In the aftermath, raw emotions spilled over—anger, hurt, and a profound sense of being deceived in front of others. Yet beneath the surface, a complicated truth emerged: honesty, even when delayed, had the power to soften the blow. As they talked through the pain and the lies, he found himself strangely lighter, the weight of unknowns lifting just enough to glimpse a fragile hope for healing.
My GF (39F) invited me (M42) to go to a dinner party at her friend’s house last night. I knew they had met on a dating app and she had said they went on one date but decided to be friends instead.
They hang out from time to time and I had met him once before about a year ago right after we started dating. I have no reason to believe anything is going on right now but this is not the only ex she hangs out with.
During the party, one of the other guests made a comment that made it apparent that it was more than one date and that things had gone much further than she said.
I laughed it off in the moment but asked her about it when we left and she admitted how far it had gone. I sort of blew up (my clear asshole moment) because I felt that she could have been honest and the fact that she wasn’t made me look like an idiot in public.
We spoke about it today and I apologized and she explained why she had lied about it. I don’t know why but now that I know the truth I sort of feel less comfortable with them hanging out.
I know I’m the asshole for blowing up but am I the asshole for sort of thinking she should cut ties with this guy now?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is grappling with feelings of betrayal and insecurity after learning his girlfriend omitted significant details about a past relationship. His emotional outburst stemmed from feeling publicly embarrassed and deceived, leading to an apology for his reaction. Now, the core conflict is the OP’s discomfort with his girlfriend maintaining a friendship with this man versus his acceptance of her explanation for the initial dishonesty.
Given the breach of trust caused by the withholding of information, should the OP’s current desire for his girlfriend to end contact with this specific male friend be respected as a necessary boundary for the stability of their relationship, or is demanding separation an unfair imposition on her established friendships?
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA and I see it exactly the opposite. I assume by “blowing up” you must mean you argue dirty, but you have not made that part clear.
But I think your impulse for her to cut ties, while perhaps coming from a healthy place of caution, is misplaced. You met the guy already without incident. That’s about the most mature way to exercise vigilance. So you have reason to think something was mismatched. True, you should do something else about it. But I think that something else should be you level with the ex that you were left in the dark, and see his reaction. Well at least that’s something someone closer to sainthood would do.
Agree on the reasons you have for you being TAH, as well as you thinking she should cut ties. That’s a bit controlling.
But she is also TAH for misleading you about her former relationship with her friend.
Now, if she feels that she couldn’t tell you the reality of this and possibly her other friends/“ex’s” that is also something to consider…since most relationships truly rely on trust and clear/true communication. And there isn’t either here.
She’s still screwing him or is contemplating on it. At the very least that particular chapter between them is still partially open.
The fact she lied to you about how far they went means she wants to be sure you are never suspicious enough of their friendship to ever watch for signs of foul play between them.
Protect your sanity and distance yourself.
That stuff is in the past and not important.
What is important is that your current relationship with her is good and that she isn’t cheating, which it sounds like she isn’t from the post.
Was this a friends with benefits situation or a one night stand that then decided to just be friends?
Because if it’s the first, that’s a serious breach of trust and you should probably consider the future of the relationship.
If it’s the second, I think you’re overreacting a bit. Plus, there is zero reason to worry because they’re obviously not sexually compatible.
Maybe this is just how you framed tgis, but the fact you *apologized* to her for your outburst while she *explained* to you without apologizing why it was actually totally fine hits my ear very wrong.
I, personally, wouldn’t have a problem hanging out with exes that were friends unless I’d been lied to. I think changing your attitude after the lie is perfectly reasonable.
I will say NTA, but maybe work at controlling initial reactions to situations.
Suggest you move on from her as there is probably a lot more about her you don’t know and may not want to know.
Grow up, it was past and it’s gone. You don’t need to know every damn details. Focus on present and you will not have to worry about anything
Quit being such a weak ass doormat. She should be apologizing to you and doing whatever it takes to keep you.
Now ask yourself this, what else has she lied about and hidden from you.
He will be looking for any opportunity to bed her and she probably still has the tingles for him.
Time to go grey rock and start to end the relationship.
Do you have so little self-esteem that you’d rather apologize to someone who’s screwing you over then stand up for yourself?
You are not in a good place.
NTA
Open your eyes.
You are just a place holder.