Woman Faces Off With Her MIL For Taking A Dig At Her Deaf Child

In a world where silence often speaks volumes, a mother’s heart beats fiercely for her daughter, a little girl born deaf who finds her voice through the graceful movements of sign language. Their family, bound by love and determination, navigates the challenges of communication, with a husband striving to bridge the gap and become the father his stepdaughter deserves.

Yet, in the warmth of a family gathering meant to celebrate togetherness, judgment casts a shadow over their unique bond. The innocent act of signing at the dinner table—an expression of connection and care—was met with misunderstanding, threatening to silence the very language that brings this family closer.

Woman Faces Off With Her MIL For Taking A Dig At Her Deaf Child

I (29F) have a daughter (6F) from a previous relationship, her father has no contact with her and my husband of 2 years (30M) is the closed to a father she has ever known.

My daughter was born deaf and communicates via BSL. I am fluent having learned alongside her and my husband while not fluent is getting there as he wants to be able to communicate with her fully and also help teach any children we have together to communicate with their older sister.

We went to his parents for an Easter Dinner, his siblings and nieces/nephews were all there and we of course brought my daughter. All the kids were very happy to get plenty of chocolate and play together, the issue rose however during dinner as my daughter kept putting her fork and knife down to sign with me and my husband to talk, it was causing her to eat slower than everyone else and my MIL asked me to tell her to not sign at the dinner table as the food was going to get cold plus it was setting a bad example and distracting for the other kids.

I got angry, I told my MIL that this is how my daughter communicates and i’m not going to make her not sign. I did encourage my daughter to continue eating before her dinner got cold but to not sign?

No…that pisses me off and makes me think of people who have tried to make my daughter play the “Quiet hands” game….aka not sign. I told my MIL the only way she could ask that of my daughter is if she told everyone else not to talk at all.

We ended up leaving a little early and my husband while supportive of me has tried to tell me that his Mother didn’t mean any real harm and she doesn’t get why this would be a sensitive topic.

I’ve refused to speak to my MIL since that dinner and won’t until she apologises, my husband thinks i’m being a bit too harsh and I need to be the one to reach out with an olive branch on this matter but I can’t help but feel if this had been her biological grandchild who was deaf she wouldn’t have said something so insensitive or implied it was a distraction and bad example.

Here’s how people reacted:

morningmint

NTA

There is really no amount of reflection or analysis needed to understand why this request was harmful and discriminatory. A child could probably easily understand that not allowing a deaf person to sign means you are not allowing them to talk. There’s no way that your MIL “didn’t mean any harm.” It’s clear she doesn’t care about the effect on your daughter, and whether she is able to engage like everyone else, only that MIL has control over the dinner table.

Good for you, you sound like a great mom.

Is this a common theme with your MIL, though? Not necessarily that specific request, but just not bothering to accommodate or engage your daughter?

cookie64248

NTA. It’s not her fault that she is deaf. She shouldn’t not be allowed to sign unless no one else is talking. Also the quiet hands game is really bad and people who try and “Play” the quiet hands game is absolutely \*\*DISGRACEFUL.\*\*Edit: Common question: What is that game. Basically it’s a “game” where people don’t use their hands like signing stuff. So people who use their hands to communicate can’t do anything. It’s a really bad thing to treat kids like this. Edit Number 2: I’m glad that this is getting the awareness it needs.

EntertainmentOk6284

Nta, at all. Asking her to eat diner before it get’s cold is fine. But unless she asks all the kids to stop talking is not okay.

Also: this is her step grandchild now. Is she learning the basics of BSL? Or will she just wait for other kids to be born so she can be a grandma whilst ignoring her step grandchild?

I would ask for a meeting between adults, express your feelings and discuss how grandma will learn about ableism and learn about your daughter’s needs.

Askitz

NTA. Mum of a hard of hearing teen that uses Auslan (Australian sign language). Some people need a serious lesson in Deaf culture and how sign language users were oppressed and abused as children for signing. Not allowing a child to communicate in their known language is abuse and anyone trying to stop the communication is an abuser.
You are a great mum and keep backing up your girl.

nerothic

NTA. Your daughter ‘talks’. I can understand that this way of communicating attracts attention but not allowing a child to communicate while other children can is plain rude.And how the heck can your daughter set a bad example? I would love to know the mental gymnastics on this one.

I do think not talking to her is a bit much whilst having a conversation might help.

Primary-Criticism929

NTA.

But do you actually think that if we were talking about a biological grandchild, she would not have had that behaviour ? I don’t.

Honestly, it sounds like your husband’s family has made no effort to learn sign language. Why should your daughter spend time with them if they make no effort to include her ? Stand your ground on this.

ack_the_cat

NTA unless she was willing to ask everyone at the table to not talk. Husband should explain to his mother why it’s a big deal to basically tell one child that she’s a distraction and to be quiet and eat her dinner while the rest of the kids are allowed to talk and interact during dinner with everyone else.

tnannie

NTA and your husband needs to find his spine so he can stand up to his mother.

If your MIL behaves this badly on “her turf”, I’d only host dinners at my house, or not eat with her at all.

It wasn’t your bad behavior that caused this. She should be the one to extend the olive branch.

Express-Beach-8020

NTA. Protect your kid at all costs. If MIL is inconvenienced by your daughter signing causing her to eat slower, then she should have calculated in more time. Don’t apologise first, don’t do anything that will decrease the support to your kid, and tell your husband to do the same.

DogsReadingBooks

NTA. Your MIL is, of course, the major asshole here. However I think that your husband really needs to get himself together as well. He needs to have your back. He doesn’t, right now. He just wants you to “keep the peace”. He needs to have a serious conversation with his mum.

bendytoepilot

NTA If she had only said she didn’t want your daughter to eat cold food then I would understand where she was coming from but to say signing is distracting and a bad example to the other kids is completely wrong and blatant discrimination. You are right to be angry.

tippytappy04

NTA. She was trying to shut your daughter up by cutting her line of communication. Unless she told everyone to shut up and eat then she’s the major ahole for trying to silence a child whose deaf.

Relevant-Orchid-4437

NTA. It wasn’t about her food being cold. Saying that a deaf child trying to communicate is “bad manners” and “distracting” is disgusting. Your husband should be asking HIS MOM to apologize.

Vargoroth

NAH. I don’t think your MIL intended anything malicious. Just to make sure your daughter cleans her plate. I get why you’d be offended, but this isn’t something to fight over.

guinness-and-cheddar

NTA.

If the other children are allowed to talk at the table, but MIL expects your daughter to sit without communicating, your MIL is a massive asshole.

Maleficent_Tart2923

I cannot *fathom* asking a deaf person not to sign. How incredibly insulting. NTA, OP, and good for you standing up for your kid!

I_was_saying_b00urns

NTA. If she “didn’t mean anything” by it, then she can do what grownups do when we unintentionally cause hurt and apologise.

photosbeersandteach

NTA. Most people, if they did not understand why it was a sensitive issue, would apologize once it was explained to them.

Conclusion

The original poster (OP) reacted strongly when her daughter’s method of communication (British Sign Language, BSL) was criticized at a family dinner by her mother-in-law (MIL). The central conflict lies between the OP’s need to fiercely protect her daughter’s right to communicate naturally and the MIL’s expectation of traditional table manners, which ignored the daughter’s unique needs.

Should the OP maintain a firm stance, refusing contact until an explicit apology is made regarding the insensitivity shown toward her daughter’s communication needs, or should she prioritize repairing the relationship with her husband’s family by extending an olive branch first, acknowledging the MIL’s lack of understanding?