NTA

I’m a parent. When I had my 1st baby I was petrified. Still am. Because what hammered home to me is that every decision I make is going to influence the person that my baby would become. And what hangs over my head every day is that there are going to be decisions that have lasting consequences and that I can’t undo.

And I may not know right off about what those decisions are. The fallout may not become evident for years. Which means my focus needs to be making the best choices that I can. And thinking those choices through.

Neither your father nor your stepmother should have ever sent those messages in the 1st place. What they said was vile. It was disgusting and painful and now they get to live with those consequences. If your dad had your best interest at heart he: a) would have never sent those messages and b) would have been horrified and deleted them when he realised what he had done & c) wouldn’t have left them in his phone for you to find. And yes, I do think it’s on him that he left them there knowing that he lets you use his phone.

I am so so sorry that you had to experience this pain. I am so glad that you have your mom and your stepdad.

Your dad and your stepmom apparently never learned that actions have consequences. And that’s on them.

Wow, I guess I am the only one who thinks ESH. I am going to drop some hard truths. Everyone who is in a crappy situation has made a dark humored joke. EVERYONE. It helps us cope as humans in situations we have no control over. The amount of Covid jokes I have said to make me get through this would horrify people if they found out. I do not mean them, but it is a coping mechanism.

You unfortunately overheard one of these jokes and took it seriously and personally, so much so that in 6 years you have still not let it go. Yes, they suck for saying it, but in the end, dealing with a divorce I don’t think your dad meant it. You have seen him cry over this so I do believe that he did not mean it and is seriously sorry for it.

Please think about your past. Have you ever said something that would hurt someone close to you? What would you do if someone secretly recorded you, and then aired it out to everyone. You would look like a monster. We all would.

It is up to you to forgive, but just know that if this ever happens to you, you really deserve the same treatment that you are giving.

Edit: thanks for the awards….I do not know what they mean but I appreciate it.

ESH – sorry I’m going against the grain but I think the longer you dwell on it the longer you’re gonna hurt yourself.

You were wrong to snoop, you were wrong to forward that private text message and you’ve managed to make it into something that’s severely affected your life and still is affecting your life.

You say you cannot unsee it, and it sounds like you repeatedly play the conversation in your head and in doing so marinate in your negative feelings towards your father.

this is very unhealthy. I suggest you try EMDR treatment to wash those hard feelings out of the memory. It will help release you from all of this anger.

Of of course you could continue to play it in your head, hate your father and feel like a victim. That’s totally your choice but I think you’re actively harming yourself by not working through it.

OP my opinion might differ a bit from what others have posted.

I have privatly written things in my diary about my mom that my mom read while snooping and was upset about. What i wrote was nasty and it still lingers on my mind. My mom was upset for a few days but we forgave eachother and wrote it off as collateral.

People make stupid mistakes or stupid choices that they truly can regret. There is really not much they can do to repent other than make amends and seek forgivness. It looks like your dad has appologised and wants to have you in his life.

Think about what forgivness means to you and some day if you offend someone and regret it would you want to be formgiven yourself? What would it take for you to forgive your dad? What would he need to do?

NTA. A text from your stepmom popped up while you were using your dad’s phone. Should you have read it? No. But also, you were a kid; kids snoop. You ground them for it and you move on. It’s not your fault the contents of that text were so horrible. Your father and stepmother had a responsibility to be the adults in that situation and they failed in that responsibility. Horribly so. To your dad’s credit, it sounds like he knows this was his fault.

Forgiveness isn’t something you can force. It has to come when you’re ready. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider talking to a therapist about all this. That was a traumatic thing to go through and there’s nothing wrong with getting some help processing your feelings about it.

