In a world where separation often means distance, they defied convention and expectation to create a shared space where their daughter could grow surrounded by both parents. Their story is one of sacrifice and hope, a testament to the power of putting a child’s happiness above all else, even when love between adults has faded.
Six years ago, I got divorced from my now ex-husband. There was no drama that led to this; we simply realized we were no longer happy or in love, so it would have been a clean break if not for the fact we had a daughter who is now 11.
Neither of us wanted to lose full custody of her or miss important moments in her life. She is the most important person in both our lives, and we debated on trying to make it work just for her but realized that would only lead to all three of us becoming miserable.
So we entered an arrangement that many would view as unconventional.
When we sold our house, we used the money to buy two semi-detached houses that were joined, and had a door installed between them. The construction company tried to warn us against this as it would affect resale value, but neither of us had any intention to sell, so we had them go ahead with it.
We also had them take down the fence between both our back gardens so our daughter would have an extra-large back garden to play in.
Many of you may balk at the door, but there is an agreement: it is strictly for our daughter’s use, and neither of us can use it barring any emergencies, say a fire, a medical emergency, or something being wrong with our daughter.
She has two bedrooms, one in each house, and every day she can pick where she wants to have breakfast, dinner, and sleep. I won’t lie; it was awkward at first, but for her sake, we made it work and even regained a lot of the friendship we had lost, though it was of course strictly platonic now.
Last year, my ex-husband married his girlfriend of three years, a lovely woman who I’m actually friends with, and I was even a guest at their wedding with my daughter being one of her bridesmaids.
All in all, it’s an arrangement everyone is content with, except for my boyfriend who I started to date two years ago.
He understood the arrangement entering into the relationship, and while he said it was a bit ‘weird,’ he never protested, and all seemed well. Things are getting more serious, and we’ve been discussing moving in together, and he has made it clear he wants me to move as he doesn’t want to live next door to my ex-husband.
I understood that but told him that wouldn’t be happening as my daughter had to come first, and our arrangement gave her a stable upbringing.
He got upset with me and asked how he was supposed to be a father to my daughter when she already had a dad and he was literally a wall away. I won’t lie; this took me by surprise as I had no idea he wanted to be a ‘father’ to her.
I told him gently but firmly that he wasn’t her father, that she already had one, and that even her father’s wife didn’t try to be a Mother; instead, she is called by her name. I told him if he wants some kind of familial title, he could be an uncle, but I wouldn’t give him permission to take her father’s title when he is very much involved in her life.
He told me if I loved him, I’d move for him, and despite me trying to tell him I *do* love him, he isn’t listening. AITA in this?
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) established a highly unconventional but functional co-parenting structure with their ex-husband, prioritizing their daughter’s stability by living in adjoining houses. The central conflict arises when the OP’s current boyfriend demands they move to end the proximity to the ex-husband, putting the established, positive routine for the daughter in direct opposition to the boyfriend’s expectation of a traditional relationship structure.
Is the OP justified in refusing to move, thereby prioritizing the daughter’s established stability over their boyfriend’s desire for a different living arrangement, or should the OP sacrifice this unique setup to accommodate a new, serious romantic partnership?
Here’s how people reacted:
I don’t think either of you are the AH because you both had different ideas about how the relationship would ultimately be and both failed to fully let the other know. Or maybe his just changed with time, idk. But you’ve reached the furthest your relationship will go because you both want different things. It happens. I wish you both the best in your next relationships.
While I personally could never do this and had many conversations with people because I find the astounding, I think that you both have put your daughter first at every turn.
You are NTA and I think you really need to sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend and explain your feelings and why you can’t move. If he doesn’t understand that then it doesn’t sound like you 2 are compatible anymore.
And I also speculate resalebility may be positively affected because it’s so unique. This is a great idea for multi generational families that live together.
Also, it’s great to have a partner who loves your kid, but I find his comments to be weird. And he knew the score, but now wants you to change this setup, and that’s a no go imo.
For the rest, I get why he wants to move. This is just too weird for me and would never have started a relationship with a man who shared a house with his ex and who made the stupid decision to put a door which would make impossible to sell the God damn house once the kid would have moved out and have her own life.
If your boyfriend cant accept this part of your life, then maybe he isn’t the right one for you.
He is clearly the only one with a problem, and the part about being her father is kind of weird to me??
I was going to go with N A H until he began pestering you about “if you loved him”. Sounds very immature and controlling.
NTA