Caught between empathy for the struggles of others and the sting of unsolicited scrutiny, she grapples with the emotional weight of being misunderstood. This story unfolds as a powerful testament to the unseen battles waged in everyday interactions, revealing the delicate balance between self-acceptance and the impact of toxic assumptions.
I (25F) have been pretty skinny all my life. I eat healthy most of the time, exercise regularly, not consume my weight in PopTarts (a real problem in college). I also don’t think I’m better than fat people.
I think obesity is a complex issue and merely reducing the obesity epidemic to ‘Move More, Eat Less’ doesn’t take into account the socio-economic complexities, mental health issues, physical health issues, etc.
I don’t make comments like ‘OMG I’m so fat’ when I eat a slice of cake. I don’t talk about going on diets. I don’t judge other people’s food choices. I don’t really care about what you eat.
About 6 months ago, a coworker named “Diane” (40F) transferred to our office (we are “essential” so no work from home). She’s overweight and has constantly made remarks about my food choices.
If I eat a salad, she’ll talk about how I have an eating disorder and promote toxic diet culture. She’ll say my body is ‘unnatural’ and ‘real women’ have curves. One time she even tried to make a case that the reason I’m still single is because men don’t find my skinny body attractive.
Sometimes, though, she’ll do a complete 180. She’ll make remarks about how it ‘must be nice’ to be young with a metabolism like mine, or to have genetics that allow me to eat whatever I want without gaining an ounce.
Lady, weren’t you just calling me anorexic yesterday because I had a salad for lunch? This constant harassment has really been getting to me. I feel like I can’t eat in the office anymore.
I have tried to get this to stop. I have told her firmly to stop. I have told her politely to stop. I have ignored her. I even went to HR and was told this ‘wasn’t harassment’ so they ‘couldn’t do anything about it’.
Well, this all came to a head today. Ever since my first job, I have brought in ‘Spoopy’ Rice Krispie treats on the first day of October. They’re just dyed orange and green with pumpkin and Frankenstein faces on them.
I grabbed one and Diane said ‘I wish I could eat like you and still look like you.’
I said, “If you ate like me you probably would look like me’ Grabbed another and walked back to my desk. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I was the asshole, until another co-worker said that what was extremely hurtful to Diane.
When I pointed out that she had been bullying me since she got here, the co-worker told me it wasn’t the same. That it would be like using a racial slur against an African American bully.
I went too far because I can’t possibly understand the discrimination overweight women face and I should have found another way to deal with it. I’ll admit, having never been fat myself, I don’t know the full extent of discrimination against fat people and I DO NOT want to stoop to the levels of bigots.
But how else am I supposed to deal with this?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant distress due to ongoing, unwelcome commentary from a coworker regarding her body size and food choices. After repeated, unsuccessful attempts to stop the behavior through direct communication and HR intervention, the OP responded to a final comment with a sharp retort. This final action created a conflict where the OP’s justified frustration clashed with the advice of a third party that her response was disproportionate to the coworker’s perceived sensitivity.
Given the established pattern of harassment where the OP felt silenced by management, was her final, sharp response a necessary act of self-defense, or did it cross an ethical line by mimicking the judgmental behavior she initially rejected? How should an employee proceed when formal workplace channels fail to protect them from sustained, personal commentary regarding their body or habits?
Here’s how people reacted:
You addressed the comment she made to you, and corrected her. She is the one that brought up her body and eating habits. She is insecure.
Your comment was not the equivalent of using a racial slur, because you did not use any kind of slur. It might might different if you had actually called her names or criticized her body. You did neither.
I actually think what you said was milder than some of the things she has said to you. Accusing you of having an eating disorder and an unattractive body is horrible. If you had body image issues, this could be incredibly damaging, no matter how much you actually weigh.
>She’ll say my body is ‘unnatural’ and ‘real women’ have curves. One time she even tried to make a case that the reason I’m still single is because men don’t find my skinny body attractive.
Hopefully she backs off now. If she doesn’t you might be able to address the comments about your body and relationship status as sexual harassment. It would be a no brainer if it was a male coworker saying that you. You have obviously reached the point of a hostile work environment if you are uncomfortable eating at work. If it continues, try that route with HR and you may have a little more luck getting them to acknowledge that you are being harassed.
You may want to tell HR they’re wrong by the way, any commentary about your body that if unwanted is sexual harassment. HR doesn’t decide what is and is not SH the law does. Please tell your HR that you’ve notified them and due to their inaction you will need to take legal action against her as well as the company for permitting the continuation of a hostile workplace. They’ll change their time really fast.
Diane is harassing you about your body. That is not ok. On top of that, HR are not doing their fucking jobs. I hate this kinda shit. I’m overweight, ‘plain’ looking and have to say that it doesn’t matter if someone is genetically predisposed to being fat. That does not give them an excuse to be a trash bag. I also despise onlookers who watch someone be bulled for months but as soon as they finally respond, the bully cries foul and everyone is on their side. It’s emotional manipulation.
If a man walked passed you every day and commented on your body, HR did nothing and you finally reacted, would your coworkers tell you off?
NTA NTA NTA
I lost a lot of weight just through changing my diet (UK24 to a UK4/6 waist but still really curvy) and people were constantly telling me I looked great but then making snide comments about my portion sizes and how ‘lucky’ I am 🙃 like no I just worked really fucking hard to learn about nutrition and change my relationship with food
She was literally bullying you, but you shouldn’t have stooped to her level with personal insults. Unfortunately, however you play it, people will think you’re the AH, even if she brought it on herself