YTA.
Sheez we’re parents, not Gods. Yes it must’ve hurt at 13 but crikey, 6 years later? I can’t wait for you to be a parent…don’t you dare criticise your children, ever! Or your future husband because he’s going to be perfect, and so are you! Just like your Mum and stepdad are now, perfect without a mean, frustrated word about you between them – yea right!
Blimmin heck girl, get over yourself for once and join reality. You sound mean and petty. I’m so very sorry for your Dad and wife’s tragic loss. I’m writing about the passing of their precious baby – you know “their child”, that “half-sibling” you referred to.
No love in your genes hmm.

NTA

You shouldn’t have snooped (or forwarded on the messages), sure, but you were 13.

> “And I can’t wait to have a kid without her awful genes mixed in.”

Your step-mom insulted your mum *and you*. And rather than defend his child from such an ugly comment he reacted with amusement.

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ETA: When I wrote this:

> You shouldn’t have snooped (or forwarded on the messages)

I meant as a general “snooping is bad, sharing snooped information is worse” sense, but in this matter where the sharing of the snooped messages was useful in sorting out the custody matter it obviously was the right thing to do.

Reading others’ text messages is basically visual eavesdropping. And you know what they say about eavesdroppers: they never hear anything good about themselves.

6 years. SIX YEARS. You were a child then, you’re an adult now, I really think it’s time you put this behind you and get on with living in the real world. Adults have conversations that children shouldn’t be party to. You inserted yourself into that dynamic with hurtful results. You punished your father by moving out, he has apparently apologized profusely …. what exactly else are you waiting for?

YTA now. It’s past time you let this go.

You don’t have to speak to your father or step mother again.

But I wonder if your mom ever said anything terrible about your father during their obviously bitter divorce? It might not have been on this scale but did you hold it against her for years?

It’s true, you can’t unsee the texts. It was a terrible thing to joke about. If they are sincere in their apologies, you might want to cautiously build some sort of relationship with them. Perhaps short term therapy might help each of you understand where the other is coming from and how you can move on (if you can),

NTA. He ruined his own relationship with you. It was dick move for him to laugh. You were 13, a little snooping can be excused. Don’t feel bad about it. You learned how they really saw you and got out of spending time with someone who alks about you like that.

You were 13, they were grown adults. They should have known better.

It wouldn’t hurt for you to ask him why he didn’t defend you. Why he allowed her to insult you. But you don’t have to.

Info: did step mom have anything to do with the divorce?

YTA

Eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves and you’ve thrown away a relationship with your dad because of a single text that you read at 13. Not only were you snooping through private correspondence you also felt that you were in your rights to send it elsewhere?

13 year old you may have had some excuse due to age. 19 year old you has no such excuse.

NTA. What a horribly hurtful thing to say, both he and his wife. You shouldn’t have read the text message, but he never should have said it in the first place. I’m so sorry, OP. I’m not sure id be able to forgive either. His wife sounds resentful that you even exist and Dad’s resentment towards your Mom is fueling a lot of it.

Ordinarily, I would say that you shouldn’t snoop but what they were saying was vile, especially your stepmother’s snipe about your mother’s genes.

They’re not sorry for what they texted. They’re sorry they were caught.

It is entirely up to you whether or not you can forgive them.

NTA.

NTA. That’s no way for a parent to talk about their child. As a mother, I would never indulge a partner at the expense of my child, even if I thought they’d never find out. That’s inexcusable.

For the record, you don’t have shitty genes, you have a shitty stepmom.

NTA she called your mom a bitch then called you half a bitch while putting her new baby on this pedestal. Then your dad laughed about it. I wonder if he’ll find it funny if the same things are said about the new kid.

NTA. You were saving them the trouble of having to interact with your mom’s “awful genes”. Even if the text was private, what kind of two faced person says that about a kid that they have in their care?

NTA, your dad should have defended you when she said that about you. I wouldn’t ever be able to have a relationship with someone who said or thought like that about my child!

What he did was cruel. And stupid.

“Sure, hon. You can borrow my phone. Just don’t look at the texts in which I trash talk you and your mom.”