Caught between the roles of a parent and a man, he grappled with the sting of rejection disguised as humor, while his wife’s laughter only deepened his silent pain. In that moment, the fragile balance of family warmth and personal hurt collided, leaving him questioning how to heal the invisible wounds inflicted by those he loves most.
Yesterday at dinner, my daughter (15f) was telling my wife (40f) and I (45m) about a guy she likes in school and she thinks he likes her back. My wife and I were happy for her and I would support her liking anyone that treats her right and makes her happy.
She was telling us how he’s smart, funny, and has a great 6-pack (I’m used to the girl talk). My wife laughed and said something along the lines of, “as long as he’s a good person”.
My daughter replied, “Well yeah, but looks are also important. I don’t want to end up with someone like daddy.” I asked her what she meant by that. I don’t remember her exact words but it was along the lines of that I’m round, bald and short.
There was no immediate just kidding from her.
I told her that that wasn’t a nice thing to say to and that she should apologize. Before she said anything though, my wife chimed in teasing that guys were always so sensitive. My daughter laughed.
I usually would immediately address this kind of situation, but I was pretty upset and didn’t want to scream or cry (I know that’s so lame). I stayed mostly silent for the rest of dinner.
I’ve recently been feeling more self conscious. I’m not ugly (even if I was, I have other qualities to make up for it!) and I know that my wife adores me, but I’ve definitely noticeably gained some weight and lost some hair.
My wife is as stunning and youthful as the day I met her, and my daughter is the spitting image of her. However, I have a feeling that if my daughter insulted her appearance she would be very offended and expect me to back her up.
Before bed, I addressed the issue with my wife. I explained that it hurt my feelings, that I want to teach my daughter to be kind to others, and that it would mean a lot if we could both talk to my daughter about why saying that was not right.
My wife didn’t take me seriously at all. Among the things she said was that the best way to make someone stop teasing you is to ignore it (I don’t want to treat my daughter like a middle school bully!), and that she (my wife) was also materialistic at that age but grew out of it on her own.
She also said that I was asking for it by asking her what she meant. I told my wife that I was disappointed in her and I would be talking to my daughter alone when she comes home from school today.
I plan on talking to my daughter today, both because I’m still offended and I really dont want her to say that to anyone else. I don’t plan on punishing her, just having an honest conversation and seeing where it goes.
Nonetheless, I’m partially wondering if I’m the asshole for escalating the situation since it’s a one-off occurrence?
Conclusion
The father experienced significant hurt after his daughter made critical remarks about his physical appearance, which were amplified by his wife’s minimizing response. The central conflict lies between the father’s need for validation, respect, and unified parenting concerning personal boundaries, and the daughter’s casual application of superficial standards, compounded by the wife’s perceived dismissal of his feelings.
Is the father overreacting to a thoughtless comment made by his daughter, or does this moment represent a necessary teaching opportunity about respect and kindness that requires both parents to present a united front against superficial judgment?
Here’s how people reacted:
It can take time getting used to the fact you are realistically a middle aged unattractive fat man, you aren’t a studmuffin anymore. It’s tough if you’ve enjoyed being a “dreamboat” in your past, it’s a bit of a fall from grace, but you’ve had 45 years to try and find self worth in other things. Your daughter for her own sake should learn to not be so rude, to have better social grace and be more conscious of other peoples feelings, but I believe you mostly need to work on getting yourself to a place where something like that is water off a ducks back because you’re a grown man in all his fat bald glory and you’re bigger and better than “being cute” now. Genuinely chuckling and rolling your eyes with truly no bump to your impenetrable fortress of an ego should be the goal here. That’s where you want to be as a man at 45.
It would be weirder if your daughter thought short balding fat 45 year old men were sexy. At that age it’s all about the 6 packs and being lean and having long hair and saying “whatever” and riding a skateboard and wearing a leather jacket or whatever the hell kids are into these days, it’s not your concern. Like I said you’re an actual grown man so you’re above it.
You asked and she answered. If you were talking about someone older then maybe I would expect some tact. I would expect that they just say “You aren’t my type” and keep things moving. But you asked a 15 year old why she wouldn’t want to be with someone like you and she responded with her truth. I’m not gonna call her an asshole when it seems like she meant nothing more that to answer you truthfully because you’ve built a safe space where she felt like she could.
I feel like speaking with her about why she shouldn’t tell someone that they are fat, bald, and short is far game because poor tact can cause a lot of problems when you are an adult. And if you tell her you are offended then she’ll probably apologize but she meant what she said. Furthermore, I do think that in escalating this situation, you will likely be excluded from the “girl talk” from here on.
She probably wouldn’t say this if she was the one being teased.
“and that she (my wife) was also materialistic at that age but grew out of it on her own.”
But she obviously hasn’t grown out of it & seems to have passed on the trait to your daughter. Besides, that’s not being materialistic, its being superficial. Both traits are just as unattractive.
“She also said that I was asking for it by asking her what she meant.”
Victim blame much?
NTA. A good talk is definitely in order not just with your daughter but with your wife too.
Just don’t be emotional about it. It might make a fight.
NTA
To focus on every cloud having a silver lining, she won’t be bringing any middle aged men home any time soon.
Going for NAH.
That said, your daughter shouldnt be calling anyone ugly, and your wife shouldnt be condoning it. That’s something to address.
Neither your daughter nor your wife realize that their words hold meaning and just because they can throw words out doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt.
>She also said that I was asking for it by asking her what she meant.
Asking for what exactly? Asking to be called ugly? 🚩🚩
Wtf is wrong with the two of them?
Go in there and call them fat and then when they freak out and get upset say that women always get so easily offended. That’ll showcase their hypocrisy.
> I don’t plan on punishing her
Why not? That’s how children learn, consequences.
What your daughter said was totally rude and uncalled for. And your wife shouldnt be so okay with her saying that either.