In the quiet storm of his shattered trust, the pain of betrayal cut deeper than he expected, awakening old wounds and casting shadows over the happiness he thought was real. His story is a raw testament to the fragility of love when entwined with hidden agendas and the resilience it takes to face the truth, no matter how devastating.
I (22M) have a girlfriend (22F) who I thought was the love of my life, but it turned out she was just using me to pacify her family.
For context, we met when we were 18, and I really liked her, as she had the same interests as me and was pretty hot. I quickly asked her out, and she surprisingly accepted, which honestly should’ve made me question her a little but I was blinded in love I suppose.
Her family weren’t on good terms with her for reasons I didn’t know (and when I asked, she simply brushed it off), but I was able to pacify her family and they really liked me too.
Until about 2 days ago, everything was going great and I was pretty damn happy with how life was in general. Then, she nervously asked if she could talk to me about something important.
I obviously obliged, and then asked her what’s the matter. She immediately began to open up about how he’s actually a trans man, and knew for an extremely long time. This wasn’t an issue with me though, and as I was attempting to comfort him, he told me he was only attracted to women.
I was confused by what he meant, so I asked him to clarify. Essentially, he only dated me because his parents were mad when he tried coming out as a trans man, and I guess I was the perfect person to show that he changed his ways and is “back to being a woman.” Behind my back, he was also cheating on me, and he had the audacity to show me a picture of himself and his girlfriend.
He looked truly happy too, and I was in too much shock to do shit. He then requested me to allow him to stay for a while until he gets enough cash to move out, which was when I snapped out of it.
I got up from my couch and started yelling at him, hard. I then started destroying essentially everything I could out of rage (don’t worry, everything I broke was only mine and wasn’t gifted to him in any way, I’m not as stupid as you think I am) and it eventually went into me sobbing on the floor about how I’ve been lied to and played for 4 years, and I hate to say it but I sounded like that “My heart, I loved her” guy.
After a while, I calmed down a bit and found out that he left a while ago. I was still extremely pissed off though, and as revenge, I texted his dad and explained the situation. I guess word spread around his family, because they became pissed off too, and shortly after I got a call from him, sobbing about how his life is ruined now.
I coldly replied that he should’ve thought about that before doing this shit to me, before hanging up. I thought that would feeI good, but it really didn’t. I feel so shitty since I dragged him out of the closet to his unaccepting family, and then proceeding to disrespect him like that.
I’m aware I’m probably the asshole but I just wanted some perspectives on this and on what the hell I should do now, because I truly feel sorry for putting him through all this and I want to make things right.
Additionally, I also have no idea on how to move on from this and the breakup, so any advice in that area would be nice.
Conclusion
The original poster is grappling with intense feelings of betrayal and anger after discovering his four-year relationship was based on a significant deception, where his partner was using him to appease family expectations regarding his gender identity. While his explosive reaction, including property damage and retaliatory contact with the partner’s father, stemmed from deep emotional pain, he now recognizes the severity and negative impact of his actions, leading to feelings of guilt and regret.
Given the OP’s immediate regret over exposing his partner to his unaccepting family and the subsequent fallout, the central question becomes: Does the profound betrayal suffered justify the retaliatory actions taken, or does the OP’s established history of anger issues absolve him of full responsibility for the resulting harm to his ex-partner’s situation? What steps can he take now to ethically address his guilt while beginning the process of personal recovery and moving forward?
Here’s how people reacted:
The situation your ex was in was well something that most people shouldn’t have to go through, a person shouldn’t have to suppress their gender identity from their family. It isn’t his fault for being who he is and who he is attracted to. But, that doesn’t excuse his actions. He in a sense took advantage of you emotionally, for 4 years he had you in a relationship that was built on lies without any care toward your feelings. Then, he had the audacity to cheat behind your back while keeping you in the dark pretending your relationship is real. To repeat, 4 years, so much time, money, and energy you’ll never get back after being used by him. If I were in your ex’s position, I can fully say I could never see myself hurting/ taking advantage of another person for so long.
But, I don’t truly know if I can condone your actions. Honestly, you we’re hurting and in shock and I completely understand that. I don’t even know if what I would have done if your position, a part of me feels like I might have even done the same thing as you. You we’re in pain, seeing them taking advantage of you, him being happy while he strung you along like a fool, all that time wasted, you probably wanted him to experience pain for the things he had done to you.
It was a heat of the moment decision like you stated, now you feel remorse which is good. Honestly, all I can suggest is going no contact but also sending a apology text and blocking. For moving on, I’d suggest just wiring down your thoughts, take the needed time to fully process everything, after focus on healing any emotional wounds. This probably will sound rough, but also one day you should forgive yourself. What you did was harsh and cruel, but it was also human. So yeah, good luck.
But you took your anger too far. Destroying your stuff was already kind of a far stretch. But ratting him out to his family was also an Ahole move. Your feelings are valid for sure, but you reacted to those feelings extremely poorly.
You should just leave and never talk to each other again. And then take some time to reflect on yourself and how you handled the situation. Because that kind of anger will lead you to a disastrous situation in the future if you can’t control it. You were in the right to be mad, but that’s not how you handle angry feelings. Learn from this and work on how to control your anger.
Asshole move for calling his parents? Yeah
Asshole move for lying to someone for 4 years and cheating on them? YEAH. He wasted 4 years of your life KNOWING it would not lead anywhere.
Do I think this happened? Doubt it. Why? So you respect him enough to use proper pronouns (after what he did to you, respect is not something he deserves) but at the same time you called his father to tell on him….doubt it
You can do what you want with your stuff – its your stuff after all.
‘Outing’ your ex to his family is where you could be an AH.
I don’t usually have a problem with people exposing cheaters, but ‘outing’ someone isn’t good.
On the other hand, your ex doesn’t deserve your silence after a four-year long betrayal.
It would have been better if you had maintained a dignified silence or only told his family that he cheated on you and that’s why the relationship ended. And left it up to your ex to deal with the fall out.
How you reacted however is over the line IMO, the destruction and the messages to their family was uncalled for
Please seek therapy if possible as it sound like it could help you
I hope you heal quickly friend! I’m sorry 😔
Sweet Baby Jesus.
Yeah, fuck that guy. Selfish prick, NTA.
Don’t hold on to that anger though, try to move on, its gonna be tough but silver lining is you atleast found out in the end.
NTA. But you breaking your own shit? If you know you have anger issues, set up something at home like a punching bag or cheap dollar-store plates to break, not all your own shit.
YTA for outing them to their dad. That can get dangerous really fast. I feel for you, because that’s an emotional shitstorm you went through, but that wasn’t your story to tell to their dad.
I hope things get better for you both, separately.
You absolute unutterable piece of shit.
YOU COULD HAVE GOT HIM KILLED.
YTA x 1,000,000,000
I bet you’re the kind of person who’d snitch on a brown girlfriend to ICE
Your ex is a POS and after this, she / he whatever capable of anything. You going to be the monster on he’s story.
Having a beard is *only* ethical if they knowingly consent to that arrangement.
reading the post: oh. oh dear
YTA