As the months dragged on, grief weighed heavily on his soul, yet amidst the darkness, a fragile light began to flicker. Encouraged by Anna’s parents and fortified by faith and healing, he dared to open his heart again, finding love in Katie—a new chapter born from the echoes of a painful past, reminding him that life, even after loss, can still bloom.
About a year ago, my ex-girlfriend (I’ll call Anna) was involved in a terrible car accident. She received over 20 injuries (lacerated liver, broken ribs, punctured lung, bruised lung, left foot torn off, just to name a few).
She had to be flown to the city to receive treatment. I was devastated to hear her go through this. Despite all the efforts, she was kept on a ventilator (per her parents wishes) and never woke up.
After months of visiting Anna, sitting by her, I was getting drained. Her parents eventually told me (in a very kind way) that she would want me to find someone new and that I shouldn’t let this be the end of my ‘dating career’ (I am 20yo).
So after a lot of therapy and reaffirming my belief and faith in God, I put myself back out there. I eventually met a new girl who I loved (Katie), and I saw a lot of traits in her that I saw in my ex.
A few days ago (May 2), the parents decided to pull her off life support. At first I was extremely upset, but realized Anna would want this; to end her suffering and her families). Katie knew about Anna and it was no surprise to her I wanted to be there when she was taken off life support.
When I got there, I kissed Anna’s forehead, ran my hands through her hair, and told her I loved her. After the doctors removed her tube, it was extremely emotional for all the family and me.
I kissed her again (on her lips, and just whispered again “I love you”).
At the funeral I gave her a eulogy (which Katie attended) and told Anna again “I love you.”
After the funeral, Katie was angry with me. She asked what I meant when I said “I love you, Anna.” Then I told her about the kiss because I felt guilty. Now, Katie is now super pissed at me.
She is staying with her parents and said I cheated on her. This was not my intention at all though, I just wanted Anna to know (if she was even conscious) that I loved her, and would see her again.
The kiss was not ‘romantic’ or ‘sexual’, it was just a final goodbye, I wanted more than to just touch her hand once last time.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing severe conflict because their expression of final love and respect for a deceased ex-girlfriend, Anna, through physical gestures like kissing, has been interpreted as infidelity by their current partner, Katie. The OP acted out of a deeply emotional need for closure and to honor a past relationship, which clashes directly with Katie’s expectations of fidelity and emotional focus in their current partnership.
Was the OP’s final goodbye to Anna, including a kiss on the lips, an act of necessary grief and closure, or did it cross a line into emotional betrayal of the current relationship with Katie? Should the OP prioritize their need for final closure over Katie’s feelings of being disrespected or cheated on?
Here’s how people reacted:
Also, yeah, if I was your new GF I would be supremely uncomfortable about how much you were saying I love you to your dead ex of less than 1 year. If I were her I would be fairly certain you were not over her, and feel like a replacement.
>I eventually met a new girl who I loved (Katie), and I saw a lot of traits in her that I saw in my ex
Especially considering this line.
Yes, showing genuine emotion over the death of someone close is appropriate. Yes, maybe an emotional “I love you” would make sense in that situation. But you kissed your dead GF multiple times, in front of her fmaily, and then continued to talk of your love of her in a eulogy.
You may have meant **ALL** of that platonically. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. But even still, that is a lot for a GF you’ve had less than 6 months to accept- her feeling like a replacement makes sense and I do not blame her.
>The kiss was not ‘romantic’ or ‘sexual’, it was just a final goodbye, I wanted more than to just touch her hand once last time.
You were simply saying good bye to a loved one. Which is an important part of grieve.
While I think Katie is overreacting, I can see where she’s coming from. It’s definitely not easy to hear your boyfriend say that he loves another woman.
Maybe you could have told her what you’re going to say before saying it publicly.
But the context is key here. Love isn’t just one thing. I’ve loved my boyfriend, I love my best friend, I love my sister.
Tell her what you told us (what I quoted). If she comes around, I don’t see an asshole here.
If she doesn’t, then I’d lean towards here being the AH.
Give her some space, and then try to talk things out. It’s probably been an emotional rollercoaster for her as well.
Good luck, and I am very sorry for your loss.
You’re kind of the asshole for getting involved with someone new before you were ready. A year may seem forever at 20 but it’s really not that long of a time period in the big scheme of things.
You have a right to grieve and telling Anna that you love her is a part of that.
Katie has a right to feel what she’s feeling which is probably a big hit of reality that you aren’t ready for a new relationship.
Cheating may seem too far as some people want to point out Anna was a “dead girl” but I’m gonna guess that it’s more of a response to feeling emotionally cheated on/ feeling second best.
To be honest I think you’d be better off getting through the grieving process on your own then letting a new relationship act as a crutch. It’s better to enter relationships on a clean slate than constantly carrying baggage from one to the next.
You got in a relationship when you weren’t ready. It happens. But think if you were in her shoes how it would feel. You could talk to her and set things straight, and you should apologize and explain everything once stuff cools down.
I honestly think you should grieve and allow yourself to move on from your ex. My condolences and I hope you’ll find peace.
Edit: Didn’t see the cheating part. She’s edging towards TA but I think she’s hurt in her own way.
It’s just a hard situation. you love 2 people, and that’s going to hurt your girlfriend. You have to let one of those loves go, and that is hard. Your girlfriend sees your love for someone else, hurting her, making her emotional. I hope it’ll work out in the end. truly. shitty situation.
Edit: thank you for the silver and gold, kind redditors. Now I just need to convince reddit to make a bronze award and I’ll have a full house!
Tough call on the judgement. It sounds like you probably started dating again too soon. Could be NAH, YTA, or NTA depending on the details.