Before she moved in, the OP clearly stated that he does not host guests because he needs to feel safe in his own space. When the OP returned home unexpectedly to find three unknown people socializing casually on his couch, he left the apartment for two hours. Upon his return and confrontation, the sister was upset when the OP asked her to find other housing, leading the OP to question if his reaction was too extreme given his need for security in his home.
I (26M) live in a one-bedroom apartment. I work remotely and I prefer to keep to myself.
My younger sister (22F) graduated college a few months ago and moved in with me temporarily while she applies for jobs and gets on her feet since our parents moved south when we both left the house.
We’ve always gotten along pretty well.
The only thing I made clear when she moved in was that I’m not okay with people coming over. I don’t host, ever. I don’t care if it makes me weird, I just don’t feel safe around unfamiliar people in my space.
I told her that early on and she said she understood.
This weekend I got back from a walk and there were three people I didn’t know sitting on the couch. One of them was drinking from my mug. They were laughing, watching a show, super casual like this was their place.
My sister just waved like it was no big deal and said “hope you don’t mind.”
I didn’t say anything. I turned around and left. I was outside for like two hours just walking. When I got back they were gone. I told her I can’t do this. I said I’m sorry but I need her to start looking for another place to stay.
She got really upset and said she didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. That they were only there for an hour and they weren’t loud or messy. I told her it’s not about that, it’s about how it made me feel in my own home.
I don’t think I should have to feel like a guest in my own space.
Now she’s staying with a friend for a few days and my parents are pissed. They say I’m being extreme and ungrateful and that I should support her while she’s trying to get her life started.
They said my sister called me embarrassing. But I honestly don’t know what else I could’ve done. It’s not about punishing her. I just don’t feel safe when stuff like this happens.
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the clash between the OP’s fundamental need for personal space and security within his own home, and his sister’s expectation that she should be able to socialize casually with friends while living there temporarily.
The debate centers on whether the OP’s boundary regarding hosting guests was reasonable given the living arrangement, or if his demand for her immediate departure was an overly harsh response to a potentially solvable breach of trust. Was the OP justified in prioritizing his feelings of safety, or should he have been more flexible to support his sister during her transition?
Here’s how people reacted:
The fact that these three people came in and had like a little party is not a coincidence that it happened while you were gone
She’s not trustworthy. Period.
Okay that’s her, she’s she’s immature, and selfish and young and she needs to be with people who are as laissez-faire about boundaries as she is…. that would not be you
But your parents making you the bad guy and pressuring you, that’s the part I don’t get. You opened her home to her and she clearly not only took advantage, she was disrespectful and then gaslighted you.
What’s the parents deal? Is she the Golden One?
Ungrateful for *what,* exactly? It’s **your home,** you have the right to make the rules and expect guests to stick to those rules.
“…and that I should support her while she’s trying to get her life started.”
Why? She is their kid, not yours, so she’s not your responsibility. Tell them they are welcome to let her move in with them, or pay for her housing. They are *not* welcome to tell you what to do in the space you pay for. NTA.
If you give in, this will continue.
Anytime I am going to have someone over I always tell him ahead of time so he doesn’t walk out of his room to someone here or get home and someone’s here.
He never set this boundary but i know he’s not a social butterfly so I minimum give a heads up.
you shouldn’t even have let her move in, it’s unrealistic to expect others to not want guests at some point
slight yta. Because I do get where you’re coming from, but it’s just unrealistic and unfair to your sister
Your sister violated the one boundary you set and there were consequences. Obviously she didn’t learn about boundaries from your parents. I hope she got the lesson.
It’s the gaslighting for me.
NTA. You aren’t obligated to house her, you chose to to be kind. She took advantage of the one rule you gave her and then also doubled-down on it and called you “embarrassing”
And I’m sorry, but your parents don’t make sense. How are you “ungrateful” and for what? That she graced you with her presence and violate your one boundary? And if she was embarrassed by you then why does she care if she got kicked out?
So now she has to find new acommodation. So I don’t really see how come you could be the AH. She was for breaking your rules
Your sister had a good deal. She blew it.
I don’t understand why your parents use the term ungrateful? Did you have some unstated debt to your sister that would balance out her violation of your boundaries.
NTA. UpdateMe
NTA, of course your parents are pissed, now she’s THEIR problem and not yours. You did nothing wrong man, hopefully this is a good lesson for her
It was her choice to break the agreement and bring it to an end.
And is she wants to hang out with friends, she can do it at their place or in a Starbucks.
NTA.
It is your place though and you can do what you want
NTA