What began as hopeful plans turned into a confrontation with hard truths, as he laid bare the numbers that shattered illusions. The dream of moving to X country now stood overshadowed by the cost of fleeting indulgences, forcing them both to face the painful question: can love survive when desires outpace means?
My (25M) girlfriend (23F) has always talked about how it’s her dream to move to X country. She brought it up on our first date (we’ve been together for a year and some change) and has mentioned it practically every other day since.
At the beginning, I went along with it, told her how cool it would be, we talked about if I would go with her, how crappy our current country is (I’m an expat and she’s a local), etc etc.
Recently, however, every few times she mentions it, I’ll bring up her spending habits. In the time we’ve been together, she’s spent around 8,000USD+ of her own money (plus her credit cards) on a few high ticket items.
The last time she brought it up we sat down and calculated how much money she’d need to save to get started.
After we had the number, I started calculating something else. Balenciaga shoes + LV bag + Gucci sunglasses etc etc until we came up with the number she needed to move and told her it’s never going to happen if she keep buying expensive things.
She’s called me TA, that I’m trying to control her money, I’m trying to humiliate her, make her feel “small” and it’s none of my business what she buys, and of course all of her friends are saying the same thing.
IMO she could have made her dream come true long ago, and I was only trying to lay it out for her.
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) is facing conflict because he attempted to directly link his girlfriend’s current spending habits to the feasibility of their shared future goal of moving abroad. The girlfriend perceives this intervention as controlling and humiliating, leading her to feel her autonomy over her personal finances is being unjustly challenged by the OP.
Is the OP justified in linking his girlfriend’s discretionary spending to her stated long-term relocation goal, or has he overstepped by making her personal financial choices a subject of joint judgment and criticism?
Here’s how people reacted:
I am a woman myself and i know that women tend to compensate stress and pressure (i’m x years already, i have the dream of Y, i haven’t achieved any step towards that yet…) with spending – be it clothes, a hobby or “stuff”.
Nevertheless, i also know that men tend to wanting to “provide solutions” when their girlfriends complain about a problem – which is a very nice and good thing to do! However, esp with topics like that, men tend to be insensitive towards wording and how they deliver their “solution”. Plus, that kind of “i want to provide a solution to your problem” can be viewed as controlling and as if you’re thinking your gf is too dumb/incompetent to see the solution herself.
I think sitting down together and calculation what you’d need for immigrating was a great start; but after that you could’ve said smth like “we should also consider private spendings, like expensive luxury items and such – these sure add up, if you’d consider cutting back on that we’ll get there faster” – like don’t make it a “you spend too much, so we can’t do X”, but rather a “Consider spending less on Y, we could get to X faster”
Idk just my two cents. Think abt that and maybe sit down and explain yourself / apologize to her. If she still persists on calling you TA, she may have some narcissistic tendencies.
I know that the avocado/downpayment math doesn’t work out which is why it’s out of touch. And it’s implied in the OP that she’s bought enough high ticket items that she could have afforded her trip. So that is probably a major difference.
But the avocado thing is also insulting for how sneering and patronizing it is.
With what OP said, it’s hard to avoid undertones of,” Well, designer stuff provides no value at all to your life, and you only like those things because you’re a shallow and foolish girl, so you could have eliminated them completely.”
It’s also kind of rude to be like, “lol, you could have gone already” rather than, “great! Now that you’ve gotten serious and worked out a budget, you can start saving towards it!”
Previously, she might have gone through the same process for her LV bag. “I seriously want that bag – How much will it cost? – How much money do I have, how much do I need to save, how much am I comfortable with putting on my credit card?”
Maybe when there’s a particular item she wants, she goes about planning and getting it. Before the designer stuff was her priority; now the trip might become her priority.
Drop the subject and let your girlfriend keep her dream. Maybe one day she’ll be ready to do the work and planning such a dream truly requires, but for now, she’s just projecting!
You helped her calculate the costs of making this happen to give her something to shoot for – that is great!
Next, you could have suggested you two look at her income/savings and brainstorm strategies to help her meet that number within 3 years, within 5 years, etc. like cutting back discretionary spending to X per month, getting a second job, etc. That’s a solutions-oriented lens to inspire behavior change through hope and excitement.
Instead, it sounds like you calculated the second number without her permission to do so, and told her she can’t achieve her dream because of her irresponsible spending. That’s a problem-oriented lens you were hoping would inspire behavior change through shame and self-recrimination – this was unnecessary, and rarely works, for the record. And, it was overstepping if you did calculation without her buy-in.
My guess is: you strongly disapprove of her spending habits (fair, I would too in your position) and decided to weaponize her dream country against her to try to force her to make changes.
I always dreamed of living in the Mediterranean. As I was born in Greece, I could have just gone back and stayed with extended family. But let’s take that option off the table. Guess how I lived in the Med? I enlisted in the Navy.
Your girlfriend could join the military. Or work for the state department and get posted to this country of her choosing. She could just say fuck it and buy a ticket to that country and get a job waiting tables (I have a friend who did this, def recommend working out visa stuff in advance unlike she did). There are plenty of ways she could go to another country to live.
You presented her one way and said that it won’t happen unless she does it your way. So yeah, you’re TA. A condescending one, at that.
Lastly, and I’m surprised I haven’t seen it mentioned, there are lots of people who dream of doing one thing or another. They’ll never do it. They just don’t have the drive. It’s a fantasy. It’s what you fall back on when you’re bored at work or things aren’t going well. To sit down and systematically dismantle what could have just been an idle fantasy is asshole behavior.
Also, she didn’t ask you how she could change what she’s doing to enable her to go — she just wanted help figuring how much she had to save. Presuming she has some intelligence, she knows how she is spending, and can make the logical leap herself about how she has to change her budget in order to make it happen.
I’m not saying that you’re wrong about her being the reason she can’t move. But part of what is going on is she is dreaming about where she wants to live, and working out a budget to make it happen is part of it. She was not asking you to go through her expenses and tell her how she messed up.
I don’t think it’s wrong to address her financial situation, but I do think you did it completely wrong. What should have happened was something like she brought up moving again, so you say “Okay, let’s make a plan and make it happen.” Research together what she (or the both of you) will need to do, including figuring out finances. Help her make a plan to make it happen instead of telling her she’ll never have the 1 thing she wants.
Also PS: She’s only 23. She has her whole life to make it happen.
A better way to approach it would be to ask how serious she is about moving and when and how she wants to make it happen. Then you can take it from there.
What you’re saying is true – if your GF keeps spending expensively, they’re never going to achieve their dream.
But if she wants to ignore you and call you TA, that’s her problem. She’ll learn the hard way the true cost of her spending
She’s also still so young. A big move is still possible. So saying it’s never going to happen is a bit assholish.
Sounds like you were only humoring her and never actually took her seriously. In that case, YTA.
Even if that’s not the case, you could have been more sensitive in bringing up her spending habits
I understand being annoyed with someone who constantly blathers about some dream they aren’t working on, but you aren’t her parent.
Was she asking for advice on how to make her dream happen?
Does she actually want this dream to be a reality, or is it just a fun thing to entertain herself?