On the day meant for celebration, the tension simmered beneath the surface, a silent storm waiting to break. The birthday cake, a symbol of joy and togetherness, stood chilled in the refrigerator, a fragile promise of happiness that seemed increasingly out of reach amidst the brewing conflict.
I’m a mother of 2 girls (lily 14, and Monica 21). Monica has a boyfriend (20) who visits with her often. To be frank he’s not too polite or to rephrase, he lacks social skills and always ends up doing things that can be annoying wether intentional or not.
It’s been affecting Lily and there had been instances where Monica’s boyfriend ruined Lily’s math project and ruined her camera by dropping it.
Because of his increasingly reckless behavior, I’ve set some basic rules and asked him to follow like not touching anything that belongs to Lily. Monica didn’t approve and said I was treating her boyfriend like a child and asked me to treat him like it’s his own home but I made it clear that he comes over as guest and should be behaving as such not running around the house causing damage like kids do.
Few days ago was Lily’s birthday. My sister picked up the cake from the bakery store that we pre-ordered and I kept it in the refrigerator til we get finished with preparations. We were upstairs while Monica’s boyfriend was in the living-room.
I went downstairs and into the kitchen to get the cake. I opened the refrigerator and saw that someone cut and took a piece of the birthday cake. I was infuriated I figured it was Monica’s boyfriend.
I went to ask him and he said it was him. I screamed at him and he said he was sorry but was hungrry. I told him that was my daughter’s birthday cake and I asked if there was literally nothing he could’ve eaten and he said yes there was but really just wanted a piece of that cake because he couldn’t wait til the party started.
I kept screaming at him that he ruined the entire party now Lilly won’t even want to blow the candles when the cake looked like that. He got defensive and said that it didn’t matter if he ate it before lily blew the candles and that all those “birthday party” rules are lame and people should just eat the “freaking”cake once it arrives.
Also said that it wasn’t like he ate the whole thing. I lost it and told him to get out of my house. He kept calling out for Monica to come downstairs and “deal” with me. Monica yelled at him and thought that was it.
Saying what he did didn’t warrant me kicking him out but I insisted he leave immediately. She begged me to let it go but I said not a chance. They both left after they argued with me and got my sister involved.
We had to delay the celebration for 2 hours so we could get another cake. unlike the previous one, this one wasn’t customized.
Monica has been angry with me for how I treated her boyfriend and kicking him out on Lily’s birthday and said that Lilly wouldn’t have minded but I was disrespecting her boyfriend and looking for excuses to keep him out the house.
Also said I caused them to miss the party. She wanted me to call him and apologize but I refused.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) reached a breaking point due to the consistent disrespect and property damage caused by their daughter’s boyfriend, culminating in him eating a piece of the birthday cake meant for the younger daughter before the celebration. The OP reacted strongly by immediately evicting him from the home, leading to conflict with both the boyfriend and the older daughter, Monica, who felt her boyfriend was disrespected and that the punishment was too severe for the offense.
Did the OP’s protective and escalating response, specifically kicking the boyfriend out on the birthday, constitute an overreaction to repeated boundary violations, or was it a necessary action to defend the family’s peace and the younger daughter’s special occasion against persistent poor behavior? Where does a parent’s right to enforce household rules end when it conflicts with an adult child’s relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
The fact that your daughter not only accepts this behavior, but defends it is troubling. Saying that you are disrespecting her bf, when he as no respect for anyone but himself is just dumbfounding. When you told him to leave and he refused and called your daughter to “deal” with you in your own home, would have sent me into orbit.
Do NOT apologize! Make his ban from your home permanent and have a calm conversation with your daughter about basic respect, decency and expectations in relationships.
Here are the cliff notes of my original post:
NTA a million times over
Please for the love of all that this sub holds dear do not apologize.
Show your daughter this thread and ask her if she’s embarrassed to be associated with this guy, because she should. And honestly, she really left with the guy that ate her kid sisters bday cake and then acted like he didn’t do anything wrong? She’s going to be embarrassed about that later without a doubt.
You did an amazing job kicking him to the curb. Really amazing. Be proud of yourself there, because kicking him out was the least of what he deserved.
There are plenty of other replies I agree with about his behavior deserving your response.
But also given that this is his behavior in your house in front of you I am somewhat concerned about how he’s treating your older daughter in private. I think you should certainly keep your boundaries to protect your younger daughter. But any way you can keep a good channel to talk to your older daughter would be worthwhile to maintain.
This situation is so awful I can’t even break it down. You would be totally in the right if you banned him from your home. Your daughter needs to respect your rules and home. She doesn’t have to like it. She can get her own place and deal with the jerk.
Oh my goodness, he sounds awful. He owes you the cost of the cake and they both owe you an apology.
What he did was horrible.
I’m also questioning motives for why a 20 year old man is hell bent on antagonising a 14 year old unrelated girl in her own house and so often – the sister of his girlfriend. To the extent it’s really noticeable and she is being affected by it.
That in itself raises red flags and would make me concerned and watchful.
Its ridiculous that he is demanding respect when he gives none.
Screwing with your daughter’s birthday cake is a special kind of low and nasty.
At this point I would seriously consider banning him from the house permanently.
How many times does he have to hurt your 14 year old daughter, in her own home where she and her belongings should be safe, before she starts to wonder why you aren’t protecting her?
Good for you kicking him out, NTA for that, but you will be if you keep letting him close to Lily.