Yet, as the daughter’s first romance blossomed, the mother’s advice began to shift in unexpected ways, revealing a tender vulnerability beneath her usual strength. The father watched with a mix of surprise and unease as the lessons of feminism gave way to old-fashioned notions, sparking a silent struggle between ideals and the enduring hope to protect their child’s heart.
Wife and I have been married 18 years, we have our 16 year old daughter who has been dating a slightly shy/ awkward young man for around 3-4 months now.
He seems very nervous around my daughter and has admitted in a passing comment here and there to my wife and I that he can’t believe she agreed to date him and he thinks she’s way out of his league.
He seems very respectful, just shy.
My wife is usually an independent, awesome woman and her ideals align closely with mine particularly in term of feminism and equality. We have both striven to raise our daughter to be as independent and capable as possible.
Since my daughter has been dating this kid my wife has changed considerably and has given our daughter advice that has left me with raised brows more than once.
Some of the advice I’ve heard my wife give is ‘oh it’s cute for boys to pay for everything, especially in your first relationship!’ Or ‘oh honey don’t worry about that, he can pay for you, if he really liked you he would’ and similar.
I’ve tried to balance this out by telling my daughter straight away ‘two people in a partnership should be contributing equally’ and my personal favorite ‘if someone asks if they can take you out to dinner, it’s reasonable to expect them to pay, but if someone asks you to grab dinner with them, it’s reasonable to split the payment’.
I figured that would be an easy way for a young person to understand the difference.
However I’ve noticed my daughter becoming more and more entitled with her boyfriends money. They haven’t been anywhere obviously since we’re home but the way she talks about him ‘oh I’ll just ask him to pay for x’ etc leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
She has also flippantly bragged/ mentioned that she gets him to buy gift cards for her etc by mentioning her mother’s advice, i.e. ‘if you really liked me you’d pay for x’
I spoke to my wife privately and told her my concerns, she insists it’s a rite of passage for girls and it’s cute that she should feel a guy is completely spoiling her. I told her that it’s not cute for her to be thinking it’s acceptable to view relationships as personal ATMS, and my wife became very angry with me and is now calling me an asshole with a lot of hostility.
Conclusion
The original poster is facing a significant conflict stemming from a difference in parenting philosophy regarding financial expectations in their daughter’s new relationship. While the OP champions equality and independent contribution, the wife is actively encouraging the daughter to accept financial benefits from her boyfriend, justifying it as a traditional or “cute” dating phase.
Given that the OP and wife have established beliefs in equality, the central question is whether encouraging a young woman to accept financial exploitation under the guise of romantic tradition undermines the principles of independence they aimed to instill, and how this internal disagreement should be managed without damaging the parental relationship or the daughter’s developing values?
Here’s how people reacted:
INFO: do you spoil/treat your wife often? How stringently do you make sure things are divided/equal?
This sounds like your wife may be projecting a problem she is having with you that she feel she can’t voice because she’s meant to be independent, so is instead expressing it through telling your daughter to be spoiled instead.
Basically what she’s telling your daughter sounds like a symptom of another problem.
NTA
Your wife is TA
Your daughter is becoming TA
The boy also needs some guidance, but that probably shouldn’t come from you
Edit: Read the responses to my comment. There are some good arguments that maybe you should consider talking to the boy yourself. I may have been wrong on that part, but you’ll have to decide for yourself.
Look, Just because she says it doesn’t mean she practices it. Sorry but your wife is making feminism look bad.
INFO: Are you sure you’re not her ATM too?
NTA by the way.
Your wife is training you daughter to live outside her means and to rely on others for what she wants. This is a dangerous slope until the “If you love me, you will pay” is directed at you and your wife. It’s literally setting her up to think money = love.
Edit: it’s amusing that this sub downvotes when I state cultural differences, which is a fact. Some people are so closed minded.
you get the idea.