This initial incident established a precedent where OP refused future visits under those restrictive terms. Years later, after the death of OP’s father and her mother beginning a new relationship, the dynamic has reversed. When the mother requested a visit with her new boyfriend, OP set the same boundary she had been forced to accept previously: no sharing a room or bed in OP’s home. The mother reacted with anger, accusing OP of pettiness, leaving OP unsure if her boundary enforcement is fair given the history.
When I (27f) was in college I met my boyfriend and we moved in together, sharing a place with some friends, after dating for a year. I was 19 when we met and 20 when we moved in together.
We decided from that point onward to take turns spending Christmas with our families. But the first year we were supposed to see mine, my mom made it clear my boyfriend could not stay and and we weren’t sharing a room or a bed in her house.
My dad argued in favor of letting it happen since I was an adult and living with him already but mom said no. She hated that I wouldn’t stay at their house then and instead booked an Airbnb.
She said I should respect the rules of her house and I told her I was, but I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend to be alone on the holidays and especially when his family had welcomed us together happily.
After that I made it clear there would be no coming to visit like that if I couldn’t sleep with my boyfriend. My mom said it wasn’t like we were married so she had every right to that rule.
Two years ago my dad died and for 11 months my mom has been in a relationship with her boyfriend. They don’t live together exactly but according to my brother he was there most nights while he was still there.
My mom and brother aren’t really talking right now. My brother could hear mom and her boyfriend in bed and he hated it so he moved out. He’s also 22 and had wanted to but it gave him the push to move.
My mom was furious and demanded to know why he was leaving out of nowhere and she freaked when my brother told her he was tired of hearing them. It started mom off on him not being happy for her that she found someone again after dad died.
My mom seems to be missing my brother being around and she told me she misses having her kids around her so she wanted to visit for a week or two soon. She wanted to bring her boyfriend along and I told her she can’t share a room or a bed with him in my home.
I told her I do not want to hear that. She got mad at me and said she’s a grown woman and should be allowed her freedom. I told her she was alright denying it to me and I wasn’t even planning to have sex in her house.
But it sounded like she doesn’t care if we hear or not and I’m not dealing with it. I also told her I wasn’t going to reward her with sharing with her boyfriend when she has been so strict with me about it.
My mom accused me of acting like a petty child.
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a difficult emotional position, balancing her desire for a relationship with her mother against the need to maintain consistency in the boundaries she previously fought to establish for herself. The core conflict stems from the mother’s past rigid enforcement of her own household rules, which the OP is now mirroring in her own home, leading to accusations of being childish.
The central question remains whether the OP is justified in applying the exact same terms to her mother’s visit that her mother once applied to her adult relationship, or if this response crosses the line into unproductive retaliation. Readers must consider if establishing clear, reciprocal boundaries in adult family relationships outweighs the potential cost of alienating the mother.
Here’s how people reacted:
Onto the present, if the only reason you wouldn’t allow your mom and her bf to share a room is out of pure pettiness, I’d say you’re kinda an a**. If mom genuinely didn’t allow it cause it’s what she believed in, then can you really fault her for that? She wasn’t just out to target you specifically. On your end, you seem like you don’t care at all if people sleep together before marriage hence you wouldn’t have any moral objections to them sharing a room.
I do however think not wanting to hear them through the walls is a super fair point lol and could stand on this basis alone, especially after what your brother said. However, be prepared for the possibility that they might just “sneak” into one room and sleep together at night anyways. This is your mom, not your child. You really couldn’t enforce/punish this unless you literally kicked them out. So choose your hill to die on.
Advice: it’s always best to deliver a decision plainly without much emotion or insults. “I’d love to have you come and stay Mom, but I’m not comfortable with Joe staying in my home yet. Let me give you some recommendations of places you two could stay together while in town.”
If she objects, just keep saying you’re uncomfortable and don’t know him well enough to share personal space. You don’t have to bring up her loud sex habits even though it”s totally gross!
Your house? Your rules. She can throw a tantrum like the toddler she’s accusing you of being, or she can recognise that SHE is the problem in her relationships with her children. That second one is unlikely, but weirder things have happened.
NTA, your house, your rules
Are you an Asshole? Maybe a tiny bit.
SO WHAT!?!
This is epic. 🤣
Life can’t be all sugar, a little bit of salt and sour also is needed for a well balance life!
She’s being hypocritical expecting different treatment. She was disrespectful and controlling to you and your BF.
She should get a hotel room
NTA. Your Mom seems selfish and hypocritical.
Tell her to book a BnB just like you had to.
Fair is fair, and your house, your rules….just like she said.
What goes around comes around.
Your mom:
“One rule for thee and another for me.”
You have every right to set the rules of your house.
Its not like they are married so you have every right to make that rule.
Goddess level unlocked.
NTA
Your mommy is a fucking hypocrite!