Recently, Tim’s parents seriously suggested that the OP should quit her job after the wedding to become a stay-at-home mother, stating they find it embarrassing that she currently earns more than Tim. When the OP proposed a solution—an unrecoverable trust funded by the parents to cover her lost earnings for 35 years—or a prenuptial agreement guaranteeing half of Tim’s trust in case of divorce, the parents reacted with anger. The OP is now uncertain whether her demands for financial security are reasonable, especially since her own mother found her approach too focused on money.
My fiance’s parents are loaded. Old money loaded. They can afford what I’m asking no problem.
I make very good money at my job. I’m currently 27 and earn over $170,000 USD a year. Tim is a teacher. He doesn’t make as much bit he has a trust fund so he works sort of as public service.
It’s big in his family.
Recently I had a weird conversation with him and his folks. They think after the wedding I should quit working and be a stay at home mom. I thought they were joking and kind of laughed.
They are perfectly serious. They think it’s emasculating that I earn more than Tim.
Over the course of my career I will earn much more than him. But his trust fund is low seven figures. He could afford to pay me what I earn yearly but he can’t due to the stipulations of his trust.
His mom on the other hand has lots of interest built up in her trust.
So I offered a solution I thought was fair. They set up an unrecoverable trust for me. They must contribute my gross earnings yearly with bumps for anticipated raises and promotions.
The deposits would be for the next 35 years. That was I’m a stay at home mom, Tim is the breadwinner, and I’m protected in the case of a divorce.
They went fucking nuts. Apparently I’m ridiculous for thinking they will give me money. I offered a compromise. I sign a prenup wherein I am entitled to half of Tim’s trust fund in the case of divorce of I give up my career.
Also not acceptable to them. I’m kind of at a loss. Do they honestly think I would give up my career with zero safety net?
My mom says I’m being kind of rude putting everything in such stark monetary terms. I think I’m being reasonable. What do you think?
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a difficult position, feeling a strong need for financial security after being asked to sacrifice a high-earning career for the sake of her fiancé’s family’s traditional expectations regarding gender roles and income parity. The central conflict lies between the OP’s entirely reasonable request for protection against future financial ruin and the parents’ apparent expectation that she should sacrifice her career without demanding reciprocal financial guarantees.
Should the OP proceed with giving up her career based only on the expectation of spousal support from a trust fund that is protected by stipulations, or are her demands for a guaranteed, independent financial safety net (the trust or the prenup) necessary precautions when entering a high-net-worth family structure? The debate centers on whether prioritizing career sacrifice necessitates enforceable financial safeguards.
Here’s how people reacted:
Where was your fiance in this conversation? How does he feel about it, and why (no matter how he feels about it) is he not telling his parents to mind his own business.
Are you sure you want to marry him? Because I’m really not liking the scent of their obvious devaluation of you as a person that this reeks of. What you want does not matter. What matters is whether or not he “feels like a man,” and he can’t feel like a man if you out-earn him? And of course they do not want to guarantee that you would leave the marriage as whole as he would because 1) that makes it possible for you to leave at will and 2) as a woman you simply do not need as much money as a man and 3) no woman that leave him or cause him to leave her deserves to have any money.
I will ask again: Are you sure you want to marry him?
Thankfully it didnt work out between us. I needed to work and be my own person, they however live in a bubble of protection. I struggle with bills. Their biggest inconvenience is when Starbucks stops the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
BUT, she and her husband are owned by their parents. Sure they get amazing getaways and trips and money will NEVER be a problem.
But he works for Daddy, their cars are not theirs the house is not theirs, they had to have babies on demand. They are not actually happy, they are slaves to the pay out. Oh and shes bored. If that tells you anything
You have a partner problem, not an in-law problem. He is fine letting his parents dictate the terms of his relationship with you. That is not a true partner. That’s not even a true adult.
He has shown you that he will never be your equal and will never see you as his equal. Thank him for making that clear before you made any permanent commitment and get the hell out of there.
Like on what planet would “halve your budget and be screwed if you’re divorced” be a tempting offer? Its rude they even pushed the topic. The real question is what your fiance thinks of this
You can do better than a trust fund chump with a hero complex who denigrates himself to teach the poverty-stricken masses out of familial obligation rather than a love of teaching.
Tim sounds pathetic. That fact that Tim isn’t speaking up in your defense of this idea to his family at large is the largest issue you have here.
NTA. Don’t marry human refuse.
Think of your opportunity costs when you quit your career. Going back to earn the same amount after a couple of years as a Sahm is going to be at risk.
What the heck did I just read, because what sense does it make for you to give up everything just to marry their son?
I would walk away from him and his family. They have no respect for you.
NO. Do what you want to do. It is YOUR LIFE and YOUR CAREER.
Tim can be a big boy and either get comfortable witha wife who brings home the bacon and the back ribs or he can get a higher paying job.
It’s up to you and your future husband how to live your lives.
They have no right to dictate your future like that.
And screw that “emasculation” crap.
They’ve been listening to Andrew Tate.
Do NOT quit your job. It’s not your responsibility to lower yourself because your partner isn’t making more money.
Your in-laws don’t want you to have money so they can have more control over you.
Do NOT quit.
Updateme
Don’t marry Tim and definitely don’t give up your career. You deserve someone better.
Don’t quit your career….ever.
NTA