As the shadows of doubt grow longer, the fragile threads of their union begin to fray, revealing the painful truth that sometimes love alone cannot bridge the gap between two souls destined to walk different paths.
My (27F) sister (32F) is currently in the process of divorce started by her husband (40M). They were married for a total of 2 years. The problem started with BIL wanting his own biological kids (I’ll explain later) and my sister not wanting them.
She was always against having kids but the moment they started seeing each other, she started making certain changes about herself. He had the courtesy of telling quite early where he wanted the relationship to go and my sister at that point went from no to maybe to one day and then yes.
They got married but maybe the realization finally hit her when we went to meet our cousin who had given birth. Yes, a new mothers body is not exactly the epitome of sexy because pregnancy does things to a mothers body.
I could tell sister was detracting and it was still early in the marriage when I asked her to reconsider and end the marriage now before its too late. She was adamant that she wanted a child but I could tell she was flaky.
She never talked o me but she would talk to our mother and I would hear from her how BIL was still going on about wanting a child but she is not feeling like wanting a child anymore.
Oh Boy.
A month ago, BIL reached his limit and finally asked sister to be upfront and she straight up told him she does not want to be a mother and started offering alternatives like adoption.
BIL did not want to hear any of that and sister came to live with us. As to why BIL wants biological children? He was previously married and has 2 children and he found out that neither of them are biologically his.
He pays child support but does not see the kids anymore, Understandable. Sister also knew this but maybe love blinds people.
She is here bawling her eyes out because BIL has started the divorce proceedings and does not want any sort of compromise. Parents have been giving BIL shit for days now and so is sister now about how stubborn he is and wish he could see it before.
It got annoying to a point where I told her that it was her fault that she was not ready, lied to him and now expect him to accommodate, fully knowing his side and that her foolishness impacted the life of 2 people.
Now they are angry at me for “taking his side”. AITA? If so, what can I do to make it right. I am not going to retract my words because they are exactly what she did.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is dealing with the fallout of her sister’s admitted deception regarding her desire for biological children, which has led to the sister’s husband initiating divorce proceedings. The central conflict lies between the sister’s late change of heart and her expectation that her husband should compromise on a fundamental life desire, especially since she knew his past reasons for wanting biological children.
Given that the sister knowingly misled her husband about a core life decision only to change her mind later, is the OP justified in holding her sister accountable for the resulting divorce, or should the OP prioritize supporting her sister emotionally over pointing out her responsibility in the conflict?
Here’s how people reacted:
You’re all assuming that the sister knowingly lied about wanting children when the reality is she could have just changed her mind again. It’s not unheard of for people to change their life plans. I feel like this is the same narrative of women “trapping” men. BIL knew your sister didn’t want children at the beginning, it’s not like she swore up and down she’s always wanted to be a mom and then years down the line was just like “lol you fell for that, I lied all along muahaha”. It sounds like your sister came around to the idea of kids because she saw how important it was to BIL but when faced with the reality of the huge sacrifice that childbearing and child rearing would be she decided it was too high a compromise. Sounds like she spent some time talking that out with your mom. Once she knew for sure she was honest about it. I don’t see how that possibly makes her the ah. It doesn’t sound like sister’s choices were nefarious or intentionally lies.
They didn’t have matching life goals so it is fair for them to part ways. It’s fair for your BIL to want kids, it is fair for your sister to decide that isn’t what she wants after all.
Now onto you, you suck the worst of all. First of all the comments about your cousin’s post-partum body not being sexy is super gross. Is that what your sister said or is that the reasons you you decided the reality of children was too daunting for her? You haven’t given any info on why you think your sister was lying all along but you pretty clearly outline that meeting your cousin made her rethink. Do you think women are not allowed to change their minds about reproductive choices? Like do you think the only way for her to still be right once she had doubts was to purposefully and willingly get pregnant, give birth, and raise children she doesn’t want to keep BIL happy? Women aren’t brood mares.
In light of this I don’t understand why you thought it was your business at all. No one asked for your negativity when in reality no one is at fault for the marriage not working out. You did pick a side when you could have just said nothing.
It actually isn’t understandable at all that BIL doesn’t see children for whom he has legal custody tbh. There’s 2 kids so at the very least he spent two years raising them. I get that it’s humiliating to be cheated on but what kind of person abandons children they raised to whom they are legally entitled to? What kind of person are you that you think it’s totally understandable to leave children behind that you raised over hurt feelings? When my mom and my step dad went on a break my step dad spent all night crying with my brother because they were potentially not going to live together anymore. Decent people love the children they raise. I’ve seen a lot of step parents cry after a breakup that the most painful part is they have no legal right to the children they love and have raised. All your bil has shown is he is willing to abandon a child under the right circumstances, I fail to see how he is a stand up guy.
Your sister definitely SHOULD have been honest. This is a situation of her own making because she tried, out of love, to want something she does not want.
However, you didn’t NEED to say that. You didn’t need to rub salt into her wounds, and you’ve done her no favours for it.
Your parents need to stop blaming BIL. He doesn’t have to forego biological children just because she doesn’t want them. He’s not wrong for making this choice. He’d only be wrong if he tried to force her into pregnancy after she’d outright said no. He didn’t. She made herself clear, so he left. That’s unfortunate, but that’s all it is.
Real, true support does not come from blasting the other person for the things they want for themselves. Less focus on him, more on her.
