instant when a mother’s uncontrollable excitement spilled into the open, cracking the fragile silence. The unspoken grief erupted in a public arena, leaving wounds exposed and hearts aching in the aftermath of a loss that was never meant to be shared so soon.
My wife was pregnant with our first child. We weren’t telling anyone yet because it was early.
My mom was over at our house and noticed some obvious clues of pregnancy.
She asked about it and we were honest. We also asked her to please respect our wishes and not go telling people because it was early in the pregnancy and we wanted time to ourselves to absorb it.
The pregnancy was unplanned but welcome.
My mom lasted two weeks before she started posting about becoming a grandmother.
We hadn’t told her yet we lost the baby. I was still feeling dead inside when I saw her post so I just commented that “Elise miscarried a week ago”.
I guess it took about an hour for my mom to see the comment and delete her post. We have been getting condolences, which we don’t want, and my mom has been getting crapped on by friends and family for being so insensitive.
She is mad at me for not telling her that we had lost her grandchild.
I think I was an asshole because I replied that I didn’t want her blabbing my family’s personal life again. She is crying and my dad says that I have every right to be upset but that I could have been nicer.
I’m just so angry right now I don’t know how to feel. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing intense anger and grief following the loss of their child, which was compounded by their mother prematurely announcing the pregnancy. The central conflict stems from the mother violating the couple’s explicit request for privacy about the early pregnancy, which led the OP to react publicly and harshly about the subsequent miscarriage, believing it was a necessary retaliation for the breach of trust.
Given the profound emotional damage caused by both the initial breach of privacy and the OP’s immediate, retaliatory disclosure of the miscarriage, the core question remains: When a deeply personal boundary is aggressively violated during a vulnerable time, does the resulting emotional pain justify a public, equally damaging response, or is the maintenance of civility always the required path?
Here’s how people reacted:
My condolences to you and your wife. My childhood friend had a miscarriage in a situation similar to yours and she is still dealing with the aftermath. As always, therapy can be a huge help for both of you. The way you reacted to your mom may have been nuclear but you did not have the mental capacity to muster any other way to tell her this that would be as effective as doing it the way you did. Her making an ordeal about the backlash she had on facebook is annoying but expected of someone who does this kind of things. Not your circus, not your monkey. Use all the energy you are using in worrying about your mother’s tantrum into taking care of yourself and your wife. She doesn’t deserve your energy in this situation, you told her ***NOT*** announce anything because it was early and things like what happened to you could happen easily. In a way you could say she *”Jinxed”* it and if she keeps annoying you just tell her she did. She can be mad but you were not ready to tell her that you lost it, you were dealing with the situation yourself and in fact when she found out about the pregnancy you two were not ready to announce it either so why does she think she gets the right to be told before everyone if she only lasted 14 days before letting people know she would be a granny? Top information is for people who can keep a secret and this is not the time to be dealing with her tantrums, you and your spouse just lost a child, she doesn’t get to act like one.
I met with my kids separately so they could process on their own and so I could address their concerns/questions. Then we came together and watched an action movie. I was soaking in the moment when Mom texted to ask how it was going. I felt bad not updating sooner, but told her that it went well and that the kids were doing incredibly well.
Fast forward 10 minutes and my 12 year old daughter got a Facebook notification that Mom had shared my diagnosis.
What was a day/night about peace, strength and preparing for battle with my ENTIRE focus on my kids was turned into my Mom using my abject terror for attention.
I paused the movie and did a post and I regret not adding that she was in the wrong.
I’ve been blessed so far (cancer,free) and what she did for likes has never left me, but is a confirmation of everything I ever experienced up to that moment.
Please do yourself the greatest favor and stand up for yourself not just privately but publicly. Tag her in the post where you share that there was a reason you were keeping it private. I regret not standing up for myself
Yeah, your mom had no business sharing news of the pregnancy on social media when you’d asked her to keep it to herself, but it no doubt came from a place of exuberant joy that she simply could not contain one moment longer.
I’m sure she deeply regrets it now, but I hope you’ll forgive her. She may feel quite hurt by the fact that a week had passed since the miscarriage and no one had bothered to tell her. That’s what being a family is – sharing life’s greatest joys and deepest sorrows.
Your anger is completely understandable, but perhaps a bit misdirected. I know that when you and your wife do have a child, one of the best gifts you will be able to give that child is loving, involved grandparents. Forgiveness and healing are what’s called for now.
I wish you and your wife a calming grieving period where you can mourn over your little angel.
Your mother is suffering the consequences of her own actions, that’s on her.
Not that telling anyone was acceptable but she wasn’t even telling a friend or family member personally. She literally put it on the internet. She deserves the tears she’s crying right now. But don’t worry about her. Focus on yourself and your wife.
She not only disrespected your wishes but she stole something from you that could never be given back. All this while knowing that it was early and miscarriage risk is high during those first weeks. She took the risk and got the consequences she deserved.
Its ***our*** life and child, not theirs.
Your mother should’ve waited to announce she was going to be a grandmother till you told her it was ok to announce. You asked her not to tell anyone but she didn’t listen. Don’t tell her next time till everyone else already knows.
Did she word it that way? Yikes & NTA