Annabella clings to the memory of her father’s rare visits, the brief moments when he becomes her hero, only to vanish again into the shadows of a busy life he leads elsewhere. The silent pain of his absence cuts deep, a quiet echo in the heart of a grandmother who holds her close, knowing that love alone cannot fill the void left by a father’s neglect.
I got pregnant with my son Julius (28) about a month after my 18th birthday. I tried to do my best for him and he got into a good engineering school but at 19, he got his then girlfriend Iza pregnant and they had Annabella together.
I’ve been the one who has mostly raised her (Iza got deported but they spend July together and FT every night). Julius got married to his girlfriend Katja after graduation and they have two wonderful boys together.
Annabella lives with me and not with them.
The thing is, Julius never spends any time with Annabella. He doesn’t even call to say goodnight. But she loves him so much. It’s like once a month, he’ll show up with a box full of toys, spend a day with her and then go back to his family.
It hurts her so much that he doesn’t spend time with her because he’s her hero. I’m just grandma. And no, he doesn’t act this way because of his wife. Katja would love to have Annabella move in with them, she once brought up the idea and she went on about all the things they could do together.
She would love to be her stepmom, calls her princess, sweetie and so many nice nicknames. The only reason they haven’t is because Julius has said she should stay with me.
A few days ago, Julius told me that he and Katja were planning a trip to Disneyland in August. I told him that Annabella would be so excited and he should tell her on her birthday and he just blankly told me she’s not coming and the trip is for his boys.
I made it clear to him that he needed to bring her on the trip and he just called me an asshole—which he’s never done before—for trying to control him. I admit that I was a bit controlling in my reaction but I don’t think I went that far.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is deeply distressed by her adult son Julius’s clear emotional neglect of his young daughter, Annabella, despite Annabella’s adoration for him. The central conflict lies in the OP’s protective actions and insistence that Annabella be included in Julius’s family life, which Julius perceives as an infringement upon his autonomy as a father and husband.
Given Julius’s consistent pattern of emotional withdrawal from Annabella while maintaining full parental access, is the grandmother justified in strongly challenging his unilateral decision to exclude Annabella from family events, or has the OP overstepped critical parental boundaries by trying to enforce inclusion?
Here’s how people reacted:
You don’t by any chance have the money to take your granddaughter to Disney World I suppose?
You’re not just Grandma, you’re Annabella’s main guardian. Your son abdicated his position as parent. Is therapy an option? Annabella has already been hurt by her “dad,” she subconsciously knows she’s least loved. I think the moment your son refused to take in Annabella he should have been cut out of her life, but I get that it’s easier said than done.
Therapy first if it is an option, Disneyland second if it’s an option. Stop seeing yourself as “just” Grandma, you’re that child’s GrandMamma Bear. Julius only sees her once a month so he no longer that girl’s daddy. If he took her in he would treat Annabella like a second class citizen with her stepmom trying to protect her. Do you have any grounds for fully custody and more importantly do you want full custody?Keep texts and e-mails as records if you do.
No, Annabella is his responsiblity. You are kind and loving and generous to care for her as you do, but that care is his responsibility. I’d tell him if he doesn’t step up and do more with Annabella, including Disneyland as a start, I’d be petitioning for child support.
This is heartbreaking. I don’t know what exactly happened when I became a father, but several switches flipped and I can’t read a post like this with a fully dry face. How dare anyone do this to their child?
I don’t mean the Disneyland thing specifically. His daughter. How does he abandon his daughter?
His duty is absolute, and he has absolutely failed in it.
(As others have said, can you take her yourself? He’s just going to treat her miserably there, holding her presence against her. It’ll be horrible for her).
Not because of your son (frankly, fuck him and his feelings).
He’s abandoned her and made it clear he’s not interested in a real relationship with her, it sucks that he excludes her.
Pushing him to take Annabella when he seems to actively dislike her puts her in harms way, how would she feel to be ignored and have his sons get preferential treatment for a whole holiday?
I get why you did it but I think you need to back off and focus on loving her and giving her support without him.
Don’t force it just because it may actually hurt her more. But your son is a disgrace, with all due respect. He should be kissing the soil you walk on and his wife’s. His wife is ready to take on a child that’s not hers as her own and this is how he behaves. Is he like this because Annabella is a girl and he has 2 boys?
But I want to know, do his sons even know they have an older sister? I mean from the way he acts its like he wishes she was never born. And wants to keep them completely separated. But his daughter loves him and Im sure she would love her brothers and step mom too. But he in all honesty wants nothing to do with her.
No excuse though to act this way, he needs to sort his priorities, all of his kids will end up disliking him at some point. You’re definitely NTA.
That said, I wouldn’t recommend forcing this trip. His resentment will definitely spill over onto her, and she won’t have that great of a time.
Your son’s behavior toward her overall is completely inexcusable.
Have you ever gotten to what’s at the root of it? I feel so bad for her. This is the definition of “dead-beat dad.”
Your son is the HUGE asshole here.
But I think you need to accept that your son doesn’t love his daughter and never wanted her. That he’s never going to take her to live with him and that you’re going to be the only parent that kid is going to have.
How about no. You’re NTA.
Your son on the other hand, definitely the asshole.
If you are not the legal guardian, you need to make that happen.
NTA.
You should speak to Katja to get her on your page (the right page) and get Annabella on this holiday stat!