The promise of a wedding, meant to unite and celebrate, instead exposes deep fissures of loyalty and gratitude. Rita, who once gave everything without question, now faces an unexpected exclusion from the very moment she helped make possible. In the shadows of joy and planning, her quiet generosity is met with cold omission, revealing the painful cost of love when it is taken for granted.
I have a son (John, 28M) and daughter (Rita, 31F) and both are on OK terms with each other. Ever since my husband passed away, nearly a decade ago, Rita has stepped up and taken care of all of us, financially.
She’s funded a huge portion of John’s life and helped him get a job without debt. She’s let me live with her in her house and is very, very soft-spoken and calm.
Recently, John proposed to his long time girlfriend Sam and they’ve begun planning their wedding. Sam and John have made it clear that they want Rita to help them out financially (again) as they’re saving up for a house and a future child.
Sam has a huge family and everyone there have very close relationships, so they’ve already cut down on the guests form John’s side. Neither I nor Rita care about this, but recently one of Sam’s long lost childhood friends informed them that she’ll be in town during the wedding so they had to remove one guest because of the venue’s rules and that person was Rita.
Sam told John and John told me that she doesn’t want Rita to be there cause ‘they’re not very close’ and ‘she can always see the couple sometime else’.
I was rude and questioned her as to why they’re removing someone who’s helping them out to which the reply was ‘I don’t like how she’s butting in to John’s life’ and that ‘childhood friend is more likable.’ Rita’s hurt and told the couple that she won’t be paying a dime for the wedding and even went as far as planning a trip on the same dates with her friends.
Now John and Sam are yelling at me saying that I’ve spoiled her and made her into an egoistic loser but Rita’s already given them an engagement and a wedding gift (apart from the funding) so I told them that she’s done her part and that childhood friend could cover the expenses.
Sam’s mad and is threatening to go NC.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is defending their daughter, Rita, who has been the primary financial provider for the family for nearly a decade. The central conflict arises when John and his fiancée, Sam, exclude Rita from the wedding after receiving significant financial support from her, citing personal preference over the benefactor’s contribution. The OP stands by Rita’s decision to withhold further financial aid and maintain her boundaries.
Is the OP justified in supporting Rita’s refusal to fund the wedding after she was uninvited by the couple, or did they enable Rita’s reaction by validating her withdrawal of support and gifts? Should John and Sam prioritize the feelings and past contributions of a financial supporter over the presence of a relative, even when venue capacity is limited?
Here’s how people reacted:
I get it. It’s her day and her rules blah blah. You don’t remove the person who has been financially supporting you your fentire life for your fiancé’s friend who just magically reappeared. His fiancée is a [insert very harsh words] and needs to get a grip with her mentality.
Rita doesn’t deserve to be milked of her hard earned cash and disrespected. You guys need to stand your ground and watch as either he realizes now that Sam is just gonna use his family, or watch as he takes her side and basically backhands all that Rita has done for him and for this wedding
Rita is only 3 years older than your son and she paid a lot of things for the family. She is ONLY THREE YEARS OLDER. That’s nothing. She should not have been paying things for your son and your son is now old enough to pay for his own wedding.
How can you still be involved with this wedding when they are kicking your daughter to put a long lost friend of the bride? The bride should be kicking someone from her own family.
Also, Rita is paying for the bride’s guests as well?
Everyone in this family is taking advantage of Rita. You live with her and John got a lot of money from her for college I guess and other stuff. Rita has to start saving her money and putting it on herself and her life. This is ridiculous! You are all leeches.
Rita needs to send him a bill for his college and any other money she has spent on him over the last decade and then cut contact.
Your son and future DIL just learned an important lesson: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!!
Seriously though, I can’t believe they are stupid enough to uninvite the primary person bank rolling their wedding. Even if your daughter was not funding their wedding, their reason for rescinding her invitation was completely disrespectful. On top of that, the fact they are saying you spoiled her and called her egotistical is so ironic considering they are acting like spoiled brats.
His sister had stepped up time and time again providing financial support when she didn’t have to, and that’s the thanks she gets?
Absolutely NTA.
Your son and his fiancée are incredibly spoilt and entitled people. Barely engaged and already turning into ‘zillas.
I hope this friend is worth losing his sister, because that’s what’s going to happen. If it were me, I’d be NC they don’t deserve her.
I hope she enjoys her trip away and spoils herself!
your son sounds like the spoiled one and needed this reality check. sounds like your daughter has helped more than enough and if the son is gonna go NC over this then he can right the fuck off
EDIT: with much thought on this i’ve decided ESH but rita. her brother and, i assume mother, have taken advantage of her for way too long.
INFO: you mentioned your children having an “okay” relationship, and if John decided to disinvite Rita without a second thought, it’s probably not the first time John and Sam have been ungrateful. So why does your daughter still “steps up financially”? Why didn’t you step up when your husband died?
Who removes their sister from the guest list to make room for their fiancé’s friend? Seriously that’s a massive asshole move.
Why should they still expect her to pay for their wedding when she isn’t invited? This is so ridiculous I question whether this is a real post.
You have completely failed her as a mother if you instilled in her the idea that she needs to financially support you and your son. She needs to cut the cord and escape from the both of you.
You did right. It’s hard to know when to speak up, but Rita was getting bullied and she, as such a giver, needed your support.