Now, as the family gathers in a long-awaited video chat to meet the newest member—a precious four-month-old baby girl—there is an aching tension beneath the surface. The distance and restrictions have kept them apart, but the emotional scars run closer than any miles, threatening to unravel the fragile threads holding them together.
My (28f) older sister (33f) has a habit of making everything about her, which has been true our whole lives, as we are 2 of 4 siblings. For example, at my wedding four years ago, she had a major fight with her significant other and then announced a pregnancy.
Two days later, she revealed it was a false alarm and she was just late. When I announced my pregnancy, she announced she had broken up with her significant other. Less than a week after I gave birth to my daughter, she announced she was engaged (to a different guy, whom she has since broken up with as well).
She has done similar things involving other family members, including her own children. She has three children from two different fathers and has been engaged and broken up with three different guys in the last year.
We had a family video chat so everyone could see my daughter (4 months old); no one has had much face-to-face contact due to restrictions and distance, and some family members have yet to meet her in person.
I use many nicknames for my daughter, mainly ‘bubble,’ ‘poppet,’ or a shortened version of her name, but occasionally use terms of endearment such as ‘sweetheart,’ ‘my darling,’ or ‘my love.’
During the video chat, my sister asked me not to use ‘my love’ because her new boyfriend calls her that. She has been ‘talking to him’ for about a month and is apparently moving in next week.
I apologized and said I would not use it around her, thinking this was reasonable. She insisted no, I had to never use it again; I was not allowed to call my daughter that, and she found it inappropriate as it should only be used in a romantic setting.
This confused me, and I refused, stating I could call my daughter whatever I pleased and would simply avoid using the term in front of her. She became very defensive and went on to insult my parenting skills.
This is where I might be the AH: I told her that just because her new guy couldn’t remember her name long enough to use it, and chances are none of us would put the effort into learning his, did not mean I needed to change what I call my daughter.
She flipped out and left the call. Some family members are on my side, while some say I was too harsh. Am I the AH in this?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a conflict where their long-standing family dynamic, characterized by their older sister constantly shifting focus onto herself, has now intruded upon a personal boundary concerning the OP’s relationship with their infant daughter. The OP strongly asserted their right to use personal terms of endearment for their child, contrasting this with the sister’s seemingly unreasonable demand to ban a specific phrase outright.
Was the OP justified in defending their right to use the term ‘my love’ for their daughter, even if it meant provoking their sister, or did the harshness of the retort—linking the term to the sister’s new boyfriend—cross an acceptable line in family communication? The core question remains whether protecting parental autonomy outweighs the need to maintain superficial peace with a demanding relative.
Here’s how people reacted:
Reminds me of a Thanksgiving incident from when I was younger. When I went to Thanksgiving, there would typically be 4 or 5 moms there, including my own. So instead of calling for my mom using “mom” or “mother”, I would say her first name to help differentiate who I was calling for. That was the only time I would use her name.
One of my aunts got entirely up in arms about it, and began telling me off saying I was disrespectful and should not call my mom by her name. My mom sucks BAD, but to her credit she turned to the aunt and told her that it didn’t bother her that I called her by her name, that she knew why I did it, and that her opinion was the only one that should matter in that instance.
You gave her exactly what she wanted. She changed the whole tone of the call to focus on her, made some ridiculous claim so that she could blow up and then storm out of the chat. She even managed to get some people on her side to continue fighting the battle for her and make sure she gets all the attention.
She will be back with some other self serving excuse to grab the spotlight, an what you can do is to absolutely ignore her announcement, her histrionics, her weeping and wailing over some perceived slight. Point it out to others, make it a game to see how long it takes during someone else’s moment for her to pitch a fit and grab the center of attention.
You should call your daughter whatever name or nickname holds meaning for you. She is your daughter. Multiple people can be called “my love” (my mom also calls me that sometimes), and if she really believes only one person should get to be called that, then your daughter has priority over her flavor-of-the-month.
It sounds like your sister could benefit from some therapy.
You offered to compromise but your sister rejected that. Your sister sounds entitled. could you have been a little nicer on your delivery regarding her new man, yes. but stuff it, she needed a reality check.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA IM FUCKING DEAD.
NTA call your kid what you want. I still call one of mine “Monkey” and he’s grown.
I mean, was it a cheap shot?? Maybe. But it sounds like a lot of frustration with her behaviour has just been let go over the years. So I wouldn’t classify it as AH-ish.
What I do think as AH-ish is her thinking she has ownership over a term of endearment.
Your comment was disgusting and based on your perceived tone while describing your sister’s history you clearly don’t think much of her.
Your sisters request, however, was absurd to begin with.