Caught in the crossfire of unspoken tensions and conflicting expectations, she faces the painful reality of exclusion disguised as protection. The so-called “child-free” wedding, defined by an arbitrary age limit, becomes a symbol of distance and misunderstanding—a rule that threatens to erase her presence from a moment she longs to share. In this delicate dance of family, love, and acceptance, every decision feels like a test of loyalty, and every word carries the weight of unvoiced emotions.
My (20f) brother, Nate (28m) is going to get married to his fiancee, Emily (32f) in a week. I was extremely close to my brother growing up, he’s my favorite out of all my siblings. However, when he started dating Emily, we kinda grew apart but we still talk often.
Emily, on the other hand, we don’t get along at all. She hasn’t done anything to me, I haven’t done anything to her, we just don’t see eye to eye on things.
They’re having a “child-free” wedding. But in Emily’s eyes, a child is anyone under twenty-one years old. I know, dumbass rule. Originally, I wasn’t allowed to be there for the ceremony or reception.
I told Nate how much it would hurt to not be there for his big day, so he ended up convincing Emily to let me stay for the ceremony.
We had a family dinner earlier this week and Emily brought up that she would like to have a daycare service for the children of her guests at the wedding. And somehow, she mentioned that she would love for me and my boyfriend (20m) to look over the kids.
My bf and I love children, we’re actually studying to become a teacher and pediatrician. We were on board with it until we heard that we’d be watching 40-ish kids for six hours, and only get paid $50 each.
We agreed that we’d do it for $150 each, but Emily insisted on her original offer. And then Nate got involved, saying he told Emily that we’d be happy to watch the children and it would save them a lot of money, and how it’s too late for them to find a different sitter.
The more I refused, the angrier Emily got. She proceeded to tell me that I was being a greedy, selfish brat, and that I should be paying *her* since she’d be giving me practice for my teaching career.
And then she said that if I don’t do this, I will ruin her wedding and won’t be welcome at the ceremony.
At this point, the dinner’s ruined. My bf’s uncomfortable, I’m pissed, and the entire restaurant is staring at our table because Emily’s practically screaming. We paid for our food and went home.
Now here’s where I may be an asshole. I honestly don’t care about babysitting. In fact, I would probably do it for free. My entire family knows this. That’s why they’re so mad at me right now.
My phone has been blowing up all evening, telling me that I should want to do anything that will make my brother’s wedding perfect and I’m being a childish asshole.
Sure it sucks I’ll probably not be at the wedding, but I’m sick of Emily being a bitch to me. I feel bad for putting Nate in this position and I hope this doesn’t ruin our relationship too much, but it is what it is.
I know I’m being kinda childish about this, however, I do not think I’m being an asshole. So, what do you guys think? Am I the asshole for ruining my brother’s wedding and potentially our relationship?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant pressure from their family to accept an unpaid, demanding childcare role for their brother’s wedding, driven by the demands of the brother’s fiancée, Emily. The OP feels their boundaries regarding fair compensation and respectful treatment have been violated, leading them to refuse the request, which they anticipate will cause them to miss the ceremony and damage family relationships.
Is the OP the asshole for prioritizing their self-respect and fair compensation over pleasing their family and ensuring the brother’s wedding proceeds exactly as planned under unfair conditions, or should they have complied to avoid relationship strain?
Here’s how people reacted:
First of all, the only reason most people have child-free weddings in the first place is to avoid the **disruption** that comes with having children around, which is why sometimes even older teens are exempt. The idea that a 20-year-old would be disruptive or not know how to behave at a wedding, and shouldn’t be invited as a ‘child’ makes no sense whatsoever. Excluding you in the first place is odd and petty, and pretty much indefensible.
As for asking you to take care of 40 children for 6 hours . . . that’s a HUGE responsibility, even for someone with professional training. Asking you to do it at all, while simultaneously excluding you from your own brother’s wedding is rude. Asking you to do it for $50 apiece, which is less than most pre-teen babysitters would get to watch **one or two kids** for an evening, is outrageous. And suggesting that you need “practise for your career” is . . . well, a bit offensive. You’ll have teacher’s college practicums for that. You don’t need her to do you a “favour” with a vastly underpaid wedding babysitting gig. You’re being treated incredibly disrespectfully, and the LEAST they could do is pay you a reasonable amount for the huge favour they’re asking of you.
