Memories of canceled plans and broken commitments haunted the young graduate, each one a quiet testament to the yearning for a father’s undivided attention. The concert ticket, once a symbol of shared passion and hope, became a poignant reminder of sacrifice and neglect—a story of a son who longed for connection but was repeatedly left waiting in the wings.
My graduation ceremony is being held next week. My dad had given me some money in advance to pay for the party. I live mostly with my mom but they were supposed to be hosting the event together.
Dad and I have a rocky relationship. After my parents divorced when I was 4 they split custody of me and he was able to stay a good dad. When I was 10 he met Jane. Jane had three kids, twins and a single kid.
They got married when I was 12 but I would say even before that I felt like he prioritized her kids over me a lot. He would cancel plans with me if they wanted to do something and would either do the thing with them or force me to go and say it was even better than our plans, when for me it wasn’t.
Think going for a hike with me vs taking them to an indoor play area. Or seeing a movie with me vs the kiddie park. One more example is when I was given a ticket for a concert my dad and I both love.
He was supposed to buy a ticket to come with me for some father/son time, but actually spent it on his youngest stepkid who wanted their room painted. He told me at the last minute and it hurt.
There are other times stuff like this happened. He didn’t show up at the hospital when I broke my arm because one stepkid was getting their tonsils out and wanted both him and his wife there.
He told my mom over the phone to tell me he was proud of me for being brave and understanding, even though I never said that shit.
When I would bring this stuff up to him he’d tell me it was natural to feel jealous of sharing his attention. That was all he would say.
In 2019 he told my mom he would split the cost of a trip I wanted to go on with one of my clubs, because she didn’t have the money all by herself. Mom had her half saved. We told my dad he needed to pay.
He said bills were tight and it was the twins birthdays and the money needed to go on something for them. He told me we could do something as a family when the trip happened instead.
I told him to forget it. That he was making it clear who was more important and I was going to stay with my mom where I actually mattered. Mom borrowed money to cover the other half of the trip.
Dad told me he regretted making me feel less important and we were working on things and then the graduation money was given about a month ago. Then a week ago he called and told me how one of the stepkids was being bullied, how bad of a time they’re having it, and with that money they could help cheer them up for their birthday.
I was pissed. I hung up. Then two days later I showed up at his doorstep, gave him the money and told him I didn’t want to see him or his new family at my graduation, and that he had chosen who was more important so he better stay out of my life.
His stepkids and two younger bio kids were there. I didn’t stick around. He called and told me we needed to talk it out like adults, and that I had hurt the kids feelings. His wife freaked out on me so I blocked her.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced a long history of feeling secondary to their stepsiblings, leading to significant resentment regarding parental attention and financial priorities. The conflict centers on the OP reclaiming the graduation party money provided by the father and subsequently excluding him and his family from the ceremony, which they perceived as a final, necessary act of self-preservation after repeated emotional neglect.
Given the father’s consistent pattern of prioritizing his new family and the OP’s decisive action to cut ties and reclaim the funds, the core question remains: Was the OP justified in ending the relationship and excluding their father from graduation as a consequence of his long-term choices, or did this final act cause unnecessary harm to the relationship and other family members?
Here’s how people reacted:
*Because of that, I no longer want to have a relationship with you. Moving forward, I will simply tell people that my father is no longer a part of my life. I was tempted to tell people why we no longer have a relationship, because I think people should see you for who you really are. But I have come to the conclusion that I need to let go of the pain and resentment entirely and move forward in my life without the burden of your pain on my conscious. So I am letting you go.*
*Thank you for helping to bring me into this world. That was the first and only thing you ever did for me that truly mattered. But this is the end of our journey together. I can’t count on you. You are never going to make me a priority in your life. And I can’t continue to be let down by you.*
*You have a family now that I am not a part of. It’s time we both accepted that is just the way things are and how they will always be. I do apologize for confronting you in front of your children. That was not my intention. You’ve been good to them and I know if the roles were reversed, I would be upset having heard what I said. But they know that you love them and in the end, this too shall pass. I wish we could have had what you have with them, but we don’t always get what we want out of life. So be good to them and be the kind of father they deserve…not the kind of father you were with me.*
*After sending this message, I will be blocking you on everything and asking mom to cease all contact with you. You will not be getting an updates nor will you be hearing from me anymore. Please do not attempt to contact me ever again.*
NTA
Your feelings are valid. I get having to be “mature” because your step siblings are younger doesn’t mean you have to deal with your dad being wishy washy and always catering to his wife’s children.
He doesn’t understand your feelings or perspective. Asking for money back to me is ridiculous, I’m not sure how his finances are but it doesn’t seem like he’s doing great to always sideline things with you for his kids.
Now obviously this is your perspective. Are you just naming off the bad times, and bad times only? Or are there any good in between where you dad does stuff for you, and y’all go out?
I think regardless this is how you feel, jealously or not it’s frustrating having anyone go back on their word. You’ve set a boundary, wether he likes it or not.. he’s disrespected both you and your mom. Your mom shouldn’t have to borrow money to pay for his half of something that he pledged to do. All for his “new family”
Could you maybe have asked him to speak without others around? yes for sure…but they are manipulating and his time with you and he is allowing that. Maybe write down your thoughts and email him so he sees this is a longer term situation and you would prefer time away to determine how you want to engage with him as an adult.
And congratulations on graduation!!!
You dont need such a shit father in your life tbh. He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it. You are a strong person, and with this weight off your back you’ll soar even higher.
Best of luck OP, and have a fun graduation. It sure will be better without your shame of a father in it. He’s only going to talk about his step kids there anyways.
What your dad has done is wrong, so wrong. I’m sorry that you were put through this for years.
Though you’re dad is obviously aware of his blatant favoritism and apologized, he isn’t going to change. But I’m also wondering how much of this is being pushed by step mother. But then again, some parents just push the old family away and focus on the new…like your dad. Its awful and wrong. Let your dad stew in his poison.
You sound like a strong young adult and have found your boundaries. Good for you. Live life, move on and be happy. And give your Mom a hug.
ETA – You are NTA
Your dad consistently and constantly chose everyone else above you. This is not ok. Making and breaking promises is disgusting. Saying one thing and then backing out is gross. And asking for the money back???? No. Just freaking no.
He is not a father. He is a spineless sperm donor who deserves nothing from you. You needed a father and he was absolutely not it. And I’m sorry.
Sorry you’re going through all this. Your mom sounds like a solid parent, at least.