NTA

> My dad’s smiling and says “surprise! It’s my wedding”. And then he says that me and his wife’s daughter are bridesmaids.

There are two reasons I can think of that he’d do this, and I think it’s obvious which of the two is the more likely:

1. He somehow thought this would be a happy surprise for you, like finding out you’re at Disney World or something 🙄
2. He knew that you wouldn’t want to participate in his wedding, but your absence would make him look bad, so he ambushed you thinking that there’s no way you’d be able to say no when put on the spot.

>I feel like all our relationships are messed up now.

I hate to say it, but if your dad thought that what he did was in any way reasonable (or, even worse, he knew that it was unreasonable and did it anyway), then your relationship was already messed up, and you just didn’t know it yet.

At any rate, your dad put you in an uncomfortable situation that you never should have been in, and he’s responsible for the fallout.

NTA

A similar situation happend to me a few years ago, but unlike yours, my mom never did anything petty but mt dad pretty much talk crap about her all the time.

He basically vanish for 4 years, then when he decided to get back in touch. He pick me up at my moms house and was like “ your cousins, aunts and uncles would like to see you” when we get to his house he was like “ ohh btw I am now married and you have two stepsibilings and this is our 4 years anniversary celebration, so you get to meet you stepfamily”

You can bet I literally lock myself in a bedroom and stayed there all afternoon using my cellphone and when was almost time to go I walk out and he started berrating me for making he look bad.

And thats one of the reasons that I do not have a relashionship with my dad anymore.

And if I were you, I would start terapy, the “relashionship” that you mom and your dad have is not healthy and my affect you latter in life.

INFO is definitely needed. Were you more upset that he was getting married or that you didn’t know? Has your mother done things in the past that would have made a secret necessary?

If your mother has a history of disruptive behavior I have more sympathy for your father, but that sympathy only goes so far depending on your age. If you are a teenager aware of your parent’s history then your father should have trusted you.

If your father did this knowing you would disapprove of the marriage that is different and far more egregious behavior.

There’s also clearly more going on based on the severity of your reaction and the lack of solutions, like another family member taking you home or just not participating. It sounds like the family dynamics are far more dysfunctional than a misguided surprise wedding. Your father clearly is in the wrong, but it’s not clear who else if anyone is at fault here.

Obviously, your dad’s an asshole for springing this on you.

> I lost my shit.

This is where I start from: you lost your shit.

Losing one’s shit almost always makes one an asshole. Being able to retain one’s shit and some level of grace is one of my signs of maturity.

I’m not saying you were wrong to be upset, extremely upset. I’m saying, you could have handled it better, somehow. Insisting on being taken back to your mom’s home, more than an hour away, by your father, was extreme. Surely there must have been a coffee shop or a café where you could hang out for an hour or two before being taken home? That would have minimized the collateral damage to all the other guests who had nothing to do with the bullshit pulled on you.

Gently, ESH.

ESH: I understand you being upset and not wanting to participate, but it was not a great move to mess up everyone else’s time. You could have just stayed outside or in the back of the hall till the wedding was over. Instead, your dad, new wife, and all the guests couldn’t go through with their plans. People throw surprise weddings and it might be shocking and upsetting but I it was unkind to ruin everyone else’s day. Would it really have been terrible to wait an hour or two for your dad to drop you? Besides, legally, it was his time with you per the custody agreement.

Your dad was being petty and did not consider how you would feel. And your step sis was out of line. But I think you were as well.

ESH. Your dad should have found a way to tell you, however, this:

>Her daughter messaged me and called me a bunch of names that my mom found out about. My mom then got her suspended from school.

makes me think you and your mom would have derailed the wedding anyway, so maybe he didn’t actually have much of a choice. And you did actually ruin the wedding; it was a suprise to you and you reacted badly, which… okay. I’m going to assume you’re young and that’s excuseable. But you then demanded your dad skip his wedding to take you home, because you could not cope with him marrying a woman you claim you liked. Basically, it looks like you and both your parents suck.

NTA. I can understand your dad not wanting your mom to find out (assuming that his fears about her making a scene are reasonable), however, he should have trusted you with the information ahead of time so you were not blindsided.

There is some work to be done to reestablish trust in this relationship. Assuming that this is the first time something like this has happened, it should be possible. If it isn’t, I don’t know.

Also, if your dad does want to mend fences, he needs to keep his wife and stepdaughter in line. I can understand them being upset, but this is between you and him (by the same token – keep your mother out of this as well).

NTA. The dress bit is what puts it over the top for me. I can’t possibly imagine how humiliated I would have felt as a teenager. Even if she wanted to play nice, there was literally nothing for her to wear. And to top it off it didn’t just not fit, it was too small. I remember all the times clothes were too small for me at the mall and how devastating that felt for my body image, especially as a young teenager. Honestly what what she supposed to do? What did he expect? Why didn’t any other adult like her aunt step in to drive her home or find her something to wear? This story is beyond terrible. It’s traumatic. Worst father ever.

NTA. I’m not sure how he expected that to go well at all? You deserved to know about his wedding and to have time to adjust to the idea as his daughter from his first marriage especially when he has SHARED CUSTODY and this would greatly impact your life. Instead he decided to keep the information from you and spring on you all at once that he was getting married and changing up your entire life when in his custody and expecting you to immediately be okay with it and hop on board with that and the fact your ENTIRE paternal family kept this a secret from you the whole time.

That’s just twenty degrees of fucked up.

Esh. Instead of forcing him to drive you back, you could have just declined the dress and instead sat in the audience. You see you’re a kid so it will be years before you realize this; he was misguided, MAJORLY, however it was his wedding day and what you did was terrible as well. Sitting in protest in the car would’ve been saner than making him drive you all the way back. Sorry kid- you were an asshole as well.

Hope you both apologize and can move forward.

ESH that was extremely selfish of your dad, and your mom sounds like a real piece of work, too. I feel pretty sorry for you having to deal with all of this. You certainly didn’t have to participate, but I do think you should have gone outside and had someone take you home after the ceremony. I feel bad for your dad’s new wife, too, who was probably excited about the day and didn’t ask for any of this.

NTA. holy hell. They surprised you with zero time to process a life changing event that will drastically alter the future of your family as you know it and told you to get over it and smile. This is not okay. I hope they have offered to path for therapy; I would start solo and move to family when you feel safe enough to process emotions in front of them again. Which may be a long while.

NTA does he understand why you reacted the way you did? It’s pretty messed up that everyone knew for months expect you. They even got you the dress size. Everything must have been overwhelming and you’re the least person to blame for anything. Does he know about how his wife and daughter are treating you now?

NTA. Your dad handled this HORRIBLY and you had every right to feel as upset and betrayed as you did. Him not wanting your mom to find out isn’t an excuse. He should have told you at the very least and allowed you to pick out a bridesmaid’s dress that was actually your size.

NTA
The sheer level of arrogance of your father to spring this on you and expect you to be happy.
I’m glad your Mum has your back, you should talk to her about amending custody if you so not want to go back to your Dads

NTA at all! He did not treat you as a person that possess their own thoughts and feelings, merely as your mothers child who might tell and cause trouble.

INFO how old are you? This affects how big of an asshole he was.

Your dad ruined his own wedding. I’m sorry things are hard for you right now. I hope there is some sort of therapy that you’re participating in because the adults in your life need to step up in a major way. NTA

NTA that’s a dick move to try and trap you and the level of stupidity to not even get you a suit that fit you so you had to suffer for the whole time is awful

INFO – if your mom had known about the wedding, would she have stopped you from going? Also how old were you when this occurred?