And I think you and your boyfriend need to decline the invitation to the wedding, both the ceremony and reception. Make plans to be elsewhere.
> in Emily’s eyes, a child is anyone under twenty-one years old. I know, dumbass rule. **Originally, I wasn’t allowed to be there for the ceremony or reception**.
Remind people that Emily tried to ban you as you were under 21. At that point you could have planned to go away, what would have happened then? They’d have had to get alternate babysitters.
She didn’t want you and now you’re not going, so why is she complaining? Throw this back in your family’s face. Every. Single. Time. They were happy for you to be excluded originally (apart from your brother\*). They have no grounds to complain.
Edit to add: surprising you by telling you you’re providing childcare for the wedding **two weeks before the wedding** is not OK either. That’s not well prepared on their part. And also Nate is not showering himself with glory here. He said he ‘volunteered’ you, but never mentioned this to you.
\* also yes the brother is at fault too. He must have looked at the original guest list and initially OKd OP being excluded…
1. Nate is an ass. His fiancée is being an absolute brat to his sister and he’s doing nothing to stop it. If his wedding is ruined, they’re the cause. Not you.
2. It would appear that Nate is not as close to you as you think
3. It’s bad enough they voluntold you. How dare they plan your BF’s time for him too.
4. The fact that they’re pushing despite your refusal is a sign they’re bigger AH than we initially thought.
Don’t back down OP. Begin as you mean to go along with Emily. If you give in now, you’ll end up being the de facto doormat/sitter. Tell Nate you’re sorry to miss his wedding but you’ll be there for his next. NTA
I understand your frustration but in many ways you are being difficult on principle. You are putting your brother in an impossible position. I totally get not liking a sibling’s spouse but unless they are abusive or an addict, it is difficult to get a sibling to understand why they’re the wrong person. You should step up & do the right thing and give your family a little stress relief. Good luck!
If you are “children,” you are FAR too young to be the only ones responsible for 40 ACTUAL children – many of whom you probably don’t know and who don’t know you!
Plus – How many toddlers? Infants? Will toys or snacks be available? When happens if some children need naps?
This whole situation is a disaster waiting to happen and I’m sure you’ll both be criticized heavily for “doing it wrong” and get told you won’t succeed in your careers because you “can’t work with children.”
Do NOT be the babysitters. Do NOT attend the wedding. Ask your relatives who’d be willing to miss a sibling’s wedding to babysit? Tell them to volunteer!
And IGNORE all the criticism.
Emily is the villain, Emily is the drama and she is 100% the AH in this story. You are not a child at 20 years old and you are the grooms SISTER, in what world would you not be invited to the ceremony, that is mind blowing.
Asking you to babysit 40+ children over 6 hours for $50 isn’t “asking a favour” that is far beyond what any reasonable person would ask of another. A ratio of 2 adults to 40 kids sounds like a recipe for disaster. It’s not the bride and grooms responsibility to find a babysitter for their guests kids, especially when they clearly can’t afford to do it.
I honestly do not understand why they would want you doing this rather than enjoying the wedding with you when you are so close to the groom.
Are you by chance really attractive?
My first thought reading all of this is that your brother’s fiance specifically doesn’t want you there because she is worried you will upstage her or some shit like that
Like first it’s a childfree wedding but she considers anyone under 21 to be a child…and you just happen to be 20
When that didn’t work…she came up with the idea to get you to be the babysitters so you can’t come to the wedding because you will be busy working
I mean I just can’t come up with any other plausible scenario other than she is extremely jealous of your looks.
Frankly if your relationship with your brother goes down the toilet for this, it probably should–but because he totally failed to stand up to her and let her shit all over you.
Apart from anything else, that’s an unreasonable number of unfamiliar mixed-age kids for two people to supervise. Plus it still would have excluded you from the wedding. And the pay she offered was ridiculous.
Everything Emily asked of you was unfair and unkind. That your brother thought it reasonable is really sad. I’m sorry.
She‘s an entitled brat and your brother is an idiot for putting up with her.
Tell then to go fuck themselves and raise a glass while doing it.