On a scorching day that reveals more than just sunburned skin, the true weight of unkindness is felt deeply. When appearances become weapons and warmth is met with coldness, the struggle to belong becomes a poignant battle of self-worth and courage, echoing far beyond the classroom doors.
I am a woman in my thirties and I have a daughter in fifth grade. In order to pick up your kid you have to go inside the school and line up outside the classrooms. So when pick her up I make small talk with a lot of the parents while waiting in line.
My daughter has been going to this school since kindergarten and has been friends with the same group of girls. Naturally over the years I’ve become friends with some and friendly with others.
There is one woman, let’s call her Brandy, who has never really been friendly with me, her daughter and mine aren’t very close either. However, Brandy is very close with another mom I consider to be my friend.
So I see her around often at birthday parties and such and I’ve always gotten a very mean girl vibe from her.
It’s been warming up where we live and yesterday was the first day that got above 90 degrees. It was hot, so I wore shorts to school pickup. Brandy is a larger woman, there’s no way to sugarcoat it.
She’s a big lady. And I am a very pale lady. I do not tan and I don’t bother to try so I have really white legs.
While I was waiting in line, making small talk up walks Brandy. She looks at me and says very loudly and rudely, “Wow, you’re really pale! And started laughing.
Now I know I’m super pale and if she had said it in a joking tone I would have laughed it off. But it was said as an insult, with a very snarky tone that pissed me off. So after a second I said, “Hey, how would you like it if I walked up to you in public and said wow, you’re really fat!
And then laughed in your face?” It was rude I know, but my appearance had just been insulted in front of a group of parents at my daughter’s school.
Well, she obviously didn’t like that and got visibly upset so I just turned around and walked towards the classroom because at that point they had started releasing the kids and I didn’t want to be part of a scene.
My friend that I mentioned earlier reached out to me later and said that Brandy was really hurt by my comment and that “calling someone pale isn’t the same as calling them fat because you can change being pale.” I don’t quite understand that line of thinking because being overweight is something you can also change.
I’m being told that I should apologize for calling her fat but I don’t think I should have to since that woman insulted me first.
Am I wrong in feeling this way?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) reacted defensively after being publicly insulted about her pale skin by another parent, Brandy, by retorting with a comment about Brandy’s weight. The OP feels justified in her response because she was attacked first, while others, including a mutual friend, believe the OP should apologize because her counter-attack was more hurtful or inappropriate than the initial comment.
When dealing with unsolicited public criticism, is it acceptable to respond with an equally personal insult, or does maintaining composure and rising above the initial rudeness define the correct course of action?
Here’s how people reacted:
Does that make it wrong – No.
Insulting someone is never right, but bullying the bully is understandable.
Of course you could have handled it differently with a more mature and pointed comment highlighting the insulting nature of the comment without insulting her back – something like “wow I can’t believe you think it’s appropriate to insult someone skin colour and immutable parts of their body. What a terrible lesson you are teaching your children”- but I know I am never that articulate when I’ve been insulted.
As a fellow lily with a moon tan I often receive the same remark and my usual retort is more along the line of “at least I wont get skin cancer and look older than I am”.
She learnt the real lesson about living in glass houses and throwing stones.
Obviously she shouldn’t have said that. It was rude and totally unprovoked. But I suspect you also know better than to stoop to her level. I realize this is too mature for Reddit, but you actually do still have to live by your own moral code even when other people are assholes first.
And if you’re going to try and be a mean girl, you need to do it better. You should have said “How unkind. I would think you of all people would know that body-shaming people is hurtful.” Same message, but then the rest of the moms wouldn’t side with her. Now you have two choices. You can apologize and be accepted by the other Moms. Or you can dig in and be ostracized as “that bitch who fat shames people.”
IMO you didn’t blatantly call her fat. You called her out by putting her in a metaphorical situation which she didn’t like to hear; it’s not nice to talk about other people’s bodies.
“calling someone pale isn’t the same as calling them fat because you can change being pale.” You can change being fat with diet and exercise, so this point doesn’t really check out. (I am not fat shaming, I am what people would consider “plus size”, but the truth is people can change if they want to enough).
If you want to keep the peace, you can try and speak to her about why you thought her comment was inappropriate, but otherwise you have nothing to apologize about.
“Hey, how would you like it if I walked up to you in public and said wow, you’re really fat! And then laughed in your face?”
Assuming you are reporting what was said accurately, there is a huge difference between these two statements. The first was unnecessary and out of line. The second was a response stated as a question? Did she answer your question? Doesn’t sound like it.
Sounds like she wanted to dish it out, but couldn’t handle getting dished back. You do not owe her an apology. However, I would keep an eye on that one. She’s gonna screw you over somehow.
NTA
So, both things are not equal, but she shouldn’t dish out shit if she wants to avoid somebody coming back at her.
I see no faults. Unbelievable we have to parent other adults and yet, here we are 🙃
But all of that is moot. We don’t make “jokes” about people’s bodies.
I would have probably said that pale skin is not anything funny and is none of her business. You could give her a full on history lesson on the way it has been desired throughout history and associated with royalty and education, but that’s another matter.
She was rude first. But there’s no social stigma to being pale. Why not call her out on being impolite? “Wow, you’re really rude” would have made the point without stooping to beneath her level.
Brandy FAFO’d.
You could have been the better person, and you chose not to.
“You’re fat and can change it whenever you want?”
*gets upset*
ESH
Massive overreaction for what was an off-hand awkward comment.
You can change being fat, too lmfao.