What should be a joyful moment, preparing to be the ‘flower dude’ at his uncle’s wedding, instead unravels into a silent struggle for autonomy. Amidst whispered demands and veiled ultimatums, the boy’s mother stands firm, determined to protect his individuality against the overbearing influence of a soon-to-be family member.
My 15-year old son was asked in January to be the ‘flower dude’ in my brother’s wedding (which will be end of this month). Since then, my STBSIL has made frequent comments to my son along the lines of “so what are we going to do about this hair?” (He has thick, curly hair that he’s been growing out for a little while now; he’s got a goal photo we’ve been showing to his hairdresser).
A couple weeks ago I texted my brother to let him know that we will groom and style his hair, and use product to tame it – but I was not going to make him cut his hair. At that time, my brother said that was fine.
Then he told me his fiancé wants to take my son to her hairdresser for a trial run on his hair style (side note; won’t go into the entire history but I’ve had issues with her need to dictate and control, including one time she told my brother he couldn’t accompany my son to the ER for stitches unless she could go too).
I told him I’d make sure we did the trial run on my son’s hair. He then wrote that fiancé wanted final approval. I said I’d make sure he looked nice on their wedding day.
Then a few days ago my *stepfather* wrote my son, telling him he would not be getting fitted for his tux until his hair was cut. His exact words were “no decent haircut, no tuxedo fitting, you will not be in the wedding but seated in the general audience with your family, that is the result of no haircut.
Got it???” My mother is also firmly on the haircut side; she feels I should make my son cut off his hair because “it’s a very formal wedding”, and claimed we should have known that was the rule from the beginning.
I finally texted her back and stated had we been told that was a condition of being in the wedding, my son could have declined then – instead he was subjected to several months of passive-aggressive remarks until I finally addressed it.
So now it’s really blown up. At this point we aren’t even going, because to me, kicking family out of a wedding party for refusing to alter his appearance *when he has had this hair for years*, is ridiculous.
My family thinks I’m unreasonable for not forcing my son to cut his hair.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is positioned to defend their 15-year-old son’s right to maintain his preferred hairstyle against strong pressure from their brother, the brother’s fiancé, and the OP’s parents. The central conflict stems from the family’s imposition of a strict, last-minute appearance standard (cutting the son’s long hair) as a condition for participation in the wedding party, leading the OP to withdraw their son entirely.
Is the OP correct to prioritize their son’s autonomy and long-term comfort over meeting the strict, non-disclosed aesthetic demands of the wedding party, or should the OP have compelled their son to cut his hair to maintain family harmony and fulfill the ceremonial role?
Here’s how people reacted:
I don’t think it’s right of them to demand that he cut his hair, however, as the rest of the wedding party will be neatly pulled together they obviously want him to do the same and look appropriately.
Perhaps they can’t vision what his hair will look like when it’s “done”. After what women go through getting ready to be in a wedding, a male with complicated hair is kind of along the same line. The bride doesn’t want anyone looking out of place, which is understandable.
However….How “bad” is this kids hair that all these people are demanding that it be cut? Their concerns seem valid if multiple or seem to share the same sentiment.
Your son can always refuse the invitation, however if he wants to be in the wedding, just like the rest of the bridal party, you sacrifice and jump through hoops to make the bride and grooms day about what they want.
Have him schedule a trial run hair appointment and share the pictures with the bride and groom.
THEY are putting their feelings about a dumb haircut over family. Don’t let them convince you that the roles are reversed.
ETA: If any of them had a sense of humor, there’s a great solution here. Just fully embrace the “flower boy” role and give him a flower crown to wear over his thick, curly locks, preferably with ribbons trailing on the back of it.
NTA. You SIL to be need to stay in her own damn lane. Don’t like his hair? Fine. Don’t have him be in the wedding. But everyone taking this as an opportunity to pressure him to change something about his appearance because they don’t like it? The can all f all the way off. Major kudos to you for standing up for your son!! Stay strong!!!
Cutting hair without permission is legally assault in some (most?) places. I can find press clippings from the uk, Hong Kong, the USA on even the first page of google results.
I’ll state that again with an example, cutting off someone’s ponytail as a “prank” is actual assault with actual case history.
Apparently there’s exceptions for under 10 in the US, where a child does not have to give permission to a parent for grooming, but older than that, the child get the final call.
Seriously, why on earth people get the idea that it’s okay for them to dictate a semi-permanent change (in as much as once the hair’s cut, that’s it, you gotta wait months/years for it to regrow that length again) for the privilege of attending their wedding… sheesh.
Personally, I’d be horribly tempted to rock up as a family in casual suits and wild hair colours at this point. But that’s probably not diplomatic, and so not attending might be the wiser choice.
NTA.
Also, if someone talked to my son the way they talk to yours, they’d have much bigger problems than some kid’s hair.
Hold your ground. Don’t even go to the wedding. You are his father and supposed to fight like a wounded tiger for your son. Don’t you dare give an inch.
*No bride and groom get to mandate anything that can’t be immediately undone after the wedding.*
Edit: Alternate option would be to cut it and dye it some obnoxious color like electric blue. However, I’m sort of a petty asshole like that.
Sorry to say – your family (and family to be) are toxic control freaks. At this point, I’d opt out of the wedding entirely, but that might be too extreme for you. But giving in to this entitlement just feeds it more.
If he doesn’t mind the cut then yta
If he does NTA.