As the truth unraveled, so did the safety net that had held their childhood together. Their father, burdened with the weight of disappointment, bore the brunt of her neglect, while the brothers were left to navigate the painful void left by a mother who chose deception over devotion. The story is one of heartbreak, confusion, and the desperate search for fairness amidst a family torn apart.
Two years ago my dad, my brother (13m) and I (16m) found out mom was having an affair. It shouldn’t have surprised any of us. For over two years she was always busy and let us down so many times.
She was so involved before. But she stopped showing up and supporting me when I was competing in swimming and she stopped asking about it, she flaked on me every time I wanted to do our record store browse which we did since I was 5 and she never said no before.
She dropped the cooking classes she did with my brother and didn’t show up for his talent shows (he’s a musician). I have asthma and she stopped answering calls from the school nurse to pick me up.
My dad had to leave work a bunch of times and it pissed him off because mom was a SAHM and I was one of her reasons. But she didn’t even take that seriously.
It turned out when she was busy doing stuff it meant she was busy cheating or playing mom to the guys two kids. She was bonding with them and filling in for the mom they didn’t have.
She put them before her own kids. Not just the guy she cheated with, but those kids too. The whole thing makes me so angry. When we found out I thought she was disgusting for all of it.
She didn’t just cheat on dad but she was picking the guys kids over her own. She prioritized her affair and the children the affair partner had.
Mom denied that she did it and she told me and my brother she hadn’t cheated on us. And she told us we shouldn’t hate her or pull away from her when the adult business, meaning her marriage, wasn’t our business.
When my parents first started their divorce we were ordered by a judge to stay with mom 50% of the time. I hated it. She tried to integrate us with the guy and his kids but I made it clear I’d never accept them.
Mom asked us to give them a chance and she forced us all to hang out as if we were some kind of family, which is a fucking joke. By the time the divorce was over the judge said I didn’t need to see her that much and I only need to go one weekend a month.
As of last month the judge said I still need to go once a month and being 16 doesn’t mean I get to stop going like I want.
For the past year my mom has started to realize how much I hate her now and she tries to reach out and fix it. I reject her every time and I have called her names and told her to stay away from me.
I told her she’s gross and I want nothing to do with her. Her affair partner (who she’s now married to) tried to berate me for talking to her like that and I told him he’s nothing to me so why would I care about his opinion.
He wants me and my brother to never go to the house because we make his kids feel bad by refusing to spend time with them and avoiding them. So mom tried to talk to me and she begged me to forgive her and she told me she’d do anything.
I told her it’ll never happen. I said she chose another persons kids over us and we remembered that. I told her she was with those random ass children when I needed her. She left me in school with breathing issues so she could play mommy to another woman’s kids.
I told her she fucking destroyed our family, broke dad’s heart and failed as a mother when she was screwing around and she needed to accept her choices cost her us. Mom said she wanted to make it up and I said unless she took it all back and didn’t put those kids first then she couldn’t.
She broke down and told me I wasn’t being fair and she was a good mother for a lot longer than she was a slightly absent one.
The topic came up in therapy and my therapist pushed me to forgive and reconcile with my mom. I don’t really like her because she’s really pushy about that stuff and has spent all the time we’ve been in these sessions telling me I only have one mom and to remember the good.
Dad wanted me to change therapist but mom blocked it because she’s hoping this lady will make me have a change of heart.
But the therapist is really pressing it and I know she’s a professional. I just don’t want the stuff she mentions about having a family and accepting mom for who she is and all that crap.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is dealing with intense, justified anger stemming from his mother’s long-term emotional abandonment and infidelity, specifically noting that she prioritized the children of her affair partner over her own sons. The central conflict lies between the OP’s deeply felt need for accountability and emotional space, and his mother’s—and therapist’s—insistence on immediate forgiveness and reconciliation for the sake of maintaining a relationship.
Is the OP unfair for maintaining rigid boundaries and expressing justified resentment toward a mother who actively chose to neglect her parental duties for an affair, or is the pressure from the mother and therapist to forgive immediately more damaging than allowing the OP to process his betrayal on his own timeline?
Here’s how people reacted:
“And why should I care about the kids who stole my mom and caused her to not be there for me when I was having major medical problems and needed her?”
>She broke down and told me I wasn’t being fair and she was a good mother for a lot longer than she was a slightly absent one.
“You weren’t *slightly* *absent*, you were *extremely negligent*. I could have died because you were too interested in getting some D to be there for your own son.”
>The topic came up in therapy and my therapist pushed me to forgive and reconcile with my mom. I don’t really like her because she’s really pushy about that stuff and has spent all the time we’ve been in these sessions telling me I only have one mom and to remember the good. Dad wanted me to change therapist but mom blocked it because she’s hoping this lady will make me have a change of heart.
