As she takes a bold step toward securing her future alone, Adam’s insecurities surface, creating a rift that neither fully knows how to bridge. The struggle between personal ambition and shared commitment pulses beneath the surface, challenging them both to confront their deepest vulnerabilities or risk losing what they’ve built together.
I (F29) have been with my boyfriend Adam (M27) for 2 and a half years. He’s the quiet/shy type. It’s very hard to get him to open up about what bothers him. For now I’m the one with an income.
We get along easily though he can be…a bit unreasonable sometimes. e.g. he doesn’t cook cause he’s worried I won’t like his food but still cooks for himself and the smell’s pretty telling that his cooking is good.
Another e.g. and that is he doesn’t do most chores saying he’s worried he might break/damage something. It’s frustrating but we’re working on fixing it.
Now unto the more complicated issue… I’d put money aside since 2015 to buy an apartment and I’m finally able to get it done this year. When I told him this he got agitated and said I should wait a little longer til we’re married, but I said no.
He started complaining about how bad he feels about seeing me buy the apartment myself without having him contribute. I asked what I was supposed to do because…it kinda sounded like a “he problem” no offense but…
he got so worked up and gave me 2 options…1. is I put his name on the title, 2. is not buy the apartment til marriage so it’ll become “shared marital asset”. I said no and that was final and he should drop it.
He did eventually.
At his family’s house, I was taken aback when he started complaining about the apartment and again told me to either put his name on the title or wait til marriage to buy it, cause he feels like there’s a “huge power imbalance” here, and that he can’t bring himself to accept it.
He also said that it makes him feel like he contributes nothing. I snapped and said “the reason you feel like you contribute nothing is because you literally contribute nothing and I suggest you fix that by actually finding a job and having a decent income”.
His family looked shocked, he glanced at me then got up and walked away. I waited for him to come back but had to go home cause his mom said he felt too overwhelmed and wanted some space.
She then basically started shaming for my “statement” and hinted about financial abuse and control over her son. He’s not home yet demanding another tall about the apartment probably expecting me to agree to one option.
Edit in case it matters: He has a disability that limits his job opportunities.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels determined to proceed with purchasing an apartment using her long-term savings, leading to a significant conflict because her boyfriend expects her to either delay the purchase until marriage or add his name to the title now. This conflict stems from the boyfriend feeling inadequate and overshadowed by the OP’s financial independence, while the OP feels her financial autonomy is being challenged.
Given the boyfriend’s stated feelings of power imbalance versus the OP’s right to use her own money for her assets, the central question remains: Should financial autonomy and pre-marital asset protection take precedence, or is the boyfriend’s request for shared ownership—driven by feelings of insecurity regarding his lack of financial contribution—a reasonable expectation within their committed, though unmarried, relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
First off, look up weaponized incompetence. Your BF is manipulating you into managing anything he views as inconvenient.
As for this particular event, your boyfriend gathered people he suspected would be on his side and ambushed you in a convo that you already had and ended, and then has the audacity to complain about power balances? Is there anything this man does that isn’t manipulative?
Keep moving forward with your life, and don’t hesitate to leave him by the wayside as you do. He’s only going to hold you back while leeching as much as he can in the process.
As you said, he contributes nothing, but expects to get half the apartment. He’s bludging off you, financially and with chores and won’t even share food. He’s been spinning a yarn to his family, or they are equally horrible, or both.
This relationship is not sustainable. Drop him. You can do better.
At least make sure that the apartment remains yours.
This guy is a black hole, he just sucks everything in and gives nothing.
You’re close to being an AH for being with him and putting up with his nonsense. Won’t cook, clean or work? What are you doing? Have some standards for yourself.
Don’t put his name on anything, buy your apartment and think about this relationship.
he does not contribute physically financially or emotionally
the sex cannot be that good for u to keep him around
find someone else to be in a relationship with that’s actually you know grown up
I suggest leaving before you purchase the home so he has no legal claim at all.
P.s. if he’s happy freeloading now that won’t change in the future. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
tell him to stay with his mum as she’s clearly not done rearing him into a functioning adult.
If and when he gets his act together, you may decide to resume relationship; or perhaps you’d move on by then.
He wants you to put his name on the title, even though he hasn’t contributed anything towards it because of his feelings? And his family are acting as though you’re being unfair?
RUN.
Everyone has probably already said it, but look up weaponised incompetence.
Have you heard the phrase “weaponized incompetence”? Look it up.
Also it’s a definite red flag with the apartment.