In this delicate dance of family and identity, the daughter-in-law chooses honesty over silence, demanding space to live authentically in her own home. But as walls close in and old values meet new ways, the true test emerges—not just of tolerance, but of understanding, compassion, and the possibility of harmony beyond the clash.
My mother-in-law moved in with us about three months ago. It’s been ok. She and I are clashing personalities and cultures, and it’s come up more often now that we share a similar space.
She is a traditional Hispanic woman with a strong sense of decorum and family hierarchy. I am white, liberal in all ways, and agnostic about most traditions, including and especially the need to obey elders.
Before, out of consideration to my spouse and out of a belief in the my “my house, my rules adage,” I used to watch what I said around her very carefully because we only visited with her about once a month.
But when my spouse asked if she could live with us, I said I was okay with it as long as I no longer had to walk on eggshells around her. My spouse agreed and told their mother that she needs to respect that we do and say things differently in our home than she may like.
I don’t know how her mother responded to that but it never came up again.
Last week, my 10-year-old and I were chatting while having breakfast while she was in the kitchen. We were goofing around and making bodily function sounds to each other. We are very mature, I know.
But when I said, “I fart in your general direction!” and made a loud raspberry sound at her (she was giggling like crazy), my mother-in-law slammed down her coffee mug and said, in Spanish, “Don’t you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful.
I will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer.” And I said, in English (I can understand Spanish but can’t speak it well), “This is my home. You don’t get a say in how I interact with my kids, or how any of us speak or act.” She stormed away and now isn’t speaking to me.
My spouse says ITA because I embarrassed her in front of our daughter and because I expected her to accept too much, too quickly. They also say that I am being a little culturally insensitive and that I need to respect that abuela will be deeply offended by how I spoke to her, so I need to apologize.
But I think it was important for her to see that I will stand up for our interactions/myself and also to stick to what we originally agreed on–that I won’t be policed in my own home.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict between maintaining their established household rules and personal behavior, and respecting the deeply held cultural traditions and authority expectations of their mother-in-law (MIL). The OP feels justified in upholding the agreement that they would not have to censor themselves in their own home, leading to a breakdown in communication with the MIL.
Given the clash between the OP’s expectation of freedom within their home and the MIL’s cultural understanding of decorum and hierarchy, the core question remains: When cohabitating, which household standard takes precedence when direct conflict arises between the host’s behavior and the guest’s cultural expectations, and is immediate, firm defense of personal interaction more valuable than rapid, short-term cultural appeasement?
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA
The moment she decided to live with you is the moment she agreed to letting you choose how you live. Family or not, she has no say in your home, no matter the cultural background.
If anyone should apologize it’s her for raising her voice out of nowhere (potentionally scaring your daughter while she was having fun) and claiming it’s her home. Especially after this had been agreed:
>But when my spouse asked if she could live with us, I said I was okay with it as long as I no longer had to walk on eggshells around her. My spouse agreed and told their mother that she needs to respect that we do and say things differently in our home than she may like.
Speaking as a Hispanic myself, my parents fully understood that once i got married and moved out of their home after college they could no longer tell me what to do or how i should manage my household. When they come to visit they are very respectful and always ask me permission to use my kitcken or offer to help clean the place. They only care that i remain respectful to them, in terms of adressing them as parents and not treating them like friends. Same thing with my wife’s parents (who are also Hispanic). Not once have i had my father in law tell me how to run my home and my mother in law only now and again offers suggestion on our diet or things we should think about in terms of finances but she only ever does so respectful. Abuela is clearly overstepping her bounderies here. That is not her home and she is not the mother. If anything she has been disrespectful to you as the man of the house!
BUT – talk to your wife. Don’t let this become a bitter fight, don’t make her choose between your and her mother. That’s cruel. Try to work something out with her, you shouldn’t have to apologize for being a good dad, but do try and empathize with your wife and be kind to her as she’s in a difficult situation being pulled between her mother and her husband.
> “Don’t you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. I will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer.”
She needs to respect your house, maybe she doesn’t like it, but she needs to have a conversation with you like an adult and not just go off like that to you. Even if it was her house, there are ways to go about things, and she did it all wrong. She’s acting more immature than any one.
Tell your wife
“I will not apologize, I am a grown man, this is my house, I will not be told what I can and can not teach my own daughter. Her yelling at me that I cannot do something with my daughter is insanely disrespectful. Being older, being of a different culture, does not give anyone the right to tell someone what they can and cannot do in their own home, with their own child.”
As long as you’re not maliciously trying to offend her, she’s just butthurt and needs to buckup.
Edit: Holy shit my comment blew up over night. Glad we still have a lot of sensible people on this sub.
And thanks for my first gold, Anon!
>”Don’t you dare teach my granddaughter to be so disrespectful. I will not allow this kind of vulgarity in my home any longer.”
“So when are you moving out?”
Seriously, I’d be kicking her out every time she tries to exert her nonexistant authority. Stand up for yourself, and don’t back down to either your wife or her mother.
She said it like she’s owning your house, but she’s not, and that’s really offlimits.
You dont need to walk on egg shells in your own house only to avoid being labelled “culturally insensitive”.
Its your home, your house and your culture and your mother-in-law needs to adapt to you.
I don’t think YTA because the MIL is overstepping here, big time. Maybe you could’ve handled it better if you spoke to her alone but I don’t think you behaved unreasonably at all given the circumstances
Not only did your M-I-L tell you how to treat your kids, but she said in *her* house. How did she think that’d go?? It’s your home, she’s just occupying space and wasting oxygen.