And you, learn to read a room. Tact is a valuable resource, and given that this is a sensitive subject you should take your hint from that and be SENSITIVE. There is nothing at all to be accomplished from telling her truths like that.
You SHOULD apologise. Not because you stated something untrue, but because you were -unwittingly or otherwise- cruel to a family member who is already suffering.
First, who are you to say that it was her fault at this current moment? That is one of the most unkind things you could have possibly done and you suck for that. There is a time and a place and this was not the time to play the blame game in someone else’s life and decisions. You are so unsympathetic in your post and it is a shame you a treating your sister this way when society tells women they should have children. MANY women grapple with this and heaping your own pressure and blame on only increases the fire. You should indeed apologize.
Your sister sucks to a varying degrees because she found someone the loved and tried so hard to want something she didn’t deep down that she convinced herself and other people. She sucks for not being honest with herself and therefore her husband, but really society is to blame for putting so much pressure on women to have children
Her husband sucks because it is more than likely that she said she didn’t want children and then he tried to change her mind, consciously or unconsciously. He should have broken it off from the get go the moment she said she didn’t want children before more feelings got involved.
He knew she didn’t want children. IF it was that important to him, I feel he should have had multiple discussions about it with her before they got married. He should have expressed this is a deal breaker before.
My husband wanted children, and I didn’t. The night before our wedding, I brought it up again. I didn’t want my desire to be childless to lead to a divorce. He responded, I want to marry you, not a baby machine. For me, it 100% would be a deal breaker to get married and then pressured into having children. He said he was okay with not having them. I still doubled, tripled, etc checked. So I feel like if I could do that, he should have done that.
Likewise your sister should have considered the ramifications of marrying an older man who wanted children.
You shouldn’t put yourself in the middle of other peoples marriages. when you do YATA. Even if you were on her side, fate would have them make-up. YATA because you didn’t support her husband and speak up.
Whether someone wants a child or not is a very personal matter. There’s an excellent chance she did change her mind, people do it all the time. Is it bad that BIL has been hurt by this? Yes, it’s bloody awful. Does that mean she intentionally lied? Well, not necessarily. A lot of people will make exceptions to their feelings/wants for the sake of their partner, or believe they want the same. From what you’ve written, it sounds like seeing your cousin was what made her realise she didn’t want to have kids, and she came clean when she was asked by her husband.
It sounds like you kicked her while she was down, whether intentional or not. It’s a deal-breaker for BIL, as much as I’m sure he’s hurting, he was clear about that. They’re both going to be hurting for a while over this divorce. Telling her it’s her fault they’re getting divorced is just going to make her feel worse, and it doesn’t benefit anyone.
Edit: Thanks for the award 🙂 Also, amended some grammar
I fully understand your BIL wanting a divorce, since they both want different things, but maybe try comforting instead of accusing your sister because she is going through a divorce and probably needs support. You might be TA, depending on if she intentionally lied or not.
Edit: And some are saying she knew he wanted children and still married him, but it’s also the other way around. He knew she didn’t want children but still married her.
You obviously don’t like your sister. You are the one that has been mooching off your parents living at home, and you don’t want your sister there. Your parents are helping your sister, and your sister’s divorce was between her and BIL. Where the hell do you get off on inserting yourself into her situation? It’s apparent from the fact that BIL wouldn’t consider adoption or a surrogate that he married your sister to get a baby-making machine, not a life partner. He definitely sucks for that, and I wouldn’tbe surprised if he manipulated sister into changing her mind about kids. Your sister is hurting and you are making a lot of assumptions about how and why she changed her mind on biological kids. Instead of posting on Reddit about how much you think your sister sucks, you should be exploring why you dislike her so much with a therapist.
Is this info first hand or are you making assumptions based on second hand info?
How do you know that sister lied rather than just changing her mind? How do you know that she didn’t clearly communicate her doubts? Do you know if BIL pressured her to agree to children originally?
Why is it understandable to abandon children you raised who see you as their father?
What house are you all in? Are sister and parents staying with you or are you living in your parents home?
Did anyone ask your opinion or did you just offer unsolicited negativity for no reason?
Why do you think your sister doesn’t get to be sad about her marriage ending?
She lied to her husband by pulling a bait and switch on him. That’s really shady. She’s getting what she deserves for doing that and just can’t accept that. All you did was tell her the truth.
These aren’t the types of things you can just change your mind on when you marry someone, at least without consequence. She needs to commit one way or another because waffling on something as high gravity as this will doom her relationships to failure now and in the future. Props to you OP for giving your sister a hard dose of reality.
How do you know that your sister wasn’t lying to *herself* and telling her husband what she believed was true at the time?
Given what you have said about her freaking out about what pregnancy does to a woman’s body and suggesting adoption, it sounds like your sister is opposed to giving birth, not to having children, and maybe she initially thought she could push past that fear for something she wanted with her husband.
I’m going to go with NTA. I do think you opened yourself up to a lot of grief from your family and I don’t think there’s anyway around that.
I don’t know. Sometimes people just need to wallow a little in their misery without someone going “it’s your fault”.
YTA
So it seems to me like she doesn’t have a lot of positive people in her life to sort through things with. It seems like she has people who berate and judge her. No wonder she can’t go through a process of deciding what she actually wants, you make her feel bad. Probably not the first time.
You are an abusive A H; she should cease all contact with you.
” If so, what can I do to make it right.” – You are also a dishonest A H when you ask that while stating that you will not apologize. YOu KNW waht you should do, you just do not want to.