Are you in the US? Find your state’s medical licensing board, phone them and ask how to file a complaint about a medical provider. File a complaint that she is giving bad medical treatment by pushing a minor to reconcile with someone who hurt you and endangered you and ignoring your feelings in favor of the feelings of your abuser. Yes, that is the nuclear option. She earned it.
Also, in person, tell the therapist the same thing, that she is giving bad medical treatment by pushing a minor to reconcile with someone who hurt you and endangered you and ignoring your feelings in favor of the feelings of your abuser, and that as a consequence you don’t trust her at all and have nothing further to say to her. Refuse to talk to her any more beyond repeating that statement. She can’t be trusted. If she has any sense of ethics at all she will tell your mother that you have to see someone else. If you are sent to a different therapist who your mother (and not your father) picked or who your existing therapist picked, I advise you refuse to talk to them, and tell them “I do not trust you because you were chosen for me, I did not choose you and you were not picked randomly by the insurance company, and you were chosen by someone I do not trust. I therefore do not choose to tell you about my life or thoughts.”
If it’s not clear from my writing, NTA. You’re being abused by your mother (by forcing you to be with her against your will) and the therapist (same, and by trying to bully you into reconciling with your abuser). Talk to your father about talking to his lawyer about whether they can get another judge to review it, you’re 16, you shouldn’t be subjected to being tortured by your mother and the therapist and forced to spend time with a parent who demonstrably neglected your health. See if there is a judicial review board with which you can file a complaint against the judge who ordered this.
Next time tell the therapist she’s disregarding what you’ve said. That you’re beginning to believe she’s projecting her own feelings on you about your mother cheating on her family which is neither professional or appropriate. That there will be no reconciliation in those therapy sessions so either address your other issues or you make it clear that people are wasting money (your mom/dad/taxpayers) and you’ll be reporting her. As a matter of fact, who is paying this ‘therapist’?
Your mom only has one you, yet she still left you stuck at school struggling to breathe so she could get off with her ‘new family.’ That is not the kind of person you can trust no matter how you’re related to them. She neglected you physically, emotionally and mentally for her own selfish greed. You’re not obligated to make her feel better for causing your suffering.
Your mom literally FAFO. She then continued to double down by ignoring your pain. I get it that parents are humans and everyone deserves to be happy, but not at the expense of your own children.
ALL BEING SAID… the therapist probably knows that resentment festers and causes even more mental health, and even physical health issues. Try to find a way to forgive your mom, not for her but for you! Do it by setting boundaries. Tell your mom that you can forgive but you won’t forget. That you will aren’t going to accept her husband or step kids and she needs to stop pushing. You will be 18 before you know it and then you won’t be forced to see her anymore.
Anyway, you were under the impression your mom only had two kids, but she decided she had 4, so maybe if your dad gets remarried his next wife will be a better mom. Family is who we decide it is. NTA.
You need a different therapist. Does your mom know her? She may be unduly influencing her.
Outside of that, if you want to make this easier on yourself, gray rock your mom. Be polite, and minimally engage. Don’t get personal, but still be respectful. She can’t argue with you if you don’t give her any ammo to make her case.
And you’re correct. Your mom cheated on not just your dad, but also you and your sibling. I wasn’t going to agree, until you mentioned her ignoring emergency calls from school when you’re in acute medical distress, and yes, asthma attacks fall under that category, is neglect, which is abuse.
My forgiveness of her isn’t going to change me wanting to have a person like her in my life. Why would I want someone in my life that has already proven she would choose strangers over me? I wouldn’t and I don’t.”
NTA.
First, I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. All the points you made are valid and exactly correct – she abandoned you and your brother for this guy’s kids.
Now she regrets it, but too late. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.
I’m a mom and can’t even imagine a situation I would have ever done this to my kids and family. She deserves what she’s getting as far as I’m concerned.
Those two kids have had two moms… at your expense.
Then I would bring up to the therapist that the only reason you don’t have another therapist is because your mother is blocking it because therapist is decidedly playing favorites.
You can refuse to engage and just sit there playing Pokemon Go or something.
And You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with
Don’t forget to focus on your studies now. You have university ahead of you and Help your brother and father
And Focus on the future as a family of three.
She chose her family. Why does she still bother you?
Nta.
Your therapist is being unethical. Pushing you into a reconciliation is messed up. You could probably make a formal complaint against her based on that.
And just curious, any chance your mom has any personal connections to this therapist? Maybe it’s a friend of a friend or her own therapist?
Your mom severely impacted your childhood.
Follow your gut & stay away.
Stop calling her mom.
Tell her that at 18yo and 1 minute, she will see and hear you for the last time.
NTA Updateme
You’re correct. You need a new therapist ASAP!
The axe forgets. The tree remembers.