But the past has a way of testing even the strongest resolve. When Mark, a relentless party-goer and bearer of temptation, arrived with bottles in hand and a challenge in his eyes, the battle to stay sober became more than a personal victory—it was a fight to protect the hard-won peace of a life rebuilt.
I’m 33 and I had a serious drinking problem since a young age. My dad was an alcoholic so booze never lacked in our house. It nearly killed me when I was only 27 and was in the ER for alcohol poisoning.
It was too close a call and after that things had to change. With my wife’s support, I went to rehab and proud to say I’ve been sober 5 1/2yrs.
My flatmate invited our friends over yesterday. It was 7 of us in total, including his friend, “Mark.” I’ve met Mark maybe 3-4 times over the last 2 years and while we’re “friendly” i honestly don’t know him that well.
But you can tell he’s a party-guy. Likes to get loud, take shots, makes gross comments sometimes, etc.
Mark brought several cases of beer and a bottle of tequila with him so everyone was drinking and having a good time.
Mark kept offering me drinks the entire night, which I’d politely decline. It’s like he made it his personal mission to get me to drink by egging me on, saying everytime I see me I’m either drinking a soda/water and it’s okay to let loose sometimes.
He resorted to teasing me into drinking, calling me “princess”; I don’t know what that had to do with not wanting to drink.
All my friends there knew what I was like before, how bad my drinking was so they kept trying to steer the conversation so he’d forget about me. But every now and then he’d hand me a shot glass or a beer and would not let it go even after telling him yet again that I didn’t want to drink.
My wife became uncomfortable with his behavior (I think she was worried I’d actually drink). She grabbed the shot glass from me, dumped it in the sink and told him to stop it already.
He looked between us and grinned like he “understood now”.
Mark joked that maybe we should get my wife drunk first, then that’ll get her to loosen up the leash she has on me. I’ll admit, that made me see red. I got in his face and told him, “actually I don’t drink because last time I did I almost f*cking died so unless you want me puking everywhere and having seizures you should shut up and leave my wife out of this.”
Wiped the smile off him real quick and he apologized. The rest of night went on and he finally left me alone.
Our flatmate did confront me in the morning because he thinks I was too honest with Mark and it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know; he was just joking around and I made him feel bad. Our other friends agree he was being too pushy and deserved being told off, my wife agrees so he’s the only one right now that’s taking Mark’s side.
He said I could’ve ignored him until he gave up instead of bringing up an uncomfortable truth from my past.
Now yes I could’ve just told Mark the truth without full details but felt that’s none of his business and a “no” should’ve been enough.
I only got carried away when he decided to include my wife in his jokes. So yes I am wondering if I was a bit of an a-hole for what I told him instead of keeping the peace.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a conflict stemming from their need to maintain sobriety after a near-fatal history with alcoholism, which was directly challenged by a guest’s persistent pressure to drink. While the OP’s friends and wife supported their boundary, the flatmate questioned the OP’s reaction, suggesting that maintaining social peace was more important than clearly asserting a serious, life-saving boundary.
Given the severity of the OP’s past addiction and the explicit nature of the boundary violation, was the OP justified in aggressively confronting Mark by revealing highly personal medical history to enforce their sobriety, or should they have employed a less confrontational strategy, such as simply ignoring the pressure, to avoid causing conflict with their flatmate?
Here’s how people reacted:
It doesn’t even sound like your mate is on Mark’s side because Mark apologised and stopped so even he realised he was being a dick
Just seems like it’s this ‘mate’ is out on his own trying to defend untenable behaviour, and I’d wager that what he’s actually upset about is “you being honest and reacting to my guest being a dick made me feel uncomfortable because I feel vicariously responsible for my friend’s social comfort to the extent that I’m willing to let you be treated like shit as long as it’s not creating any discomfort for me”
Mark was being a dick. Mark feels bad because he knows this. It’s socially appropriate for Mark to feel bad about his actions in this scenario. Feeling bad will lead Mark to reflect on what he did and will probably make him reconsider him acting this way again. It doesn’t make him a totally unsalvageably terrible person, it means his behaviour wasn’t kind or reasonable. Your friend’s need to never have Mark feel bad even when it’s appropriate isn’t going to help Mark grow and learn from these situations.
So yeah NTA, I’d even say at this point that Mark isn’t the asshole anymore, but your mate needs to reassess how he’s handling this.
If you want some language to go back to your mate with, here’s what I’d say:
“Mark was being rude all night. It’s common knowledge that some people can’t or don’t drink for private reasons – alcoholism, medication, pregnancy, religion. No one should have to disclose their private information in order to not have booze forced on them. I think you can agree that’s reasonable. I think it’s a normal and healthy response that Mark feels bad about his actions – maybe he’ll be more mindful of people’s circumstances before acting like that again. Last night you didn’t step in when your guest was repeatedly rude to me, which is on you. You could have pulled him to one side and asked him to leave it be, but you didn’t. Your discomfort at a slightly awkward social situation doesn’t outweigh my right to feel safe and not have my recovery threatened in my home.”
This is a point of personal preference (and I certainly wouldn’t say an obligation) but if I were you I’d consider whether there is some language you’re comfortable with using about drinking earlier on in situations like this so you’re not getting to the point where your night is being ruined and you and your wife are anxious and upset. Like if you’re offered a drink a second time you could say something then to signal that you don’t want to be asked.
It could be “I’m in recovery so I’d prefer if no-one offered me a drink, thanks” but also if you’d rather not disclose that (totally reasonable) then “I can’t drink for medical reasons – I’d don’t want to go into it but I’m sticking with the soft drinks”
“I don’t drink” is pretty crystal clear. You wouldn’t keep offering cigarettes to someone saying they don’t smoke, right? Or courtesans to a happily invested monarch in a monogamic relationship, right? So NTA.
If you said “I don’t want to drink”, then Mark has more leeway and you should totally excuse the second time he offered you a drink, maybe he was being polite? Even if he wasn’t, if you get offended by someone insisting once, I can somehow see why he would call you a ” princess” (though it is very disrespectfully and douchey, just be the bigger man, you know?).
For everysingle one of the other instances he insisted though, IMHMillenialO, he hammered (booze pun) the nail on the placard saying that you were NTA and then plugged a bright fluorescent neon light with a subwoofer synched via arduino to make it an audio-dynamic display with the complete soundtrack from 1999 picture extraordinaire “The Matrix”.
Edit: clearly, my comment was misinterpreted. So,
TL;DR:
NTA, if someone doesn’t understand after a ” no”, and ask again, no need to go medieval on them, if they persiste a third time though, they’ve identified themselves as inconsiderate belittling AH and should taste their own medicine.
The first time he called you a princess or tried to push alcohol on you he was a bit of an asshole.
When he continued to push alcohol on you after that point he graduated to being a proper asshole.
Ultimately, by that point if he didn’t get the hint that you didn’t want to drink, then the only way you were going to get through to him was by going completely overkill to get a proper reaction out of him. Anything less he would have just continued brushing off and ignoring.
There are always going to be people who are pushy with drinks, and learning to fend them off is something all alcoholics have to deal with if they’re going to be around people who are drinking.
Obviously mark wasn’t going to stop offering drinks and pressuring you into it,
Wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to trick you into drinking as well,
It’s a good lesson from him and maybe he’ll learn with other people
Congrats on the sobriety
That line of ‘action’ has *never* worked.
NTA
He kept pushing, you pushed back. Why is your *reaction* the issue and not his *actions*?